Shock at report of John's death in Herod's palace

Jerusalem, 31 A.D.

There was deep shock in the city at news that the preacher John had been found dead in his cell at King Herod's palace early on Wednesday morning last. A statement from the palace said the preacher, known as "the Baptist", appeared to have died of natural causes but that doctors were conducting an investigation.

The results of the investigation were released on Thursday. It said John had died following a severe heart attack. He had been ill with pains in his chest most of the previous day, it said. Following a request that the body be handed over, friends of John were told it had already been buried in the palace grounds.

"On security advice it was felt this would be in the best interest of public order as the funeral could have become a focus for unruly elements," a palace spokesman said.

John's friends were outraged and appealed to Governor Pilate to intervene. He said it was an internal matter and for King Herod to deal with. An appeal to the High Priest, Dr Caiphais, was also unsuccessful. He said it was a civic not a religious matter and he had no authority in the area. He expressed "regret" at John's death.

One of John's friends said he believed the preacher had been murdered and that was why the body was not being released. "It's a cover-up", he said, "and I'll get to the bottom of it if it takes the rest of my life. What sort of country are we living in when an innocent man like John can be got rid of like that?" he asked.

The Moon tabloid greeted the news with the headline "Gone - Soon Forgotten". It described the preacher as a "barking mad lunatic who should have stayed in the desert where he belonged". It said John was like a cactus "all needles and mush in his head. One preacher gone is good news, but there are too many roaming the country sponging off the people. They should all be deported or jailed."

There has been no response to John's death from the Jesus campaign. Reports indicate that on hearing the news Jesus himself withdrew into the desert on his own for a day. Others said this was because of an incident near Capernaum.

There Jesus saw a mob stoning a man who was believed to have sexually abused children. He shouted at them to stop and they stood back. He rested his hand on the kneeling man's injured head and challenged the mob angrily. "If there is a man among you and he has never done anything seriously wrong in his life let him step forward. He can throw the first stone!"

"Come on . . . I'm waiting," he shouted. The crowd began to mutter. Someone shouted "paedophile lover" at Jesus. Someone else roared, "You're another bloody pervert. All ye preachers are the same. Twisted bastards." But no one stepped forward. The atmosphere was tense.

The man who was being stoned looked up at Jesus and said, "You'd better go. There's no point in the two of us being killed and I deserve it." Jesus said nothing. He stayed put. The mob began to disperse eventually, shouting back obscenities.

He helped the man to his feet. "Now, go and sin no more," he said to him. The man was profuse with gratitude and was beginning to be a nuisance when one of Jesus's friends said, "Will you go while you can, before that crowd come back." And he went.

Judas Iscariot was said to have been infuriated at the incident. An unconfirmed report said he and Jesus had a stand-up row there on the side of the road. He is said to have told Jesus he was ruining the campaign. "Whores, adulterers, paedophiles, tax collectors, drunks, lepers . . . look at the company you keep? How in God's name do you hope to get anywhere hanging around with those sort of people? And they say paedophiles are incurable . . . "

"So are lepers," Jesus is reported to have replied. "We must separate the person from the disease. We must cherish the person whatever the disease," he was reported as saying. Judas was then said to have pleaded with Jesus to stop fraternising with such company. "We'll soon run out of funds," he is believed to have said, "and I can't run a campaign without money."

"So be it," Jesus is said to have replied. And Judas is supposed to have stormed off.