No light at the end of the Channel Tunnel

And it would have been so cheap to get there, too. Ferry to Holyhead, train to London, a quick trip under the sea via the Channel Tunnel and voila, Paris! World Cup '98. Ole, Ole, Allez, Allez and all that. Now? Well, stranger sporting things have happened. Andy Cole has scored four goals in his last two games. So, is there a glimmer of hope that we might just beat Belgium in Brussels? Bill O'Herlihy thinks not, and he told us why on Wednesday night. "We don't have the forwards, we have an ageing midfield and we have two ridiculous centre backs." (Bill thinks there are some weaknesses in the team). Bill wasn't the only RTE man to have lost faith in the Irish team last week. Even before the match, one of his colleagues, on Tuesday's Six O'Clock News, was displaying a lack of confidence in Mick McCarthy's managerial know-how. "Has Mick been saying anything about conceding goals," he asked a puzzled Shay Given. "Has he been telling you guys . . . `Don't let any in'." "Well, obviously he would like us not to concede any goals," Shay reassured the reporter. But the reporter's worst fears were realised the following night. If those entrepreneurs who have their garages stuffed with France '98 Tshirts were looking for someone to raise their spirits after the 1-1 defeat, there was no point looking to Bill. There was a time when he would at least make an effort to cheer us all up after a disheartening performance by Ireland. But, it seems, ever since yer man (who used to sit to Johnny Giles' left in the studio) headed for pastures new, he's decided to dispense with this positive thinking lark.

"We didn't create one chance from play and that really is disturbing," complained Eoin Hand. "But look," moaned Bill, "that shouldn't come as a great surprise. Isn't the reality that we had the easiest draw in the World Cup and the first time we came up against a decent team we were exposed as a poor team? Isn't that the bottom line?"

Back at Lansdowne, Mick McCarthy was telling Ger Canning that he didn't want to be surrounded by "negative people". God help us all if he bumps in to Bill before Saturday week. The "France 98" logo, displayed on the wall of the studio, was in grave danger of having the words "in our dreams" scribbled beside it by Bill, such was his mood.

Niall Quinn had a go at persuading our gloomy host that there was light at the end of the Channel Tunnel. "We'll get more space in Brussels," he promised. "Why should we get any more space there than we got tonight?" "Well, when you're away from home you do get a little bit more space," Niall insisted. But, by now, Bill wasn't convinced that our forwards would know what to do with space even if they found some. "I think we actually had a chance of nicking it in the end," added Niall, chirpily. "I think you were looking at a different game to us, Niall," sighed Johnny. Bill sighed too.

"The second leg in Brussels, by the way, can be seen live on RTE on November 15th - that's the same day that Ireland play New Zealand in rugby, which we'll also see live," he told us. New Zealand in rugby? On the same day? Bill smiled nervously. "Jesus, November 15th could be a long day," he probably said to himself. Saturday was a long day for David Beckham. He played 90 minutes of football for Manchester United in the afternoon, then had to sit through a much longer 90 minutes on the ITV Champions of Sport Awards.

The awards were held in London, in front of an audience of famous people and David Essex, Uri Geller and two actors from The Bill (why they were there no one explained). Beckham sat in a studio in Manchester for the entire show, presumably under the impression that he was going to win something. Why else would the awards' organisers have asked him along?

First up, the Best Young British Sportsperson of the Year award - Beckham was one of the nominees. "And the winner is . . . Paul Palmer." (A swimmer, apparently). The camera flashed on David and he looked gutted.

Next. Best Coach or Manager. Ah, he was there to collect an award for Alex Ferguson? No. Fergie wasn't even nominated. The camera flashed on David and he looked even iller than your average parrot. Next. Best Team of the Year - Manchester United were among the nominees. Alan (the policeman) and Fiona (the hairdresser) from Coro- nation Street came on stage to announce the winners. Coronation Street? Based in Manchester. A little hint? "And the winners are . . . the British Lions." The camera flashed on David and his bottom lip appeared to be quivering.

Next. The Lifetime Achievement award. Surely not, he's only 21. Next. Best International Sports person. International Sportsperson? Hardly. Next . . . the final award of the evening . . . and Beckham was still sitting in the Manchester studio. The 1997 ITV Barclay Card Champion of British Sport award. The biggie. Worth the wait. "And the winner is . . . Greg Rusedski."

The camera didn't flash on David because he had probably vacated his chair to find the person responsible for sitting him in it for the previous 90 minutes - and making him look a right eejit in front of the nation.

Meanwhile, Greg walked up on the stage to collect his award from the Minister for Sport, Tony Banks. But, em, there was no award - the Minister appeared to have left it backstage. "Let's just see a few seconds of Greg in action," said an embarrassed Dermot Murnaghan, one of the show's presenters. And a few seconds was all we got, but then a few seconds is longer than the average length of a Rusedski serve-volley-rally.