Fred Funk's Holidays, Part II

Fred ambled on through the market and spotted a stall with a sign, TOM'S Cabin. He soon discovered that Tom was a KLAS act, a guy with an incredible history. After a few years selling goods on the BLACK MARket, he went legit, first working as a VIJAY, playing music videos on MTV, then as a BAKER for the WALDORF Astoria hotel in New York. After that he spent time in Texas working on a huge cattle ranch called MOULAND, then he became a showband singer (he used to DU VAL Doonican covers), before getting a small part as an actor in the Full MONTY. Then he decided to become a bit of a daredevil, but one time, when he was doing his "walking on hot COLES" trick, he fell and had to spend a week in HOSPITAL with severe BURNS - his wife nearly had TRIPLETTs when she heard the news and insisted he retire from dare-devilling, so he did and bought himself a stall.

He sold everything from KITEs to LOVEly red ROSEs, WOOD carvings to jeans. Fred asked Tom if he sold any other BRANDs apart from LEE and LEVIs. "Oh yes, I stock the FORS BRAND, you know, made by that FORS MAN - they're JUST IN the store." "Is that Fr Fors, the priest," asked Fred. "No, he's a LEHMAN, lives in SANTIAGO. Bit of a LUNAtic by all accounts, but a fine jeans' manufacturer."

Tom, who incidentally had a bit of a lisp, noticed Fred's indecision over whether he should buy a pair. "Let me see if I can TWAY your decision," he said. "Do you mean sway," asked Fred. "That's what I said - tway," Tom retorted angrily. Fred decided to forget the jeans and moved on.

Next he spotted an ad for a boat trip down the RIVER Overlooked by the famous TUNNI CLIFF. He hired a guide who introduced himself as SILVIO GRAPPASONI. Silvio told him it was very similar to the JORDAN river, in that it went on for MILES. He told him how he used to be a bit of a HUNTER around the WOODS on the banks ("The east wood," asked Fred? "No, the WEST WOOD, where the WESTNERs live," said Silvio), and while keeping an eye out for stray deer he'd listen to his heavy metal tapes - he was a bit of a ROCCA. Fred grabbed an ORR and helped Silvio to ROE the boat down the LONG river. Suddenly, Fred spotted some man-eating EALES circling the boat. Nervously, he wiped his brow with his HENKE. Silvio, noticing Fred's wariness of the creatures below, said mockingly, in a thick English accent, "moybe oid bevver make you walk VERPLANK". Fred began to get that CINKing feeling about the trip.

Just as his enthusiasm was beginning to WAYNE, all his troubles were forgotten when he looked up at the wonders of the nature around him, the mountain tops glistening with FROST and the sun-spattered GREEN FIELD to his left where Silvio spotted a rare FUZZY HOWLEY SPRINGER TIGER. Fred watched as it DOUG a hole for itself in the ground. "He HAAS to do that to hide his food so that the other creatures don't steal it," explained Silvio. "You can REID all about it back at the shop." "You know, I think I will," said Fred contentedly. "I think I will."