PLANET FOOTBALL: Mary Hannigan's sideways look at the world of soccer
LAST WEEK we were telling you about the rather marvellous “Ask Andrey” section of Andrey Arshavin’s official website (arshavin.eu), the Arsenal man largely yawning his way through his replies to fans’ questions.
Well, in his latest batch of answers Andrey is a lot perkier, happily taking on the role of Agony Uncle.
“Hi, I am 25 years old and I’m still not married,” said Rina. “My parents are very upset about this. They say I can end up a spinster. But I don’t want to get married yet. What shall I do?”
“I think I can help you,” said Arsenal’s own Dr Phil. “Step 1: You need to find a scruffy heavy drinker. Step 2: Once you’ve found him, try to persuade him to ‘marry’ you. I think that for a small amount of money, he will agree to fulfil the role of your fiance. Finally: Bring this guy home. Tell your parents he’ll live with you. I think next time they will think better before forcing their opinion on you.”
For that response alone Andrey should be crowned World Footballer of the Year, although he is a little less confident when asked for advice on the use of cosmetics.
“Do you approve when a girl starts using make-up very early in her life,” asked Liza.
“This is a purely personal matter for each girl,” said Andrey, “although I think it is better to consult a professional regarding this question.”
He also found the time to offer words of comfort to fans going through difficult periods (“Despondency is a sin”) and to dispute whether rain is, in fact, the result of crying angels. (“No, I do not think that it’s angels’ tears. It’s simply a natural phenomenon. Although it sounds more romantic the way you put it.”
And how does he see himself in 50 years?
“A 78-year old man with aching legs and a glamorous walking stick.” God-like.
Ifill proves a big hit in Wellington
WELLINGTON’S DEFEAT to Sydney was a disappointing end to what has been an eventful season for Paul Ifill, the club’s leading goalscorer. Life in New Zealand didn’t start too swimmingly for Ifill, who joined from Crystal Palace last summer, the 30-year-old the victim of a “mad granny assault” on his first day in the city. While waiting to meet one of his new team-mates outside Molly Malone’s bar – where else, says you? – he was punched in the side of the face.
After setting off in hot pursuit he discovered his assailant was a woman “about 50”.
“I’m like ‘What are you doing?’ and she went ‘I know people like you. I saw you looking me up and down, I know what you’re thinking. I could see it in your eyes’,” he told the NZ Herald. “When I went to walk off she started kicking and punching me. I grabbed her and she went to bite my hand so I knew I couldn’t win with this woman. I started jogging off and she ran after me so I had to pick up the pace. Unbelievable.”
The woman, alas, remains at large, through Wellington streets broad and narrow.
Pheonix handed rough justice
THE PRIZE for the winners of Saturday’s match between Sydney FC and Wellington Phoenix was a place in next weekend’s A-League grand final against the modestly-named Melbourne Victory.
With the game level at 1-1 Sydney took the lead through Chris Payne, but – and it’s a déjà vu kind of but – he scored with his arm.
Sydney went on to win 4-2, but Wellington coach Ricki Herbert was a touch on the apoplectic side after the game, the injustice of Payne’s goal leaving him a less than happy bunny. “It’s no different to how the Irish felt,” he said, going on to berate the standard of officiating, the lack of video replays, the willingness of players to cheat, etc, etc. We’ve been there Ricki, we’ve been there.
He stopped short, though, of asking for Wellington to be added to the line-up for the final, figuring that 33 players on the pitch would make the game a bit crowded.
Our thoughts go out to Wellington, though.
Number of the week: €77.000
"UNIQUE" IS how Auto Tradersomewhat understatedly describe a recent addition to individualcars.com's catalogue, Stephen Ireland's heavily-customised Audi R8 Quattro. The Manchester City man has decided to part with the car he bought in 2008, and for just €77,000 it could be yours.
For your money you will get all kinds of goodies, including “privacy glass, electric heated seats and a bespoke stereo system with 8-inch rear sub-woofers with blue neon surrounds”. Best of all, the fuel cap sports a Superman “S” logo, as seen on Ireland’s underpants the day he lowered them in celebration of a goal. It also has a 420bhp 4.2-litre V8 engine which, apparently, is a very good thing.
In what sounds like a bit of an insult, though, Auto Tradersay that the dealer is offering to undo all of Ireland's modifications — for a fee of just €3,300.
Quote of the week: Roy Keane
“We believe Ipswich is a good club to learn your trade, but I live in the real world and there’s always dangers out there. There are pitfalls for lots of players, whether it be other clubs coming in, women, drugs or bad injuries.”
– Roy putting the fairer sex ahead of cocaine and broken legs in the danger stakes.
Not quote of the week but still quite good . . .
“The greatest players in history are never taller than 5ft 5in: Maradona, Baggio. It’s ability that counts, not the centimetres.”
Little Chilean international DAVID PIZARRO sort of insinuating that Peter Crouch isn’t one of the game’s greats.
“He seems like the kind of man you’d trust with your daughter, but that doesn’t make him a good captain”
GRAEME SOUNESS on Arsenal goalkeeper Manuel Almunia, a potential son-in-law but not skipper material.
