Around 30 years ago it became unfashionable in the UK to refer to soccer as soccer. This was when the United States, preparing to host the 1994 World Cup, was discovering the sport – and around the time sociologists had coined the concept of the “Soccer Mom”.
With its weird big-brother/small-brother dynamic with the United States, the UK went into gatekeeper mode and soccer – as it was frequently referred to in the pages of Shoot! magazine, on Sky’s Soccer Saturday and by the Essex-based makers of the video game Sensible Soccer – became “football”. That way, the Americans, with their own “football”, would be reminded whose sport it was. How deliciously Brexit-y.
All these decades on it is safe to say the US is having its revenge. It is probable that the greatest player of the modern era – for clarity I’m referring to Lionel Messi rather than Cork City utility striker Dennis Behan – will see out his career at David Beckham’s Inter Miami. He will do so having cheerfully ignored through his entire playing lifetime the financially-doped kick-and-rush of the Premier League.
But the real payback by the United States against soccer is on the screen. With Ted Lasso on Apple TV and Welcome To Wrexham on Disney+, Hollywood has taken British soccer and given it the one thing it never needed: a cuddly makeover. And it has had huge success, too. Wrexham FC has run out of merchandise. Americans who wouldn’t know a wet Tuesday in Stoke if it crashed into their lawn are rushing to stock up on replica jerseys and bobble hats.
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Ted Lasso (Apple TV + from today) has meanwhile recast the Premier League – which Americans annoyingly pronounce without the hard “r” at the end of Premier – as a snugly sporting Disneyland. The premise is simple. A naive American college football coach (Jason Sudeikis aka the eponymous Ted), full of gosh-darn optimism, has been parachuted in as manager of the fictional soccer club AFC Richmond.
He’s hired by owner Rebecca Welton (Hannah Waddingham), who wants to sink it as revenge against her ex-husband. But – brace yourself for a shock – Ted’s clean-cut enthusiasm carries the day and Richmond thrive.
If you like feel-good comedy you’ll find it tolerable. If you’ve been to a soccer match you might find it unwatchable. For instance, as we begin series three and Ted sends his son on a plane back to the United States, the hot gossip is that Richmond are in trouble.
Everyone says they will finish “22nd” in the table. But who talks like that? In the real world they would be warning Ted that the club risks relegation. On Ted Lasso the “r” word never comes up – presumably because many Americans are unfamiliar with the concept.
A few subplots swirl around. Ted’s kit man turned assistant coach (Nick Mohammed) has been appointed manager of West Ham (owned by Welton’s slithery ex). Meanwhile to motivate his players Ted takes them on a trip to the London sewers.
They learn the invaluable life lesson that the network of pipes is interconnected – just like a smoothly-oiled Premier League team (I had a flashback to the old Bray Wanderers loos). Elsewhere, one of Ted’s coaching staff is named Roy Kent (Brett Goldstein) and is modelled on Roy Keane – though the resemblance in truth starts and ends with being named “Roy”.
Ted Lasso is equipped with a jaunty theme tune, which turns out to have been written by Marcus Mumford. In his day job fronting Mumford and Sons, Mumford takes folk music and turns it into something plastic and soulless. The same effect is achieved by Ted Lasso – a soccer show that you’ll only enjoy if you’ve never been near a real match in your life.
Ted Lasso Season 3 streams on Apple TV+ from today
