Miriam Lord: Flinty Dáil heavyweights crumble before boss baby Collins

The Ceann Comhairle was on the ball on Wednesday night when he realised that the soft gurgling noise in the chamber was not coming from a slumbering TD (as is usually the case) but from a little baby contently snoozing up behind the government benches.

“I heard the unmistakable sound of a baby, looked up, saw the pushchair and realised then it was Violet-Anne Wynne’s new baby” said Seán Ó’Fearghail, who immediately asked usher Stephen Hughes to nip across and find out the new arrival’s name. He then hushed the House — the chamber was packed for the weekly bloc-voting session — and informed TDs: “We are seeing a bit of history being made tonight” as he welcomed the independent TD for Clare back to the Dáil.

Then, to laughter and applause from the benches, Ó'Fearghail explained the reason why with a terrific one-liner: “Baby Collins is the first ACTUAL baby to join us here in the House.”

It had to be said.

Knife by Salman Rushdie review: living to tell the tale of being saved by love

---

Tactical breakdown: How Mickey Harte’s side have evolved into Derry 2.0

---

Bond villain’s west of Ireland retreat for €285,000

---

Have your say: Are you consuming less alcohol in pubs and more at home?

---

Meanwhile, usher Tara Humpston kept an eye on the impeccably behaved Collins while her mother went down to vote. She barely stirred when the Ceann Comhairle walloped the bell, although that wouldn’t have been a first in the chamber.

However, several onlookers reported that the seven-month-old baby let out “an unmerciful yelp” when she opened her eyes only to see the big heads of deputies Aodhán Ó Ríordáin and Marc McSharry cooing down at her in the buggy. People have been scarred for life for less, although Collins quickly settled and showed no ill-effects.

Wynne then brought her down to sit on her lap in the chamber and she looked around, taking everything in, before mistaking the stick microphone for a dummy and clamping her gums around it. This was another first — Dáil microphones don’t normally have a pacifying effect on the users.

While it was lovely to see Collins make her Dáil debut and her mother making history as the first TD to bring their baby into the chamber during a sitting, this milestone took a long time to happen. The Ceann Comhairle, who has long championed the cause of making the Oireachtas a far more family-friendly workplace, tells us that the Dáil reform committee decided back in 2016 to allow a parent bring their baby into the chamber and feed the baby there if they wish.

Ó Fearghaíl was very impressed by baby Collins’s exemplary behaviour in the chamber and he lives in hope that some of his more mature (in years) charges might follow her example and start behaving themselves in the future.

+++

The Ploughing was heaving with politicians hellbent on schmoozing the farming community while furiously waving their rural credentials — suspiciously threadbare though they were in some cases.

This year, Fine Gael Senator for yachting and fine dining in Kingstown Barry Ward was the runaway winner of the always highly anticipated Best Dressed Fish Out of Water competition. He blew everyone else out of the water with his horny-handed son of South County Dublin performance when moderating a discussion in the FG tent on the state of farming in Ireland today.

Barry was so pleased with himself for fitting in with the rest of the rural hayseeds he tweeted a picture of his “work boots” which he had just “hosed off” although it was gleamingly obvious they were brand new. Some of his rural-based colleagues were highly amused by barrister Barry’s carefully curated rig-out. He wore a pristine field-sports check shirt and country squire trousers with his freshly unboxed rigger boots. For health and safety reasons, these come with steel toe caps in the event of accidents like a champagne bottle falling out of the picnic hamper or a person from the midlands coming too close.

“He looks like yer man out of the Wind in the Willas,” sniggered one of Senator Ward’s colleagues. “Toad of Toad Hall.”

Don’t mind them, Barry.

Meanwhile, Leo Varadkar addressed a large crowd of the FG faithful steaming in the party’s tent, telling them what they wanted to hear about matters to do with tax and how Fine Gael will always see the farmers right. And they cheered and clapped him to the removable rafters when he promised them there will be no tinkering with inheritance tax.

The Táanaiste had to get back to Dublin for the weekly Parliamentary Party meeting in Leinster House, which was closely monitored in real-time by the political correspondents lurking in shady corners, milking their sources every bit as well as the diary farmers at the Ploughing.

Our own Jack Horgan-Jones, whose terrier-like qualities are ideal for this specialist task, was on the case for The Irish Times and fully plugged into the action in the party rooms. As proceedings finished up, Jack, who is most assiduous in his attention to detail and accuracy, rang to have a word on the q.t. with one of the TDs he heard had been complaining about Minister for Education Norma Foley’s handling of the school transport omnibus shambles.

