Come on you Boys on Screen

Mary Hannigan looks at the increasing number of ex-Irish internationals who have taken to soccer punditry.

Once upon a time footballers faced two options when they retired - they could either become managers or they could open pubs. These days, it seems, most of them earn their post-playing-career keep by talking about the game, whether it be to newspapers, Sky Sports, RTÉ, ITV, TV3, BBC, internet websites . . . the media options are very nearly as broad as the FAI's alleged short-list for the post of Republic of Ireland manager.

Take a look, though, at this list of former (or almost former) players, all of whom express the occasional opinion or two on "The Game" for one media outlet or the other: Mark Lawrenson, Andy Townsend, Niall Quinn, John Aldridge, Ray Houghton, Jim Beglin, Frank Stapleton, David O'Leary, Ronnie Whelan, Packie Bonner, John Giles, Liam Brady, Kevin Moran, Tony Cascarino, Eamon Dunphy, Denis Irwin, Mick McCarthy, Mick Martin, John Anderson, Joe Kinnear, Bernie Slaven, Paul McGrath, Steve Staunton, Michael Robinson. Need we go on?

What have they in common? Yes, most have been red hot favourites with the bookies, at one time or another, to succeed Mick McCarthy as Irish manager (apart, that is, from Mick McCarthy - and Eamon Dunphy), but, other than that, all have green-ish blood flowing through their veins. (At this point we should bow to veteran pundit Alan Mullery who once famously declared that "Roy Evans bleeds red blood").

The "gift of the gab" theory is, frankly, irresistible. Isn't it, Mark Lawrenson?

"Hmm, not sure about that, but the names you've just reeled off, well, they were all quite personable and approachable players, generally, and were all extremely sociable animals - whether that had something to do with it, I'm not sure. But, apart from that, I honestly don't know what the reason is for all these ex-Irish internationals moving in to the media."

John Aldridge, your theory?

"Well, I suppose you've got to have the gift of the gab - you can't go on the television and be dour, you've got to be a little bit light-hearted, but you've got to hit the right notes and the right points.

"People like to have a little smile as well - you can't be too intense. Maybe, in that respect, being Irish helps."

But when you looked around the Irish dressing room did you think most of your team-mates would end up making their living from talking about the game?

"I never really gave it a thought back then, but it doesn't surprise me - the likes of Ray (Houghton) and Andy (Townsend) are very knowledgeable on the game, Mick (McCarthy) as well. We had great banter in those days, great fun, great characters in that team - and it's characters who get on the television."

Andy Townsend, explain the colonisation of English football punditry by your former Ireland team-mates.

"It's an interesting one, why so many of us should have ended up down that road - the honest truth is I really don't know why. It's amazing how many of us have gone in to the media. "Big Niall" is the latest addition to the Sky roster - and he's very good, always has a point to make and he's an eloquent guy, he'll do very, very well."

Mr Sky Sports, who asked to remain nameless - is your punditry policy "only Irish need apply"?

"No, we're not particularly interested in where they come from, it just so happens that a lot of Irish ex-pros are particularly eloquent and articulate.

"Niall, David (O'Leary) and Ray are on contract with us, and either ourselves or Sky News use Stapleton, Aldridge and Whelan quite a lot too.

"Niall was certainly something of a capture for us, it was big news when we signed him. He's a very intelligent guy, as you can see by the non-cliché nature of his commentary and the quality of his book. You always strive to find someone, preferably with the experience Niall had on the domestic and international football stage, who will tell the viewers something they don't know.

"David's on contract with us too. Right from his first game, which was Arsenal v Birmingham, he wasn't afraid to put his view across. And Houghton's brilliant as well, he's not afraid to say what he thinks."

"It's not rocket science, though, is it?" says Lawrenson. "Quinn is one of those you always thought would be good any way - extremely articulate. There are many who do it, some do it well, some indifferently, but if you're articulate even better because they all think we (footballers) are dumb . . . which wouldn't be too far from the truth. But there are some of us who got our O Levels, believe it or not. Some people think we're all sent on courses, but that's not the case. They just decide that you can or cannot do it. The only advice I ever got was from Niall Sloan (Match of the Day producer) - he just said 'don't forget, when you're on the telly doing commentary, less is more' - that was about it."

"Me and (Alan) Hansen occasionally speak about it," says Lawrenson. "I think we stumbled into it because with winning the league and the European Cup, basically we dealt with the press every day and people had a pre-conceived idea about us - let's talk to those two because (a) they can talk and (b) they'll talk to us. And he, like me, stumbled into it - it wasn't something either of us planned, it just sort of happened."

