‘Underage team sport is all about winning. It’s heart-breaking to see our son ignored and excluded’

Every large sporting organisation has guidelines which make clear that coaching at under-age level should, primarily, be about fun, inclusion and improving skills. It sounds great in theory. However, earlier this week, Jen Hogan interviewed parents and coaches about the reality inside sporting clubs across the country.

The article shone a light on how some coaches believe winning matches is far more important than including children of all abilities and, importantly, also showed how damaging that attitude can be to those left on the sidelines.

The reaction to the article was huge and, while we have included many of the readers’ responses below, it is still only a small fraction of the submissions. Thank you to everyone who contributed. Here are a selection of the replies, from every county and a few from overseas.

“Underage team sport is all about winning — no doubt about that. Lots of clubs start out with a huge panel of children at ages 6-11. Slowly, but surely, the bigger and stronger children are chosen to play more regularly. A number of children are lost to sport from the age of 12 upwards. The emphasis instead should be on participation for each child, regardless of size and ability. There are ways to achieve this through rules that every panel member has to, for example, start a certain percentage of games and has to play a certain amount of minutes. Unfortunately, win-at-all-cost mentalities and adult egos have to change. The welfare, happiness and sense-of-belonging among their peers are the most important parts of a child’s life.” — Steve

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The coaches weren’t happy with my response. How dare I question them

“You have just wrote our story. It is heartbreaking to see our son ignored and excluded from playing with his friends. That’s what kids want to do. ‘What’s wrong with me mammy and why don’t they like me?’ was our son’s reaction. We were almost in tears to see our child been treated like this by grown men who ignored him. These men never played and in my opinion do not understand the feeling of being left out. How can the GAA allow these people interact with young impressionable minds?” — Tom

[ ‘We nearly lost our boy due to men who needed the under-12 win to make them feel they were great’ ]

“I have four children, three of whom played GAA. The two eldest went to their training sessions and many times we cut visits to family short because they had a match, we rushed back so they would be left on the sideline — their confidence shattered while others who didn’t turn up to training were the stars of the show. My third child loved her football, went to training and would be lucky if she got on for the last 10 minutes and was told then that she would start the next time — an empty promise that was never kept. It destroyed her self-esteem. The breaking point for me as a parent was on a miserable September evening when she went to play in a match in the bucketing rain and she was left standing on the sideline. When the congratulatory text came out with ‘well done girls’. I could hold back no longer. I said yes, congratulations to those who got the chance to play but how about my child and others left standing in the rain. This was a child welfare issue. The coaches weren’t happy with my response. How dare I question them. Thankfully, as a result of these incidents that chipped away at her confidence, she walked away from this toxic environment and now plays tennis and is a member of the local soccer club where she gets played in every match and is very happy.” — Elizabeth

I have never seen my son so upset, disappointed, humiliated. I was furious, my wife finds the whole scenario absolutely incredulous

“My son was very gifted at sports throughout all under-age. Signed by a League of Ireland club and though they had an under-17 team he was eligible for the under-19s and the coach insisted he train with them. I went around the country supporting my son but in that season he didn’t have one minute playing time. It really affected his confidence.” — Kenneth

“I have a child involved in under-age soccer. He attended all training sessions, but only played for last two minutes of matches, or not at all. He dropped out of soccer at 12 with his confidence in tatters. In his school, the class consisted of boys who play football and soccer who form a clique and the others who don’t play. Trainers of football or soccer should not become trainers just because they are available to do so, they should be trained in child psychology and understand how their actions impact on the youth.” — Marion

“Well done to the parents who have spoken out, the GAA are especially bad for the ‘have to win attitude’.” — Mary

It’s woven into our fabric to win, or at least try to win, not just take part

“This is silly. Do kids now not have to learn how to win? Is it not our objective to teach life skills when there young? If kids are constantly taught and coached and made play in a passive manner when is the transition, do we all of a sudden at a certain age say, right this year we have to win and that’s the bottom line? These kids that have been cushioned from reality will wilt, whereas the kids being tutored in the one-minded ‘have-to-win attitude’ will prosper. Do we want kids going through there life saying, ‘oh, I failed my exams but at least I took part’. Same with driving tests, job applications, etc. People, stop bubble-wrapping your kids, life is tough. It’s woven into our fabric to win, or at least try to win, not just take part. Softly, softly passive attitude to young sportspersons doesn’t produce Olympic, soccer, rugby, gymnastic winners, it produces people that don’t care about losing, and they invariably lose out on a competitive mentality. Leave the kids to find their own way or change clubs.” — Roy

