PlanetFootball

compiled by Mary Hannigan

Away from home

The list of English-born players declaring an interest in playing for Brian Kerr is lengthening by the week, although some still seem to be keeping their options open - Shrewsbury striker Luke Rodgers (the proud possessor of an Irish grandmother), for example, recently turned out for the England non-League team and at the rate Sven-Goran Eriksson was losing strikers last week he was probably close enough to a senior call-up (until they found out he has a conviction for throwing a firework in the face of a 16-year-old girl).

Swansea City's Liverpool-born forward Lee Trundle (Irish grandfather) has already issued a heartfelt "come and get me" plea to Kerr, although he should probably hire a PR guru to advise him against coming out with stuff like: "A League of Ireland player was called into the squad for a friendly recently so there's definitely hope for me."

Stoke City centre-half Wayne Thomas, we've learnt, also has an Irish grandfather, while Watford midfielder Gavin Mahon insists that although his Ma was born in Germany she's very definitely Irish, and therefore so is he.

Then there are the two Scott Fitzgeralds.

Scott I (pictured below) plays for Colchester and has won Republic of Ireland under-21 and B caps, but at 34 is a bit unlikely to add senior caps to his collection. Scott II, 24 tomorrow, might just have a chance, though. The Watford striker, who scored his seventh goal of the season on Saturday, was playing non-League football with Northwood last season when he caught the eye of Chelsea, who gave him a trial.

That didn't work out, but Watford signed him up - his mother was born in Galway, so watch this space.

Scott III? To avoid being confused with the Colchester and Watford Scotts, this fella put an "F" before his name and went on to have moderate success scribbling yarns such as The Great Gatsby and Tender Is the Night. Kerr has, though, shown no interest in Scott III, largely because he's one-footed and died 63 years ago.

Hamilton's Italian job

George Hamilton was so impressed by the constant chanting and singing from Shelbourne supporters during Friday's televised game against Bohemians that he compared them with Italian fans and the atmosphere they usually create at games. When the camera focused on the Shels fan leading the singing George, noting his olive skin, concluded that "he has to be from Rome".

After the game, when George emerged from his commentary box, he was greeted by a group of Shels supporters who introduced him to the chant leader. "This is the lad you thought was Italian," they said, "he's from Marino." Unfazed, George replied: "Si! Marino!" Hats off. (Thanks Fintan).

Quotes of

the week

"We've had everyone (applying for the Spurs manager's job) - managers, agents, mothers, fathers, dustmen, cleaners. To be fair, none of the above would probably do much worse than Glenn Hoddle."

- David Pleat, as quoted by the Sydney Sun Herald. Give that man a saucer of milk.

"Dick Advocaat, Johan Cruyff, Ruud Gullit, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Queen Beatrice, Vincent Van Gogh . . . your boys took a Holl of a beating."

- The Scottish Sunday Mail's take on events at Hampden Park on Saturday.

"We've got one or two things in mind. We've spoken to one or two managers, and we're in the process of speaking to one or two people. We would like to have one or two players in by the weekend."

- Brighton manager Mark McGhee, whose team lost at home to Bristol City on Saturday, not by one or two either (1-4).

"If you ask me to name any current Scotland player, I couldn't do it - I honestly don't have a clue who is in their squad."

- Holland's Michael Reiziger before Saturday's game, after which he'd very definitely heard of James McFadden.

"If I carry on talking about that match for an hour, I get angry purely because of this irritation - I have to stop it."

- Former French legend Alain Giresse, trying but failing to put the past behind him - the match he's referring to is the World Cup semi-final defeat by Germany . . . 21 years ago.

"Footballers are like wine. You get good years and less good ones. You can help with technical work and logistical support, but you cannot change the fundamentals."

- Rudi Voeller admitting that the current German team is a bottle of undrinkable plonk.

No longer just a man's game . . .

You have, we're certain, heard of the commotion created by Albion Rovers manager Peter Hetherston's comments about a female assistant referee, Morag Pirie ("I knew it wasn't going to be our day when I arrived at Links Park and found that we had a women running the line. She should be at home making the tea or the dinner for her man who comes in after he has been to the football. This is a professional man's game. I believe that she shouldn't be here").

With Hetherston facing a disrepute charge for the comments Rovers tried to calm the situation by insisting he was only joking, at which point Hetherston told BBC Scotland that "the only bit I was joking about was the cooking".

The Daily Record's Tam Cowan dismissed Hetherston's remarks as "just the same old guff from a football manager on the back of a crap result - doesn't really matter if it's a man or a woman, simply blame it all on the match officials" and insisted women had every right to be involved in the game.

His only concerns? "I just think it presents them with too many problems. For a start, most matches kick off at 3.0, which means the girlies have to arrive at the ground no later than 8.30 a.m. in order to give themselves plenty of time to park the car. Then they've got all that emotional distress when they emerge from the tunnel and discover their two pals are wearing exactly the same outfit." Em, thanks Tam.

. . . on second thoughts

Morag Pirie (see above) isn't the only female official getting dog's abuse from footballing lads these days.

Mind you, Silvia Regina de Oliveira, recently voted second best referee in the Brazilian championship, doesn't exactly set out to make friends - she showed eight yellow cards on her refereeing debut and recently sent off three Criciuma players, two for time-wasting, in a game against Atletico Mineiro. At the end she and her two female assistants had to be given a police escort from the pitch.

Next to cross de Oliveira was Sao Paulo striker Luis Fabiano who believed she over-reacted when she sent him off in a game last month against Corinthians - all he'd done, after all, was head-butt Corinthians striker Marquinhos.

Fabiano was consequently given a four-match ban for "practicing physical aggression against another player and verbal aggression against referee Silvia Regina de Oliveira".

The "verbal aggression" consisted of Fabiano calling de Oliveira "stupid" and departing the pitch shouting "it had to be a woman". Which, we'd guess, is the Portuguese for "that's wimin for ya".

Thin blue line is crossed

Chef Graeme Allan, an employee of a catering company that provides match-day nosh for Dundee, was recently given the task of preparing sandwiches for the police on duty at Dundee's game against Hibs.

Allan labelled their pre-match snacks "Pre-Pigs" and their after-game nibbles "Post Pigs", so they'd know which was their grub. Full-time result? Allan is looking for a new job.