After the recounts, Galwey is elected

Owing to a chance meeting and a handshake with Mick Galwey, whose wisdom knows no bounds, this correspondent was afflicted with prophetic powers. Alas, to preserve the unpredictably which makes sport great, I am obliged to sprinkle the definite truths of the future with some deliberately inaccurate forecasts. Alas, this process will be maintained, you may have guessed, with our weekly match forecasts during the coming year.

January

Leinster and Munster reach European Cup quarter-final stages. England get only two qualifiers, demand hand recount, seek recourse in courts, and say they will boycott European Cup/throw toys out of prams unless granted places for all 12 of their Premier Division clubs the following season on the grounds that they're the only ones who have a vision of professionalism, it's just that no one else shares it or understands it. BBC announce that England are to be thrown out of Six Nations for failing to abide by Home Unions accord and for refusing to play away from Twickenham. After dramatic round of last-ditch negotiations, England are re-instated.

February

Record number of Irish supporters enjoy junket (oops, game) in Rome. Mick Galwey and Peter Clohessy are granted private audience with Pope. Impact substitutions help Ireland to unconvincing win in Six Nations opener against Italians. Knives are sharpened for Gatland. Ronan O'Gara stays on for modelling assignment. Defying George Hook's prediction, Ireland beat France at Lansdowne Road. Knives are put away for another day/defeat. Hook says afterwards that Ireland will win Grand Slam. IRFU consider offering Gatland new one-month extension to contract.

March

In tabloid expose, holier-than-thou Peter Clohessy is caught buying a Daniel O'Donnell record. Munster players express concern. Ireland lose to Wales in Millennium Stadium. Knives are taken back out again.

England jet into Dublin on crest of six-match winning streak. Irish team are surprised to find an Irishman in Lansdowne Road amongst the attendance. Eventually England pull through, but maintain performances such as this won't be good enough if they are going to win the World Cup in 2003.

Knives are razor sharpened for Gatland.

April

Ireland save season with thrilling comeback win over Scots, inspired by impact replacements. Ollie Campbell replaces George Hook as RTE analyst in move toward more moderate approach.

Demand for European Cup semi-final tickets is so intense that Munster are obliged to move their match with Leinster to Lansdowne Road, from where game is moved to Croke Park to satisfy interest.

Cork Con, Ballymena, Galwegians and St Mary's qualify for AIL semi-finals. IRFU insiders ask "how the hell did a team from Connacht get there?" Galwegians and Ballymena progress to final.

May

Galwegians win AIL. Influential IRFU figures demand inquiry. Having forgotten the names of their contracted players, Limerick clubs demand ousting of entire IRFU committee.

Munster beat Leicester in European Cup final under Millennium Stadium roof. Munster Brains Trust take a day off, but only after warning that they've only won one European Cup.

Peter Clohessy and Mick Galwey are granted freedom of Limerick.Galwey is urged to embark upon career in politics but instead joins Fianna Fail. Ronan O'Gara and Peter Stringer start boy band.

Seven Irish players are included in Lions tour party. Clive Woodward, backed by English press, demands hand recount after Graham Henry selects a mere 20 English players and prefers Keith Wood to Martin Johnson as captain.

June/July

After first Test win over Wallabies, in British tabloid expose, the clean-living Peter Clohessy is photographed eating a wine gum in a moment of weakness. Team-mates fear it could be a slippery slope from here on.

Brian O'Driscoll inspires Lions to series win under motivational leadership of Keith Wood. Returning heros are greeted at airports throughout Ireland and Britain; Irish contingent return in disguise by boat to avoid Minister for Sport.

August

All Blacks' 56-50 win over Wallabies to clinch Tri-Nations Series, refereed by Alain Rolland, is hailed as a classic/derided as indicative of flawed, modern day pyjama rugby. English Premiership starts.

Keith Wood and Brian O'Driscoll open up haute couture chain in men's clothes. Ronan O'Gara is lead model. Peter Stringer is mascot.

September/October

Munster, whose leading players are still being rested by paternal Declan Kidney, suffer first home defeat in three years to Leinster, inspired by Brian O'Driscoll on his seasonal re-appearance. Munster bounce back to win interpros to complete four-in-a-row. Munster Brains Trust say they've won nothing yet.

November

Ireland record wins over Samoa, the All Blacks and Canada. IRFU offer Gatland new one-week contract.

December

Fresh wave of tribunals forces public uprising under leadership of Mick Galwey. In his first decree, Galwey commands that all Xmas songs be banned from shopping malls/pubs/radio channels/anywhere in public. Anyone caught disregarding his orders is punished by mandatory attendance at IB seminar outlining laws of the game. He is hailed as a visionary.