“Here is a letter I sent to our local club: Dear Sirs, my son, is a squad member of the under-12 team that play in the Saturday league. He is by no means the star of the team, he has been a substitute for most of the year, and usually gets half game or so. He’s fine with this. Today, the team played in a cup game. He was on the subs bench with 3 other boys. As the game progressed, three of the subs were used throughout the game, Barry had hoped to get on for the last 15. The coach then made a fourth substitution, taking off one of the subs and putting back in another boy who had started the game. My son turned to me and simply said ‘let’s go’. We drove home. I have never seen my son so upset, disappointed, humiliated. I was furious, my wife finds the whole scenario absolutely incredulous, you are lucky she isn’t writing this letter. His aunt and uncle had turned up to see the game, and my son was highly embarrassed in front of them. As a point of reference, I ran a football academy, I have numerous coaching badges, and played football at a senior level. I know my football and I know about coaching kids. What happened today was bad kid coaching, not at a football level but at a welfare level.” — Barry

Both my children gave up all GAA and soccer before secondary school. Such a terrible shame as it’s so good for their health and wellbeing

“Both my children were excluded weekly. It was painful to watch. Once my son got on a Cumann na mBunscol semi-final for the last 10 minutes, scored the goal to take them to the final and was left sitting on the bench for the entire final match. He was so disheartened that day. My other child played soccer, went religiously to all training and Saturday morning matches and was really good, but because he was very quiet he never got picked to play. Both my children gave up all GAA and soccer before secondary school. Such a terrible shame as it’s so good for their health and wellbeing.” — Anna

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“I’ve experienced this exclusion mentality with a rugby underage team. Total disregard for the child’s feelings and a team manager who couldn’t see that encouragement is more important than his ego. These people who are coaching are doing it for their egos and not for the kids. They should all need to attend mandatory psychological evaluation prior to being appointed coaches.” — Tom

“My 11-year-old son plays GAA and loves it, but he wanted to try soccer. He played a ‘mini World Cup’ the first week of his summer holidays and really enjoyed it. A mentor for the club asked if our son would like to ‘try out’ for the soccer team. We were led to believe it was one set of trials — two hours long. He ended up having to do trials and matches every Tuesday and Thursday throughout the whole summer. Our son was dedicated, practising day and night. The last week in August my husband got a text from the ‘mentor’ saying ‘sorry your son didn’t make the team’. Absolutely disgusting that two grown men asked an 11-year-old child to attend trials all summer long. Giving him hope after each session. To say our son was heartbroken would be an understatement. It’s not about the kids or how they feel. Clubs like this should be ashamed of themselves.” — Leighann

My eldest son is there for training every week without fail. There for every match. But constantly sidelined

“These stories have triggered so much for me. It reminds me of the exact same thing that happened to my son. He started with his local GAA club at aged four. Had the most wonderful hurling coach who really cared for him and helped built his confidence. But the football coaches were completely different. As soon as he got to about age 10/12, it became so ruthless and competitive. I was so upset leaving every weekend after he didn’t get his game again, even though he had gone to all his training. It’s absolutely heartbreaking. I approached the coaches several time, spoke out at our parents meetings, tried to remind that coach’s about the effect this stuff has on their mental health. On the GAA website it’s slogan is ‘Mind Our Men’. Some of these GAA Clubs are destroying our men.” — Katherine

“Yes, there was a policy in place where every child playing underage was to have their share of game-time, and there was a coaching officer at the GAA club where my children played football and hurling. Unfortunately, when it came to match-day, most of the well-meaning policy was sacrificed so that the team would get the win and it wasn’t just the coaches who had to get the win, so did many of the parents of the more prominent players. There was no way they were going to settle for losing or stand for their child being taken off. My experience was that coaches were very poorly trained in coaching themselves and would jokingly boast that they were learning as they went along. Some of them volunteer in order to get the best possible advantage within the club for their own child, so that he or she will be considered for promotion to county teams or team panels, development squads at least.” — Mike

“This happened when my boys were playing football two years ago. It happens everywhere. It nearly destroyed one off my boys in his teenage years. I took both out and they never went back. Watching them crying because they weren’t played was heartbreaking. And, of course, the bullying starts then because they’re not good enough. Football is a sh*t-show nowadays and it’s only to boost men’s egos.” — Tara

In training, we try to ensure each player is challenged at her level, with lots of fun and nothing is worth getting upset about. Some of the parents, mind, I wish they’d just stay at home!

