Chuckle. . .

"I would only take over England if I could sabotage their team."

- Alex Ferguson politely turns down the chance to succeed Glenn Hoddle as England boss.

"Spurs fans? Try to think of it less as a Cup final missed, more a Chas and Dave comeback averted."

- `Shaft', a columnist in The Sun, encourages Spurs fans to look on the bright side after their FA Cup semi-final defeat by Newcastle.

"I've always fancied him as the final piece of the jigsaw at Dean Court."

- Bournemouth manager Mel Machin on hearing that Zinedine Zidane may move to a club by the sea next season.

"I have lost my temper before and I will do it again. I suppose in the old days, I tended to hit first and then think later. Now I think before I hit."

- Roy Keane (left) describes how much he has mellowed in recent years. Ish.

"I mentioned retiring to the wife and she said: `Don't even think about it'."

- Dave Bassett on his wife's eagerness for him to return to management, and get out from under her feet, as soon as possible.

"All these Viallis, Vieiras and Viagras - I don't know who they all are these days. I like names like Cullis and Wright."

- Wolves owner Sir Jack Hayward on foreigners with funny names.