Giving out is the new going out.
We have always been good at complaining, but if reports coming back from canvassers around the country were anything to go by, a whole new level of grumpiness has taken hold.
Angry Ireland may be a reaction to pandemic lockdowns or a product of the pernicious creep of social media misinformation, but politicians who have been knocking on doors and pounding the pavements are in no doubt about its existence.
“Anger on the doorsteps” became a very familiar phrase in recent weeks.
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Gift-wrapped Simon Harris switches on Dáil Christmas tree lights in glow of peace and harmony
Joy is a word Conor McGregor returns to again and again. Nikita Hand paints a much darker picture
Mischievous Micheál cheekily grabs the GE24 champagne bottle from under Simon’s nose
Local and European campaigns never attract the same level of excitement as a general election battle but this year’s contests offered up an entertainingly diverse cast of characters armed with a ballot box in one hand and a hammy promotional video in the other.
Here’s some of the highs and lows, howlers and horrors of the campaign.
Most embarrassing row
Fianna Fáil’s Niall Blaney throwing a strop at the press conference for his party’s European election manifesto launch because he wasn’t getting the “same support” as the other candidates.
As a delighted media laps it up, stony faced Micheál Martin shuts down his seething Donegal senator by refusing to discuss campaign logistics in public while Minister for Housing Darragh O’Brien stands silently beside Blaney looking like a stunned mullet.
Classic Hits
When “shock jock” Niall Boylan announced he would be standing in Dublin for Independent Ireland, the new party run by rural based independent TDs Michael Collins and Richard O’Donoghue, his candidature would have been greeted with mild amusement and minor shock by the chattering classes if they listened to his radio show.
The lack of amusement and growing shock came later as Boylan (anti-woke and all that comes with it) rose up the opinion polls and rivals found there was a lot of support for him on the doorsteps.
Journalists canvassing with 98fm radio show host reported a high recognition factor among members of the people, many of whom wanted to greet him personally.
The established parties are watching the Dublin count with particular interest. Will Boylan take out one of the big beasts in the race for Europe? If he scores a classic hit it will be one of the biggest upsets of the election.
Most popular winner
We can call this before the other votes are counted.
It has to be Ann Grimes, celebrated voice of the legendary “Ah he-yor, leave it rout” video from 2012 when she was heard trying to break up a street brawn in Talbot Street.
The doughty Dublin grandmother was declared the Community Lord Mayor of North Wall and Sheriff Street last week after a hard fought contest against two other local heroes, Christian Byrne and Paula Spain.
A deserving winner.
Video atrocities
Fine Gael lost the plot entirely with a constant outflow of “zany” videos featuring its European election candidates in a variety of toe-curling capers showcasing everything but their policies. Maria Walsh in Midlands Northwest was the worst offender – corny offerings included a Murder She Wrote parody.
John Mullins in Ireland South ran her a close second. He recreated Boris Johnson’s JCB moment from the last UK general election by driving a tractor through a wall of boxes before donning a tux à la James Bond.
“The name is Mullins. John Mullins. Licensed to deliver.”
Swear to God
Then there was Simon Coveney. On a horse. With Nina Carberry, a famous jockey, who wasn’t.
Retched stuff
And speaking of keeping your dinner down, we can’t ignore it. Sorry.
Richard Bruton on a boat in Howth, baring his chest again and diving into the sea because this is the only way that the new Social Protection payments can be explained in a manner simple enough for voters busy throwing up to understand.
And while it seems unimaginable that there could be any notice-boxes from Kerry worse than the Healy-Raes, up pops outgoing MEP Sean Kelly challenging Richard to a “body politic” contest and putting up photographs of his naked torso taken from some weird angles.
Once seen, never unseen.
He deleted the post but the damage was done.
What’s wrong with these people in Fine Gael.
We’re thinking of suing for damages.
Been There Undone That
This award goes to John Waters in Midlands Northwest who was getting his bits out long before the two FG lads began taking off their clothes.
Before he decided to save Ireland and moved to the west, Waters posed nude for artist Nick Miller in an RTÉ arts documentary called Naked. Perched on an airchair, furrier than the combined hairiness of two Fine Gael candidates and holding a bunch of flowers across his electoral prospects.
Richard and Sean? Amateurs.
Hind legs off a donkey
Most talkative candidate in a very crowded and competitive field is a very hard fought category but Fianna Fáil’s Cynthia Ní Mhurchú was more than up to the challenge.
