Master strokes to gain control

Tom was immersed in a book in the corner of the staffroom. Joe, his buddy, was intrigued.

"What are you reading Tom?"

He unveils the cover to expose Getting the Buggers to Behave to a gobsmacked Joe.

Tom is from Cavan and is often the butt of staffroom jokes about Cavan people.

"Since it is such a slim volume, it must be about great Cavan victories," proffered a cynical Joe.

Ignoring the slight on his county team, Tom replied: "It is the new manual for those of us who have to deal with disruptive classes, something you would know nothing about."

This was a reference to the fact that Joe teaches honours maths and physics and consequently gets all the highly motivated students.

"According to this book, we will have to become performers in class, doing the most unusual things to retain attention."

The author of this book is Sue Cowley, a drama teacher, who has been hired by the National Union of Teachers to coach new recruits to teaching in Britain.

The book is already in its third edition.

"She certainly knows her pupils," said Tom.

"So what kind of tricks does she propose?" asked an increasingly interested Joe.

"Start the class by eating a tin of dog food." Tom was warming to his theme.

Joe, who was just about to drink a cup of coffee, emptied it down the sink.

"All you do is buy a tin of dog food, empty it out and fill it with chopped-up chocolate. Then proceed to eat it in front of the class making sure the name of the dog food is clearly visible. Once they have voiced their disgust - ask one of them to taste what you have been eating."

The general consensus was that if good teaching was to become a performance exercise, then it was time to seek early retirement under any strand - whether mad, bad or sad. Particularly mad!