Roy Keane: the lost film reviews

Step aside Barry Norman, here’s the real lowdown on some of the great flicks in history

Roy Keane’s lost film reviews -  E.T: People say he is cute and adorable, all this . . . but where’s his loyalty? Hides in your wardrobe and breaks your kids hearts and then f**ks off back to whatever planet he came from? No, a big disappointment for me, that little fella. Only out for himself. Worst behaviour I’ve seen since Veron.

Roy Keane’s lost film reviews - E.T: People say he is cute and adorable, all this . . . but where’s his loyalty? Hides in your wardrobe and breaks your kids hearts and then f**ks off back to whatever planet he came from? No, a big disappointment for me, that little fella. Only out for himself. Worst behaviour I’ve seen since Veron.

 

What is the last film you saw, Roy?
Roy Keane: Gone Girl. Rubbish. Absolute rubbish. I went with a couple of lads from the Irish team but if I was on my own, I honestly would’ve walked out.
Interview with Shortlist magazine this week.

The Exorcist: There’s nothing wrong with a bit of anger. Get it out there. People go on about that scene . . . but we’ve all been guilty of losing the head on occasion. You should have seen Cloughie in the dressing room before a Nottingham derby.

E.T: The Extra Terrestrial: People say he is cute and adorable, all this . . . but where’s his loyalty? Hides in your wardrobe and breaks your kids hearts and then f**ks off back to whatever planet he came from? No, a big disappointment for me, that little fella. Only out for himself. Worst behaviour I’ve seen since Veron.

Deliverance: They got what was coming to them. Barging in like that, shouting the odds, making out they are nice guys. People say Burt Reynolds is a hard man. He wasn’t so hard after that. And he didn’t even say thanks for the peas! Have some manners. The banjo player wasn’t bad though, to be fair.

Jaws: I think Chief Brody has to hold his hands up. Failed to prepare. Didn’t stand up for himself. Didn’t get a bigger boat. People give out about the fish but the fish is only doing its job. I felt sorry for the fish.

The Sixth Sense: “I see dead people all the time” . . . that’s how I felt every Saturday in Old Trafford when I looked up into the Busby Stand. Not a peep out of ’em.

The Shining: It can happen. The self-destruct button is there. When you’re injured, when you’re out of the game . . . it’s a lonely place. We all have our demons.

The Departed: Went to see it with the lads before a Champions League game. Every time Jack Nicholson’s phone went off, Roons and Ronaldo would be checkin’ their pockets to see who was calling them. I lost it after the third time it’s gone off.

Toy Story: Can’t fault it. Took Giggsy and Scholesy to see it before a Birmingham match one weekend and it was a good laugh. I think the lads struggled a bit with the plot. And don’t get me started on trying to explain Groundhog Day to them.

Scrooge: Paul Parker wanted to go see it. I asked him what it was about. He says it’s about this miser who thinks about nothing but money. I thought: who wants to watch a film about Jack Charlton?

Dirty Dancing: He was a good lad, Patrick Swayze. Not my cup of tea, this, to be honest. Nobody puts Baby in the corner. What’s that about? The lads stuck it on before the FA Cup final in 1995. Becks was a mess by end of it. The Gaffer thought he was going to have to drop him.

Heat: Ever since my Rockmount United days, I lay in bed wondering who was tougher: De Niro or Pacino. And then they give us this? They wouldn’t last an hour in Mayfield, those two.

On the Waterfront: He didn’t want it badly enough. Coulda been a contender, coulda been someone . . . I’ve heard all that before – excuses, blaming other people. Talent only takes you so far.

Saving Private Ryan: All that for Matt Damon? I’m not sure. It’s honourable but at the end of the day, what does it achieve? It’d be a bit like saving Darren Anderton. To be fair, it is Roons’s all-time favourite film. But then his third favourite film is Sister Act. Two.

Titanic: Ridiculous, steaming in like that. There’s only going to be one outcome.

Raging Bull: De Niro this and De Niro that. A great actor? I dunno. Maybe. To be honest, I’d say Eric has an edge on him.

The Wizard of Oz: Always loved it. The cowardly lion, the tin man with no heart – you’ve got those in every dressingroom. I just hope Clive Clarke’s seen it. It’s

A Wonderful Life:
Every Christmas . . . Jimmy Stewart mopin’ around and feelin’ sorry for himself. Get on with it! Have a go! It’s like being stuck on the bus beside Gary Neville on an away trip to Swansea.

Castaway: What does Tom Hanks know about it? Don’t talk to me about being stranded on a desert island. At least he had a bloody football to play with. Don’t talk to me about being abandoned. At least he got a bit of peace. He had nobody accusing him of faking an injury.

The Usual Suspects: You could see he was faking that injury. He talks too much, that lad. Again, Gary Neville comes to mind.

My Left Foot: Terrible penalty technique from Day-Lewis – it was like watching Steve Bruce take one at training. And don’t get me started on the goalkeeper. It’s just a wonder I didn’t sign the pair of ’em for Ipswich.

Avatar: There’s no characters in the game anymore.

Citizen Kane: People ask who’s the best director of all time? I would say Orson Welles, without a doubt. A story about a self-made man who builds an empire from nothing but pushes everyone away in the end. Knows nothing about loyalty. Rings a few bells, that.

Twelve Angry Men: Ferguson has said it’s his favourite film. A film about fairness and honesty and giving someone the benefit of the doubt? What would that man know about any of that?

The Godfather: Part Two: “I don’t feel I have to wipe everyone out. Tom. Just my enemies.” You can’t fault that. That says it all, at the end of the day.

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