1. They don't listen. No matter what you ask for, you leave thinking "it'll be all right when I wash it myself".

2. They don't talk. "Are you going out tonight?" is the stock gambit. Answer "no" for complete silence.

3. Their tea/coffee. That's what it is. Indeterminate brown liquid.

4. Their mirrors. Where do they get them? They add at least a stone and double the wrinkles.

5. Their choice of music and magazines. If you're over 30, you haven't a hope of being diverted. At that age, they expect you to nod off and they'll call you "dear".

6. The way they hold the mirror up to the back of your head - they know you're just going to nod and say "grand, thanks very much".

7. The "is the water all right for you?" question. As soon as you've said it is, it turns to freezing or boiling.

8. The way they dress all in black and wear orthopaedicky shoes. Is there a secret, Masonic-like hairdressers' code?

9. The way they blame you for everything - that is, if you have the temerity to complain. Your hair's standing on end and turning green because of your irregular hairline/cow's lick/double crown/side parting etc.

10. They're invariably very young, very pretty and thin - very thin.