The former RTÉ broadcaster, Eurovision host in Riverdance year and barrister is never at a loss for words. Party headquarters are so impressed by her ability to get her name out there that they ploughed a lot of money behind her campaign. (Don’t tell Niall Blaney, he’s upset enough as it is.)
Her emergence on the political scene sparked memories for one observer who remarked “I remember when she was MC for the St Patrick’s Day parade and it was said “she can speak five languages but can’t f**king shut up in any of them”.
Which sounds about right.
Throw a tea-towel over his cage award
The award goes to hyperactive first-time Taoiseach Simon Harris, who never sleeps.
Best nickname
None of the candidates for Europe had nicknames – at least not on the ballot paper.
But there were a few contenders in the local elections.
Fianna Fáil led the field with Peter “Chap” Cleere (Kilkenny), Donal “Mandy” Kelly (Donegal), Brian “Beano” Clerkin (Monaghan) and Philip “Gunner” Brady (Cavan).
Also in Cavan was Sinn Féin’s Michael “Bricker” Wall.
How times have changed. Not so long ago it would have been bricks for builders party FF and guns for Provo supporting SF.
Sinn Féin also had Oliver “Figgy” Curran running in Meath.
The sole Fine Gael contender was Michael “Moegie” Maher in Galway and among the independents was Jimmy “Stavrous” Mee in Monaghan and Liam “Speedy” Nolan in Kerry.
Our runner-up is another independent from Kerry “Niall “Botty” O’Callaghan.
And the winner is Tipperary Labour stalwart Michael “Chicken” Brennan.
Must have accessory of election 24
A 99 ice-cream cone.
Hello Mary Lou. Hello? Hello?
A difficult campaign for formerly all-conquering Sinn Féin as their poll figures went on the slide.
The lesser-spotted Mary Lou McDonald didn’t figure much in the media and her final interview with Claire Byrne veered at times into car crash territory.
Getting heckled in working class areas where the party once enjoyed massive support was a sobering experience. The party leader’s off repeated mantra about the people being “impatient for change” was about them switching allegiance to a different crowd of populists.
The results will be watched closely and anxiously in Parnell Square and West Belfast.
Surprise candidate of the elections
Some strange and not so wonderful candidates popped up everywhere but perhaps the most surprising announcement came when Fianna Fáil unveiled Caio Benicio as its runner in Dublin’s North Inner City.
He is the Brazilian Deliveroo driver who came to the aid of the children attacked in Parnell Square last November – an event which gave rise to rioting in the city centre. A go-fund-me account was set up for him and it raised hundreds of thousands.
He returned to Brazil and it was presumed wouldn’t return, but Benicio came back and was persuaded to stand in the local elections.
Showbiz corner
Socialist to the stars, Clare Daly of Independents4Change, attracted some high powered celebrity endorsements during her bid to return to Brussels.
Hollywood actors Susan Sarandon and John Cusack and singer Annie Lennox were among supporters urging votes to give her a number one.
Clare’s election posters showed a creativity and flair not usually seen on billboards, but her “Still Different, Still Daly” effort stood out in the crowd. However, her political partner in Brussels, Mick Wallace just shading it for best poster with his striking “Good Trouble” slogan.
Meanwhile, Fine Gael candidate Nina Carberry had her stint on RTE’s “Dancing with the Stars” high up on her CV for Europe literature.
But the big prize for Election Twinkletoes goes to Fianna Fáil leader, Micheál Martin, who was dragged out to dance on the Main Street in Wexford Town by a fan and found himself trying to bop to 90s classic, Barbie Girl.
Awkward doesn’t begin to describe it but at least he gave it a go.
The health conscious Tánaiste was photographed later in the campaign tucking into a dirty big burger in a fast food joint, but anyone see him actually bite into it?
He probably had an emergency banana out of shot in case he felt peckish.
Down with the kids
The Greens joined a global trend and did their own version of the viral “Man in Finance” TikTok video. It featured outgoing lip-syncing MEPs Ciaran Cuffe and Grace O’Sullivan with senator Pauline O’Reilly also contributing to the clip.
“I’m looking for a man in finance, trust fund, 6′ 5″, Blue eyes” is how the original ear worm goes. Lots of funny adaptations are doing the rounds.
The Greens one wasn’t exactly hilarious.
It came with subtitles. Climate (finance), Blue (unpolluted skies) Just (transition fund), 1.5 (degrees).
Apparently the young people were unimpressed.
The Fine Gael version would have been topless.
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