“As a volunteer mentor with the under-9 girls team, and not being of a GAA background, I and my fellow mentors are focused on ensuring the team has fun and are challenged physically and mentally. At games, we try to be ‘quiet coaches’, although not always successfully! Yes, it can be hard to change around the team when you know you are putting weaker players in critical positions, but everyone needs to play and everyone needs to learn. We always try to ensure each team has a mix of hard, charging players, players who are getting there, and players who are just showing up because mum or dad brought them. In training, we try to ensure each player is challenged at her level, with lots of fun and nothing is worth getting upset about. Some of the parents, mind, I wish they’d just stay at home!” — John

“Experiencing this all this year with one of my kids aged 14. It appears to be the norm now in GAA to put the win before anything else. It appears to be a system of leaving the mixed-ability player on the sidelines until they weed out the weakest player. Not all coaches act in this manner, but unfortunately there are many for whom this is the norm.” — Mairéad

The grá is gone for him, but all his friends play so he goes along with it

“My daughter played camogie. At under-12 she went to the weekly training sessions without fail, but she was one of the ones left on the sideline, or played for the last few minutes if the team was winning well. The team made it to the final but even though the team were winning well, she was again left on the sideline. She was never put on. I challenged one of the coaches after the match. He ‘explained’ that it was an important match and they couldn’t risk putting weaker players on. What a small-minded pathetic man if winning at under-12s is the most important thing in his life. I kept a brave face in front of my daughter but of course she felt inadequate and shamed in front of her classmates. My daughter left the club. She still plays other sports with clubs where she feels valued. My advice to any parent whose child receives similar treatment is to just leave the club. You will never change them.” — Mary

“My eldest son is there for training every week without fail. There for every match. But constantly sidelined. Pulled on for 10 minutes so no one can accuse the coaches of not giving him a game. The same coaches who have no issue telling a bunch of nine- and 10-year olds, ‘you’re sh*t, get it together’. He loved playing GAA until last year when he moved up an age group. The grá is gone for him, but all his friends play so he goes along with it. Towards the end of this season he just stopped going to matches. He went to training but skipped the disappointment of being sidelined at the matches. Any man or dad I’ve mentioned it to has had the same response, ‘oh that’s just character building, that’s the GAA for you, no room for being a softie, he’ll get used to it once he toughens up a bit’. They all seem to have forgotten that’s it’s a game, a hobby.” — Kate

I didn’t write that sh*te, I’m here to win

“Thank you for this important topic. I’m, what the Americans call a travel soccer and basketball coach. Where teams representing towns from under-7 through high school play each other. The sole purpose of coaching is to develop players — their confidence, technical and physical abilities. Period. At underage, the purpose is not to win or lose. Every and any formal coaching program in the US starts out, and ends, with requiring coaches to ensure their players have fun. However, what I’ve found universally, is parents expect their child’s team to win games. The sky is falling if their child’s team losses x number of games on the trot. I’m under weekly pressure by the families who religiously watch to ensure we try to win games. Also, players themselves, especially once you get to under-14+, pressure the coach. The one rule that works for clubs is every single player must play at least half a game. Its non-negotiable for the coaches. It works. Yes, the coach is primarily responsible, but I don’t coach five nights a day to feel great about winning. Trust me. I do it to develop people. — Derek

“Both my girls never miss training, but seldom get a game with the under-16 Gaelic football team. Clubs and the GAA need to address inclusivity, especially to keep young girls and boys playing.” — Karl

Cruel treatment, mismanagement and making kids feel useless is the order of the day

