Dear Roe,
I am in a very happy relationship with my fiance for the last seven years. We recently got engaged and are fully committed to each other. Over the years, we have gone through many ups and downs including buying a house together, undergoing IVF and the birth of our daughter. My issue is that I find it difficult to not blame him for the smallest of things and it leads to most of our arguments. Things like losing my keys or not being able to find something; I immediately blame him and feel real anger towards him. Often to find out that he had nothing to do with it at all. I don’t do this with any other person in my life. I grew up watching my parent’s relationship (they’re now separated) filled with blame, agitation and negativity. My partner is really patient but I know this annoys him, as it would annoy me if it were the other way around. I always feel terrible after the event and I apologise, but ultimately, I would like this to stop. I really don’t want this to continue in our relationship and I am looking for strategies or ways of helping me to combat this inappropriate reaction before it has a more negative impact on our relationship.
I want to acknowledge just how much change you have gone through. Moving house and having a baby are two of the most stressful events a couple can go through, and you did that on top of experiencing the physical, emotional and possibly financial stress of undergoing IVF. That’s a huge amount of logistical planning, anxiety, physical undertaking, relocating adjustment and even hormonal changes to have gone through over the course of a few years. After a struggle, when you finally get what you wanted – a baby and a new home – it can feel like you need to just be grateful. But we are human beings. Our superpower is that we can feel multiple things at once, and sometimes these feelings aren’t perfectly chronological.
You know that phenomenon where you’re incredibly busy and somehow powering through but the second you have some time off, you fall sick? Our bodies are trained for survival. They will pump us full of adrenaline to get us through a challenge, but we can’t exist in that high-octane state of fight or flight forever. We eventually burn out, and we collapse.
I ended my situationship six months ago but I’m still not over him. How do I move on?
Where can my wife and I access porn that is both legal and erotic?
I think I’m in love with my ‘situationship’ but he doesn’t feel the same
‘My brother-in-law wants to move in with us but I don’t think my marriage will survive it’
I know you’re grateful for your home and baby. But I also bet that the years of stress and exhaustion are catching up with you. You’re running on completely empty – but you don’t get to collapse, because you have a tiny human depending on you. You ran a marathon, and what’s waiting for you at the end isn’t rest and blankets and someone massaging your tired muscles, but sleep deprivation, a crying child and endless logistics.
I’m guessing that life feels overwhelming right now, and when one tiny thing goes wrong, it feels like you can’t control anything in your life. An unfortunate habit of humans is that when we are overwhelmed by the circumstances of our lives, we can often look at the person closest to us and blame them – because we associate proximity with cause, because we’re disappointed that our partner can’t protect us from stress, because getting angry at someone else feels less vulnerable than admitting we’re flailing.
You need to admit that you’re flailing. Only when you start openly acknowledging it can you start addressing the problem and tackling it, together.
It may not be a perfect journey. A 2019 One Poll survey of 2,000 new parents showed that new parents can have seven spats a day, adding up to 2,500 arguments a year. The change in responsibility, sleep deprivation and a lack of time for yourselves as individuals and as a couple can lead to a lot of stress and friction. But communicating through this time and tackling problems as a team is vital.
It’s time to take a three-pronged approach: getting really clear on the big challenges facing you both and coming up with strategies to help; roping in your wider support system; and finding time to reconnect with each other.
[ Ask the Expert: Our baby is thriving, but our marriage is notOpens in new window ]
Firstly, apologise to your fiance for lashing out and tell him you’re going to work on it. Ask him for help addressing the biggest stressors. Together, go through the daily and weekly schedule, and every single task that needs doing. Don’t just discuss your needs; discuss your expectations. Unrealistic expectations are the foundation of resentment. Are either of you expecting something – a seamless bedtime routine, a break when either of you get home from work, some social time – that you haven’t expressed to your partner, causing confusion, or that may be unrealistic, causing disappointment? How can you scale back the expectations but scale up the teamwork?
Can you make a routine of having regular check-ins where you review what parts of the day are working and what aren’t, and adjusting? Even knowing that you will have time to address challenges can help alleviate frustration, as you know you won’t simply have to endure it alone forever. During these check-ins, and as often as is humanely possible throughout each day, say thank you to each other. For every tiny thing. Saying thank you is about witnessing, acknowledging and expressing gratitude for all the small ways you turn up for each other, and are in this together. Saying it aloud will make you both feel more appreciated, and remind you that your fiance is on your team – a reminder that will help stop you seeing him as the enemy when you lose your keys.
No one was meant to raise a child with just one other person – it’s too much. Gather the village
Try to alternate each having an hour for yourselves while the other minds the baby, and do something that is genuinely good for you and helps alleviate stress. Your anger is the pressing issue here, so how can you address that first? Could you book in with a therapist so you can both vent, and get some good strategies for coping and communicating when feeling overwhelmed? Do you need to exercise or move your body to expel some pent-up energy, or journal so you can brain-dump? Do you need to meditate and engage in some mindfulness, which could help you stay calm and present when something small goes wrong? Self-care isn’t just about treating yourself, it can be about self-maintenance, and you have an anger leak that needs fixing. Attend to it.
Every day, you and your fiance are going to claw back some time to just be together and connect. It may be tempting to just veg out, but really invest in your relationship here. Think of a phone with a dying battery: you can turn the phone off, which isn’t expending energy, but it’s not recharging either. You need to recharge your connection. If you only have 10 minutes, make them sacred. No logistics or baby talk, no phones, no television, just each other. Cuddle. Kiss. Read each other something. Ask each other a question you don’t know the answer to. (Apps like Agape or Flamingo Cards are good for this.) You need to feel yourselves as individuals and a couple, not just as parents.
On this topic, rope in that support system. No one was meant to raise a child with just one other person – it’s too much. Gather the village. Get friends or family members to babysit, so you can have time to yourselves; as a couple, and individually, if you can swing that too. Try to invest in some of the hobbies or interests that make you, you, so you don’t feel like you’re losing your entire being to endless tasks.
It will get easier, eventually. You’re in the trenches now – but don’t forget that you’re in it together. Good luck.
