Miriam Lord's Week

Coalition parties; a dressing-down; Biffo is translated; Sargent's supper; Hillery hailed; Hanafin sees red; Treaty threat; José Who?; will Brian saddle up?; political pints

Political bulls Eamon and Enda lock horns over shared birthday

THE FIRE brigade is on full alert due to the possibility of a major incident in Leinster House next week. One false move and the entire place could go up in smoke.

It's all down to Enda Kenny, Eamon Gilmore and 109 flaming candles. On Thursday, the Fine Gael and Labour leaders share a birthday. Last year, they hadn't much time to celebrate because they were too busy obsessing about the election.

Enda turns a youthful 57 and Eamon will still be a mere stripling at 52. To their credit, they both have their own hair and teeth. With the birthday boys clocking in on April 24th, this means that Ceann Comhairle O'Donoghue is not the only bull in the Dáil - deputies Kenny and Gilmore were born under the sign of Taurus.

In another FG/Labour birthday coincidence, it turns out that former leaders John Bruton and Pat Rabbitte also share the same birthday: May 18th. Another brace of political bulls into the bargain.

Still on matters astrological, what about the man who is soon to be taoiseach? Brian Cowen is a goat (Capricorn).

Media gives Merkel more coverage than her dress

Angela Merkel's visit to Dublin on Monday got scant attention in the German newspapers. The chancellor's trip to Ireland was overshadowed by . . . her cleavage.

She attended a dinner in Oslo the night before coming to Dublin and was photographed wearing a low-cut dress. Cue much clucking and consternation in the media back home. A national debate followed on whether or not she had showed too much flesh. The papers got stuck in and sides were taken. Some commentators lauded Merkel for her style and bravery, while others put her outfit down to an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction.

The conservative Die Welt got into a terrible tizzy and tried to keep the discussion upmarket, referring to the chancellor's "openhearted appearance" and the "baroque opulence" of her bosom.

Dublin was all but ignored. In Berlin, a government press spokesman nearly had to hose down the (mostly male) press pack as they demanded details of the dress and whether or not it was a suitable garment to wear at dinner with a Scandinavian prime minister.

(She thought better of giving it a second outing when she dined with good Catholic boy Bertie the following night.)

Back in Germany, the spokesman said Ms Merkel was surprised but not unflattered that, considering important themes like energy, security and the Afghanistan mission, the world had nothing better to report on than the "new arrangement of the Chancellor's inventory". Which is one way of describing Angela's generous embonpoint.

Completely out of scale, he continued.

The coverage, not the cleavage.

Großer dummer Scheißkerl aus Offaly

This is not to say that Germany has not been keeping, er, abreast of political developments here. The arrival of Brian Cowen has been noted with interest. His nickname caused some problems, though.

One paper, the Süddeutsche Zeitung, gamely attempted a full explanation of Biffo. It has to be said, it loses a little in translation: "Großer dummer Scheißkerl aus Offaly." GDSAO - not a great acronym. It doesn't work as an anagram either. Unlike Brian Cowen: plug that into an internet anagram generator and you get, among other things: "Baron Wince" and "Canine Brow".

Sargent faces surfeit of food for thought

Vegetable tart update! Food Minister Trevor Sargent is launching Trinity College's first Food Week on Monday. He will do the honours in the Front Square at 11.30am, with the Provost, John Hegarty.

Dr Hegarty should be warned that Trevor is besotted with vegetables, and is currently head over heels in love with a parsnip. However, the Minister continues to carry a torch for organic potatoes, as press releases from his department testify.

The Provost may want to stand well clear when the surprise guests arrive. There's no knowing how Trevor might react when he sees them. According to the Trinity Greens, "giant human fruit" will be in attendance, including an apple, a banana and a corn on the cob.

If a Maris Piper appears, Provost Hegarty better be ready with the smelling salts.

Paddy Hillery, golfer, patriot and sex symbol

The Oireachtas expressions of sympathy following the death of former president Hillery were rich in their warmth and affection for the man. In the Dáil, they were confined to party leaders, while in the Seanad a little more latitude was extended.

Senator Feargal Quinn recalled

the Paddy Hillery who was a friend, neighbour and golfing partner, and a customer in Feargal's Sutton branch of Superquinn.