“Our GAA club is all about winning. They constantly judge kids. The only good thing is my son is on team 4, and his two coaches are amazing — they give the lads lots of encouragement. GAA clubs need to realise it’s a hobby and some kids have different skills. All kids should be treated the same. The GAA need to look into how clubs are run, as a lot of them are one big clique.” — Mandy

“Kids are treated like that at all clubs I have seen. Only a handful of coaches give them fair game-time. Kids are pawns for the egos of men and women coaching. Children in our own club are leaving all the time, now we can’t get numbers for a team. The two ‘fat kids’ they didn’t play have stretched out now two years later, and are playing sports that are far from GAA. Cruel treatment, mismanagement and making kids feel useless is the order of the day. Even worse, leaving kids on the sideline with no game-time after training all year in the wet and cold, only to see children two years younger being brought along by another coach to play up and steal their chance of feeling useful ... That really makes them feel lower than low. You are so useless you can’t play a match or even part of a match and we will even get children younger than you to play because even they are better than you. You useless child.” — Declan

It is mainly middle-aged male mentors with their competitive drive damaging kids for life, all for the sake of some fleeting reflected glory for themselves

“It’s heartbreaking to see your teenage kid who has been going to matches and training religiously, having been part of the team since they were four years old, being left on the sideline for a full match, while the star players one or two years younger get to play. I understand the mentors want to win at all costs, but it’s so humiliating and damaging to young people’s confidence and self-esteem. It’s hugely crushing and shows no duty of care to the mental health of these kids, all so the team might get a win or move up a division. They have lost sight of the point of team sports and GAA ethos. It should be banned. The GAA needs to move on this because it’s not being managed at club level. It is mainly middle-aged male mentors with their competitive drive damaging kids for life, all for the sake of some fleeting reflected glory for themselves.” — Sarah

“I am a coach and a parent with children of varying ability. I disagree that the sub coming on may lead to your team losing the game, one can never tell. Our under-14 team this year had a girl with Down syndrome, who was an inspiration to the girls and coaches. She was respected by players from other teams. We all like to win but must learn to lose. The GAA is great place to develop a child when it is done half right.” — John

“The solution is to make games non-competitive up to under-14. Keep score if you want, but no league tables, no published results. I’ve coached GAA for a number of years and am fortunate to have a lot of players, which is great, but unfortunate in that we struggle to get volunteers to help out. Everyone plays as much as possible, even if it means we lose a game. The issue we have a lot is over competitive parents pushing their kids, coaches, etc. To win at all costs and there have been multiple examples where we as coaches have been abused and accosted by them.” — John

His reply was ‘I didn’t write that sh*te, I’m here to win’

“Both of my boys played in a club at the same time, though there are five years between them. They are both sporty and respectful and were totally committed to the teams they were on. They were constantly left on the sidelines while coaches played the same small pool of boys at every match, one of whom was the son of the coach. Both were losing confidence and internalising this rejection. We spoke with the coaches and explained this but nothing changed. After about two years, we withdrew them from the club. They are now 16 and 21 but they still mention it in negative terms.” — Bernadette

“My son, now 20, played with a local club up to the age of 17. When he was under-12, he was part of the club’s B team in a tournament. He was one of four subs who watched his team win their first two round-robin matches by a cricket score, without any subs being introduced. I watched in disgust and just before their final game, having already qualified, the exact same team was picked. I suggested he ask the coach for ‘a run’. He did, at half-time when his team were 20 points ahead, in a game that didn’t matter. The coach replied that he’d bring in subs ‘after they got a few more goals’. I confronted him after the match pointing out that the chairman’s address in the tournament programme stated clearly that the day was about inclusion and for the benefit of the children. His reply was ‘I didn’t write that sh*te, I’m here to win’. My son played in for a few more years but the club got the better of him in the end and it breaks my heart that he will never get the joy and fulfilment I got from sport and GAA for a large part of my life, where I played to a fairly high standard. Shameful stuff to be honest!” — Gerry

“Our two children are involved in a small GAA team. The coach is fantastic and gives fair time to all the players. Only recently in one of their bigger matches he subbed on the new members. They have some strong players who would play for most of the matches but they pass the ball and share the game. He reiterates to them all that the score doesn’t matter but to play and use the skills he teaches them.” — Ann

Read: ‘We nearly lost our boy due to men who needed the under-12 win to make them feel they were great’