Fateful return of the Bride of Wildenstein

Residents of Manhattan's Upper East Side pride themselves on being more interesting than their West Side counterparts - interesting in the sensitive, artistic sense. Their apartments may be gilded, but their clothes are black. East Siders hate the idea of being interesting in the cheap, commercial sense. That would be . . . tacky.

But now the quiet, leafy streets of the Upper East Side have witnessed some notably tacky scenes, when skirmishes between 57year-old Alec Wildenstein and his estranged wife, Jocelyne (52), reached tabloid proportions.

"The Beast Took Away Limo & Castle, Sez She. Art Dealer Can't Go Home," the Daily News announced. Suddenly, Mr Wildenstein, whose art dealership virtually controls the international market in Old Masters and Impressionist works, earned the title "Quick-Draw Art Big" when he allegedly threatened Jocelyne with a 9mm handgun. The fact that Mr Wildenstein was wrapped only in a towel and a 19-year-old woman at the time delighted New York's downtown readers.

Then Jocelyne opened fire in a series of venomous statements that made the hated New York hotelier and wealthy tax-dodger, Leona Helmsley, sound like a saint and the nation prepared itself for a juicy divorce court battle.

This isn't Woody, Mia and a lot of psychiatrists discussing psychic wounds. This is good old-fashioned greed and revenge. New Yorkers have christened her the Bride of Wildenstein. This is a Wronged Woman with Medusa hair and collagen lips whose face has undergone more structural renovation than the Brooklyn Bridge.

The real action began on September 3rd when Jocelyne Wildenstein returned to New York from the 66,000-acre Wildenstein ranch in Kenya. She and her two bodyguards entered the Wildenstein townhouse on East 64th Street, where they were met and, according to Jocelyne, menaced by the Quick-Draw Art Big himself.

Alec later testified that "she set me up". In the heat of battle, however, his most memorable line was: "I'll see you are out on the streets." Police intervened and Mr Wildenstein quickly found himself in the NYPD's Central Booking facility. He was subsequently barred from the house that currently serves as Jocelyne's battle headquarters. Alec's front line has been re-established in a Manhattan hotel.

In staking her claim to a share of the $5 billion dollar Wildenstein fortune, Jocelyne made it clear that she is not an "out on the streets" kind of person. She boasted of not being able to make toast, let alone a living. And that is when real tackiness broke through the Upper East Side veneer. A 9mm handgun, after all, is one thing. Even a recumbent 19year-old is one thing. But spilling the beans on your lifestyle is another - decidedly tacky - thing. And Jocelyne has spilled impressive beans.

She, her husband and their two teenage children had a monthly household budget of $1 million, including a $5,000 monthly flower bill for their Manhattan house. Their household staff in New York includes three butlers, four maids, two chefs, a private secretary and an accountant. Along with millions of dollars of artwork, their East Side house features a basement swimming pool and saltwater aquarium. Jocelyne's jewellery collection is valued at $10 million and she boasts of having paid $350,000 for one Chanel outfit.

Then there's the family jet, the castle near Paris, the Kenyan ranch and Alec's earnings, which he estimates at $100,000 a year. Jocelyne, on the other hand, insists he has made $27 million since 1985.

"Her claims are absurd," Alec's attorney, Raoul Felder, said recently. "Their lifestyle was subsidised by the father, and she knows it." For good measure, Jocelyne is also suing her father-in-law, 80-year-old Daniel Wildenstein, for allegedly conspiring to hide his son's assets .

"I cannot adequately describe the agony of these terror tactics," Jocelyne declared in an affidavit, referring to Alec's attempts to force her to drop her claim. These tactics include taking away her chauffeur-driven limousines, denying her use of the family aircraft, barring her from the African and French residences and ordering the chefs to stop feeding her. In Jocelyne's world this qualifies as "harsh treatment". She also alleged that Alec has "besieged me with threats . . . which are held over me like water torture".

But Mr Felder paints Jocelyne as a deranged woman who may have seen the film, Fatal Attraction, once too often. Imagine ". . . an hysterical individual standing there with a pair of scissors" threatening to destroy $10 millions of art and you have Alec's version of the September 3rd confrontation. Jocelyne's response is that she has never mutilated and would never mutilate an Old Master. An old husband - well, that's another matter."

New Yorkers agree on one thing when discussing the Wildenstein case. Jocelyne is "biddah" (bitter) but she ain't no "mawdah" (martyr.)

That's a great relief. With nobody to feel sorry for, the rest of Manhattan and the nation can simply enjoy the spectacle of the Upper East Side briefly tearing itself apart.