Auf Wiedersehen Europe

"THAT'S a real blow for Manchester United," exclaimed ITV's Brian "Mooro" Moore when that horrible little red head, Lars Ricken, scored a horrible little deflected runt of a goal for Borussia Dortmund in the eighth minute last night.

A real blow? Like it was a real for Pompeii when eight million tonnes of lava dribbled all over it.

Like it was a reak blow for the passengers of the Titanic when their ship brushed against an iceberg?

Sometimes words are never enough, but "a real blow" was so insufficient a description for the, calamity that befell Glory Glory Man United in that eighth minute that Mooro should hang up his microphone now.

After taking the lead, Dortmund, in their stupid luminous yellow and black kit with stripey socks, sat back and filed their nails while Pallister and Cantona missed open goals, Cole volleyed fresh air, Beck ham shot at the floodlights and Butt tackled grass.

Meanwhile, Gary Neville persisted in passing to the man sitting in seat 199, row 15, tier three of the North Stand and he was never in a position to score.

Halftime. Network Two. Juventus showing off in Turin. But are they truly happy? Eric Cantona? "He never fails to rise to the little occasion, says Eamon Dunphy of Dieu, who must have left his halo in the dressing room. Forty five minutes to score three against the champions of Germany. It can be done, promises Dunphy. "It's not over yet by a long way," says Mooro.

Wave after wave after wave of redshirted attacks, wave after wave after wave of luminous yellowshirted goal kicks; 57 per cent of the possession, 57 chances, 57 misses.

The Dortmund fans hum Jingle Bells. "Oh what fun it is to see United fade away," adds a Leeds fan, sitting far too close for his own safety in my living-room. "Sing your hearts out for the lads," the United fans in Old Trafford res pond. Janie, very hard to make a broken heart sing.

Ring, ring. "Hallo is that the Munich Hilton?"

"Remember I booked your presidential suite for the European Cup final in May?"

"Ja".

"Could I cancel it bitte?"

"Auf Wiedersehen."

Auf Wiedersehen Europe ... till next season.