"I remember when I went to play in Spain, after training you'd have 15, 20 reporters wanting to talk to you, and that was just after training," says Aldridge, "on match days it was ridiculous. So it helped me, personally, learn how to handle the media. It just became a way of life."

Andy Townsend's mentor, on ITV's Premiership programme, has been Des Lynam. "He's brilliant, absolutely brilliant. He's been very good to me, very helpful. From day one Des said to me 'nobody wants to hear people umming and aahing, what they want to hear is 'did he elbow him in the face', 'was it offside'. Des always says to me: 'You'll never pull the wool over the eyes of the punter at home, if you're sitting there fudging it a little bit they'll smell it a mile off.

"Yeah, we got a lot of criticism in the early days, especially with that 'Tactics Truck' business, but as a player I'd often been criticised so I think it was all a bit easier for me to handle than some of the other guys in London who were taking it a wee bit personally.

'BASICALLY, when we took the show over from Match of the Day it wouldn't have been right to just go ahead and do the same format - people would have said 'this is just the same old thing, it's just on the other side'.

"But basically, on a Saturday night people just want to watch the football, the hardcore millions who watch don't tune in to listen to me, or to watch Des Lynam, they want to watch the goals. If we can throw a spanner in the works by saying something that raises a few eyebrows at home then fine, then maybe we can hook in a few more of the public.

"We've now gone back to a very tried and trusted formula now. And, of course, we have Big Ron (Atkinson), he's come out from behind the commentary side of it on Saturday nights - he's a vastly experienced manager, he pulls no punches and always says what he feels."

And you don't have to call him "Boss" any more?

"I don't! But it was a bit strange at first, it was a bit like calling your Dad by his first name. I wasn't really sure how to phrase it, so I tend to call him "Big Man", I get away with that."

Okay, punditry is fine - but surely these boys would leap at the chance of returning to football through the management route. Wouldn't they? Liverpool come to you tomorrow and say: "We've given Houllier his chance, now we want you to take over." Would most pundits say: "No thanks, life's too short"?

"No, 99 per cent of footballers would take it," says Lawrenson.

"It would certainly make me think twice - I love doing the media stuff but because it would be Liverpool (and trust me, it's not going to happen) . . . aah, they're still a massive, massive club and it would be a massive job.

"Hansen was offered it - if he'd made the right noises and made it known he'd wanted it I think he could have had it, but obviously he saw the light. And anyway, as far as I can remember, there was no golf course at Melwood (Liverpool's training ground)."

Townsend? Chelsea offer you the manager's job tomorrow, with £50 million to spend on players. He laughs. Has a think. And says: "I would never say never." Watch your back, Claudio Ranieri.

"Football's in my blood, but I'm very comfortable with doing what I'm doing now. I think as each year goes by a small fragment of you becomes more and more detached from the dressing room and from what goes on in there, but football's all I know and if, in years to come, I was no longer doing what I'm doing and the right offer was put to me, I would probably have a crack at it. But right now I'm enjoying what I'm doing, working for ITV."

Ah, but this punditry lark can never replace playing the game, surely?

"Do you know what," says Townsend, "I don't miss playing - at all. I honestly believe I had nothing left in my tank to give - I miss the lads, I miss the dressing room, but I'm standing here today doing a bit of work in my garden, it's a beautiful sunny day and I'm thinking, 'this is just fine'.

"Yes, sometimes I think, at 39, perhaps I should still be in at the sharp end of it, involved somewhere, but I've always been philosophical about it - I had my day, enjoyed my day, enjoyed my time, I don't envy the money the guys earn now, I wouldn't ever want to turn the clock back."

"I consider I had a decent career, which I enjoyed enormously, highs and lows, but it was a rounded career - came in at the bottom and went out pretty much at the top, that's the way I look upon it. I know lots of players would love to go back, really miss it, but I don't - I loved it while I was doing it, but I just have a lot of great memories now."

Aldridge, though, didn't find surrendering the boots so easy. "Nothing ever takes the place of playing football - management, coaching, media work, nothing. Playing football is always the best place to be, putting your boots on and enjoying it, taking your frustration out on other players, all that."

And scoring a goal or two?

"Ooh yeah, better than sex," he says.

But, as occasional pundit Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink once put it: "You can never say a goal is better than sex - all the guys that say that are not having proper sex". Indeed.

What beats all, though, even scoring goals, is being recognised by a pensioner on a flight to Heathrow.

"After I shaved off my moustache," says Lawrenson, "I was on a flight down to London from Manchester - this old couple were sat next to me, they never said a word. When we were getting off the lady - she must have been about 75 - grabbed my arm and said 'I must say, I much prefer you without the moustache', and then she walked away. 'Blimey', I thought, 'you forget just how far television reaches'.