Balotelli just can't win: Mario knows press will damn him if he does and if he doesn't

ALL IN THE GAME:"If I buy a Fiat Uno, I read that a guy like me is better suited to a Ferrari, but if I choose a Ferrari, they write that I should keep my feet on the ground and buy a Fiat Uno. If I laugh then I am unprofessional, if I do not laugh then I'm the miserable rich guy who cannot enjoy even the best job in the world."

– You know, Mario Balotelli has a point.

“I am 21 years old and have spent almost two years away from home. I have adapted quite well, despite the huge cultural differences. But I have no real friends here.”

– Balotelli again. Is that a ‘come-and-get-me-Italy’ plea?

“I wonder if he is a player, coach, agent or oil dealer. I do not understand. This is proof that in football knowing how to lobby pays.”

– Diego Maradona sends kisses to his old Brazilian buddy Leonardo, now sporting director at oil-rich Paris Saint-Germain.

“It was nice to hear Ray Wilkins speaking so articulate.”

– TalkSPORT pundit extraordinaire Micky Quinn.

“He is now ineligible to play in our league because he has registered with Manchester United again.”

– A spokesman for Oldham’s five-a-side league confirming that Chaddy Park Legends have lost the services of Paul Scholes – who scored 12 goals for them on his last appearance.

Marks out of 10: player settles score with reporter

RATINGS WAR:IT'S a risky game, this "player ratings" business, just ask football reporter Rocco De Rosa. After watching a Serie D match in Italy he had the task of awarding marks out of 10 for his local paper Quotidiano Della Basilicata, and reckoned Angelo Cristofaro forward Antonello Scavone was only worth 4.5.

Antonello, alas, didn’t take his rating too well, and wasn’t prepared to let it go. So, first he tracked down Rocco on Facebook and, well, shared his feelings, then when they came face to face he put him in hospital with a punch.

“He said I write shit. It was weird,” said Rocco, as quoted in the Observer, while a remorseful Antonello issued an apology. “I am disappointed and ashamed. Unfortunately you can not go back and correct the huge mistake done and therefore I can only apologise to Rocco and his family. I know I have let everyone down, especially my team-mates, the president and the staff.” The club has suspended Antonello, but when he returns to action it’ll be interesting to see how Rocco rates him.

Our money’s on 11 out of 10.

Hristo-cat: Stoichkov’s home

HE'S BACK:HRISTO Stoichkov has had a lively old managerial career since finishing playing back in 2003, starting out as manager of Bulgaria, then having a very brief spell in charge of Celta Vigo in Spain before taking over at Mamelodi Sundowns in South Africa.

He’s back home again after being appointed manager of Litex Lovech, the club’s owner, Grisha Ganchev, so thrilled to have the legend in charge he’s told him he can stay forever. That’s quite a vote of confidence, which presumably means he’ll be sacked by the summer.

Does Stoichkov feel any pressure, after a less than successful managerial career so far? “I have nothing to prove to anyone,” he said. “Maybe only to God.”

Welcome back, Hristo.

Toilet break: Mario Balotelli spends a penny at school

CAUGHT SHORT:THE students at Xaverian College in Manchester had to do a double-take last week when a white Bentley pulled in to the car park and the owner dropped in to ask could he use the toilet.

“After that he was just walking round campus like he owned the place and everyone was following him around. It was amazing to see him but it was a bit ridiculous for him to come here – you would never expect it to happen,” one student told the Manchester Evening News.

“He just seemed proper chilled,” said another. “It was really weird to see him at our college but pretty amazing.” How could you not love Mario Balotelli?

Off Garth: In definite doubt

CROOKS IN TWO MINDS:"I've just watched the replay and there is absolutely no doubt – it's inconclusive."

– Garth Crooks on the BBC, as heard conclusively by aPrivate Eye reader.

“Why is Alessio Cerci not playing? With all due respect, we’re not exactly talking about Leo Messi here.”

– Fiorentina manager Delio Rossi delicately defending his decision to drop the winger.

“I take full responsibility for where we are: in the Premier League.”

– Neil Warnock’s fond farewell to QPR’s owners after they sacked him.

“Mauro Zarate is our player and I rate him very highly, even if now and again his brain stops and he needs a shock.”

– And this was a tribute from Inter Milan boss Claudio Ranieri.

“I don’t like discussing other team’s players. But he’s very good. We’ve been watching a lot of games . . . .

It wouldn’t be fair of me to say much more than that. But he is a top player.”

– Ally McCoist, well, discusses Real Valladolid player Javi Guerra.

Results-oriented: Bates shows how to instil respect

FRIENDLY FELLOW:KEN Bates has lost none of his charm – he's still his same old cuddly self, making new friends every day at Leeds United, where he's chairman.

How does he feel about some of the club’s supporters calling for him to go? “The people with intellect respect what we are doing to the club but the mob, which is a very small number, want results,” he told the Yorkshire Post.

“I can understand that. I remember my son saying to me 20 years ago: ‘Daddy, you must remember most people lead boring, meaningless lives, then they retire and then they die. The only thing around them is their football clubs.’ Pub and club, pub and club.”

That should smooth things over with the Elland Road faithful.

Holland’s turn : Barton gives Matt the full Irish on Twitter

OFFENCE TAKEN:SO, who was Joey Barton's picking on last week on Twitter? Matt Holland.

Our Matt Holland. Barton seemed a touch offended by Holland, now a pundit, criticising him for something or other, so off he went: “Haha Matt Holland best not of been using my name in vain on a s****y radio talkshow. Remember playing against him, well when I say playing..” “S**t players talking s**t” the bain of my life. Go and live life away from football, stop being so bitter, twisted and sad. Its boring.” “_at_mattholland8 heard a few rumours uve been using my name in vain? Hope its not true.......”.

“If ur English, u play for England. If ur English and s**t, u pretend ur Irish grand parentage matters to u and play for Ireland!” “I’d rather have my 1 England cap and be forever yearning more than take somebody from that countries chance away because my nans from their.” “Play for the country ur from, if ur not good enough like me, work harder.” “I couldn’t play for Ireland as am not Irish, not rocket science. Forget my grandparents, I’M NOT Irish.” “Can I just say u could substitute the word “irish” in my nationality statements with any of the home countries. Nothing against the irish...”.

Last we checked, Holland hadn’t replied. Probably wise.