The parent trap

I couldn't but overhear our conscientious, enthusiastic, newly-trained B Ed the other day as he encountered an initiation that every teacher must face at some stage in his or her career, usually sooner rather than later - the hysterical parent.

I listened as Tomas tried in vain to introduce logic and reason into this diatribe from hell, and had to restrain myself from drawing on the years of experience that have left me a crabbity old biddy, but one with a certain amount of expertise, I like to think, in this department.

You see, I have learned enough from years of an "Open Door Policy" to have decided that it works best with a "Closed Mouth" one. On the part of the teacher usually, though not exclusively, may I add.

Step One: Patience. Allow the parents in question to exhaust themselves and then ask them to repeat themselves, as you're not sure if you've grasped the problem fully.

Step Two: Pause and Reflect (Remember that closed mouth). Then sally forth with a few salient questions. Something like "And why do you think we would find it necessary to reprimand kicking in the line, Mrs. Duffy?" would do fine here. Exhaustion may have kicked in by now, and guarded dialogue usually follows.

This failing, I'm a great believer in Step Three: the History Theory. This involves a small red sin-book and a grasp of language somewhere between the artistic and the descriptive. Display the natural talents which led you into the field of education and describe in full descriptive, chronological detail (and any other sort of detail that comes to mind, too) the lead-up to the present turbulence.

Of course, you should avoid the fatal error of delivering such no-no phrases as "But, I only said . . ." and definitely anything in the vein of "Your child is a liar /thief /delinquent /sissy" etc. We all have our limits! Then there is always the tried and tested teacher-speak that will evolve as naturally as poverty in the profession. "Would need to apply himself/herself", "Under the terms of our code of discipline" and the ubiquitous "Under-achieving" are far more soothing to a parent than "If she doesn't get up off her tail-end she'll end up illiterate as well as delinquent."

Of course, you should always model your communication with parents on the bee rather than the scorpion. Temper the sting with a little honey. The old phrase about never letting the sun go down on a row was written with the average teacher in mind. Kylie might be an overweight, mollycoddled bully to someone else, but as his teacher, you see more than her minor failings.

Yes, you spent three years studying psychology and you see more, much more. So, finish on a high point and enlighten the parent with some of her achievements and talents. "I know you're going to be delighted to hear that she's finally tying her own laces, Mrs Duffy, so you have nothing to worry about regarding secondary next year."

Aren't we natural communicators, we teachers!

So, next time I see Tomas headed for the Parent Trap, I might just take this particular lesson for him. We are all partners in education, he is fond of saying. But, he's mighty fond of all this theory, so maybe I'd be better off giving him his head and allowing him access to a bit of "Discovery Learning!" Na thagann ciall roimh aois.