And now for something completely different . . . nothing to do with Nice, the North or Ray Burke. Well, something to do with Ray Burke as this rant is about golf and I've just been told that Mr Burke and I are both honorary members of the same golf club. I wondered why I never went there, writes Martyn Turner.
Golf, yes golf. Recently Ireland hosted 64 of the top golfers in the world who descended upon Thomastown in Co Kilkenny and bashed their way round Mount Juliet in search of their share of a few million dollars. I sort of watched it on the television and then, well, didn't bother.
The reason I didn't bother was that it looked exactly like every other televised golf tournament you can watch on Sky Sports every Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday evening throughout the year. Boring. And why is it boring? I'll tell you why it was boring. It was just another American tournament, played on an American golf course, even - fortunately for us - played in American weather. American golf has nothing to do with normal golf. It's a different game.
We are getting a rash of American golf clubs in Ireland and it's changing the game here. American golf courses are spreading across the country like weed on Lough Derg. Normal golf courses are being transformed daily. There are a dozen of the beasts within 10 miles of where I sit in Kildare writing this. It's the latest thing.
In England they built an American golf course deliberately, years ago. They called it The Belfry and they designed it so European golfers had somewhere to practise American golf before they went off to America. They didn't envisage that there would be thousands of them built.
They played the Ryder Cup there the weekend before last week. The glorious, wonderful, exciting and non-boring Ryder Cup and the Europeans did everything they could to make the Americans feel at home - they played the event on an American golf course. Next time the Ryder Cup is in Europe, it'll be played at the K Club in Straffan, an American course; then in Wales at Celtic Manor, an American course, and then Scotland in 2014 where there is (sigh) only a one in four chance that it'll be played on an American golf course - they haven't decided from the short list of four yet.
And what, I hear you scream - as if you care - is American golf? Thank you for asking. It is three things. Firstly it is golf played on greens that are built to stop a ball like a Harrier jump jet. In its tracks. No problem. It's velcro golf. Take the 18th at Mount Juliet, for example: three irons, four irons coming in low over the water and the bunker on the left , hitting the green, putting on their afterburners and stopping by the flag. Impossible, or it should be, but nowadays it's the way they play. The American way. A three iron, in real life, might stop 30 feet after hitting the ground.
Secondly, it's a golf course where the bunkers aren't hazards but enhancements. I have played on golf courses - Ganton, Woodhall Spa, our own European Club - where, if you get in a bunker you go in with a native guide, sandwiches, a thermos and a spade. If you are allowed to use a mobile phone you ring home and say you may be a little late.
The point of bunkers is that you avoid them at all costs. In American golf you aim for them. They are easier (with practice) to get out of than the rough. You can hole bunker shots in American golf, as Paul Azinger did in the Ryder Cup. In normal golf, if you go in a bunker you enter, write your will, pray , escape and eventually play on.
Thirdly, American golf is golf played in perfect conditions. I was in the States once and saw a notice on a school bulletin board explaining that a soccer match had been postponed because it was raining. I thought it was a joke but was told, no, rain does stop play. The same applies to American golf. Slight breeze, a little inclemency and they stop and wait for it to blow over and then play on.
They play in windless conditions and thus they play mechanically. Every club has a distance.They measure the distance, hit the club and there you go. You might as well get a robot to do it for you. If a slight breeze springs up (as it did in the British Open this year) Tiger Woods can't break 80. Why? Because his seven iron no longer travelled 173 yards and 14 inches but went 42 yards into the wind if he hit it a bit and 256 yards downwind. Normal golf.
Strangely, when American professional golfers come here in their own time they play normal golf courses, admittedly to acclimatise to conditions at the British Open. But it is more than that. Some of them actually enjoy normal golf. In Scotland, this summer, one American after playing his round at the Open hastened off and played another 18 holes each evening on the wonderful, normal, golf courses that are close to Edinburgh.
Developers and golf club committees all over these islands are building American golf courses. Digging up hard clay greens and laying down the regulation six inches of sand and taking half of the skill of the game away with them. Chance and serendipity are taken out of the game. It just ain't natural, normal.
Next time we get the 64 of the best golfers in the world in Ireland can they play on a proper golf course, please? Ballyliffen, the European Club, Carlow, The Island, Portmarnock - wherever, just not somewhere under the hegemony of the United States Professional Golfers Association and its velcro greens.
Please don't get me wrong. I enjoy playing American golf. It is, generally, a lot easier than normal golf. And there is definitely a place for American golf . . . I believe it is called America.