"When I first ran for a seat in this House in 1992, I wondered whom I could ask for a nomination. I decided to seek that nomination from Paddy Hillery, a person I admired so much. When I phoned to ask if he would nominate me, he very happily did so, then, and again in 1997 and 2002.

"Last year, when I phoned again seeking a nomination, Maeve told me he was not there but that he would call back. Later on he phoned my wife who told me: 'He isn't going to nominate you this year. I think you didn't give him a short putt on the 18th hole'.

"It turned out, however, that he could not nominate me because his son, Dr John Hillery, was also running in the same NUI constituency.

"He was embarrassed at the time but we laughed about it afterwards."

Green Senator Deirdre de Burca spoke of Paddy Hillery's exemplary record of public service, then she finished her contribution with an astonishing fact: "On a lighter note, the former president Hillery was once voted the world's sexiest head of state by readers of the German magazine, Der Spiegel. I believe it is important to remember this also." How right you are, Deirdre.

Meanwhile, the funeral was a family affair in more ways than one - Brian Cowen, the incoming head of the Fianna Fáil family, impressed with his carefully worded graveside oration.

"Dr Patrick Hillery was, undoubtedly, a patriot. A man, who shied away from rhetoric but chose action. For those of us engaged in political life, his career of service is a model for us to follow and hope to replicate. To honour Paddy Hillery's political legacy, we should use his life of service and of dedication to challenge all of us in the conduct of ours."

But family is family, and after the burial, Brian Cowen walked up to the old cemetery in the upper field to pay his respects at the grave of Charles Haughey.

Afterwards, the Hillerys hosted a reception in the Conrad Hotel for the political mourners and family friends. His son John addressed the gathering, recalling many fond memories of his father.

The family is also planning a commemoration within the next few weeks in former president Hillery's beloved Co Clare.

Mary Hanafin, once a teacher, always a scold

As soon as the funeral service ended, Minister for Education Mary Hanafin made a beeline across St Fintan's cemetery to a group of school students who had been in attendance.

She began to interrogate them, in the way teachers do.

"You're very respectful children! What school are you from?" demanded the Minister.

Whereupon a teacher's voice rose from the crowd. "The one without the roof."

Mary was having none of it. "Answer the question you were asked," she barked.

"Spanish Point," murmured the shaken múinteoir.

Farmer's historic dig at Mandelson

Quote of the week comes from a farmer outside Dublin Castle on Thursday, during the protest over Commissioner Mandelson's handling of the WTO negotiations.

The man had obviously been watching the old news footage of Patrick Hillery this week, including that famous episode from the 1971 Fianna Fáil Ardfheis, when an enraged Hillery roared from the platform, "Ye can have Boland, but ye can't have Fianna Fáil!"

Shaking with fury, the farmer lifted his placard and roared: "Ye can have Mandelson, but ye can't have Lisbon!"

Barroso so anonymous he's mistaken for a PD

Overheard on Dublin's Molesworth Street as a motorcade stops outside the EU Commission offices and a sleek man with a continental tan steps from his limousine, surrounded by security. It is José Manuel Barroso, commission president, doing the rounds on a visit to Dublin.

"Who's yer man?" "It must be the new leader of the PDs."

What are odds on Cowen visiting Galway 'tint'?

With Bertie's departure from the scene, there has been speculation about the future of the famous Fianna Fáil "tint" at the Galway races.

Fifteen years on the go and a major fundraiser for the party, it is a place of pilgrimage for the party glitterati and a favourite haunt of big builders and property developers.

Bertie Ahern has been guest of honour at the tent for 14 of those 15 years, where his pal and fellow tribunal sufferer, Des Richardson, oversees the operation.

However, the binoculars and high heels brigade need not fret. The tint is booked and ready to go and ticket sales have never been better.

The only question is, will taoiseach Cowen lead the posse to Ballybrit this year? Or has Kilbeggan's moment come?

Brian's Brew could be in line for a comeback

The good people at Biddy Early's brewery in Co Clare will have to consider reintroducing "Brian's Brew" now that he is about to become taoiseach.

As we told you earlier this year, they launched it in his honour in 2005 after he reduced tax on small craft breweries. Only a few bottles remain in private collections.

"Brian's Brew is brewed using the finest Offaly water. Crisp oats with definitely no sweetness added!"

Since we last told you about Brian's Brew, we've unearthed the label. (See above.) They'd go mad for it in Doheny and Nesbitt's.