His call was taken immediately. “Hi, Jack!”

It was party leader Leo Varadkar.

It seems the intended recipient had left his phone on the table in front of the Tánaiste, who copped the reporter’s name flashing up and answered, getting a big laugh from his colleagues

Perhaps a bit awkward for the TD (who hadn’t divulged the initial info), but then, Leo can hardly be too precious about leaking, can he?

+++

The Taoiseach spent an enjoyable morning in Ratheniska at the Ploughing before high-tailing to the airport to catch his flight to New York for the UN General Assembly. As we now know, Micheál Martin’s flight had to return to Dublin because of a bird strike. At least that’s what the official story is …

But word among the Fianna Fáil backbenchers is that Micheál had to do a quick about turn because he forgot to ask Government Chief Whip Jack Chambers for permission to leave Leinster House ahead of Wednesday night’s votes. And they were only half-joking.

Young Jack is a hard taskmaster, it seems.

Back at the Ploughing, the Minister for Social Protection was in her element. Heather Humphreys lives on a farm near Aghabog in Monaghan and she loves these sort of events. It was the day after she launched proposals for a new State pension system and she got a good reaction from most of the farmers she met.

Heather, who is also Minister for Community and Rural Development, took part in a panel discussion in the Government of Ireland marquee on the benefits of remote working. At one point she mentioned how she had been stuck in traffic on the M50 on her way down and suggested that the M50 is one of the best arguments around for remote working.

Some people are of the view that remote working means less productivity, said Heather “but as far as I’m concerned if you are sitting on that M50 every morning to get to work the productivity would be gone out of you before you even get into the office”.

Whereupon someone piped up: “Well, you better get used to it because you’ll be at it until you’re 70″.

+++

One man who could do with some lessons in Zen from placid Dáil baby Collins Mountaine is Limerick County TD Richard O’Donoghue, who has carved out an impressive niche for himself as the shoutiest member of the raucous Roaring Independents group.

He bellowed at the Taoiseach on behalf of the Roaring Rural Independents during Leaders’ Questions on Tuesday, taking him to task over the Government raking in VAT and tax on goods and services which are rising in price to the dismay of already hard-pressed consumers.

As Micheál Martin attempted to answer, rambunctious Richard across the floor kept on interrupting him, “TAX! VAT! TAX! VAT!” There really should have been an “ARSE! FECK!” in there too, but it didn’t happen.

The Government is the only “business” in Ireland which has increased its tax take by 30 per cent while every other business in the country is down 30 per cent, thundered the TD for Limerick County. But Ireland is not a business, pointed out the Taoiseach. “If you ran your business like I ran mine you wouldn’t be in business,” shouted O’Donoghue.

That stumped a few listeners.

As he berated the Taoiseach for not understanding business he noticed constituency rival, Minister of State Niall Collins (FF) laughing and called him out on it. “The same man that turned around and told the hotels in this country they were gouging. And it was the Dublin hotels that were gouging, not the Limerick ones!”

Exasperated by the constant heckling, Micheál protested: “I haven’t interrupted you.” To which rambunctious Richard retorted, with no hint of humility: “Because you can’t hold a candle to me!”

+++

Here’s a chance for a few bright young sparks to win some decent money for themselves and more again for their schools.

University Senator Ronán Mullen, who is a member of the Education committee, has organised an Oireachtas essay competition for school students on the theme “Parliamentary Politics Matter”.

It was launched in the members’ restaurant on Wednesday by the Ceann Comhairle and broadcaster Seán O’Rourke, who has put all that Golfgate unpleasantness behind him and is returning to the fray in the autumn with a programme for RTÉ called Two Tribes which looks at the “diverging paths” taken by Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael after the Civil War. The competition is open to senior cycle secondary students in all 32 counties who are asked to submit essays in English or Irish and compete for a prize fund of €4,000. Eason is the principal sponsor with educational publishing companies CJ Fallon and Folens also involved.

Ronán tells us a special website will issue a numerical code to competitors to ensure anonymity in the judging process. Students are asked to register for Aiste an Oireachtais by November 15th with the final date for submitting entries being December 8th.

Speaking at the launch, the Ceann Comhairle said it was vital to secure the interest and engagement of young people in order to maintain healthy, functioning democracies. He welcomed guest speaker O’Rourke who, “in his career as a journalist and broadcaster has done so much to make politics relevant, vital and interesting to our citizens.”

Ronán Mullen said that in a time when “many people are wondering about the quality of our politics and the future of democracy itself” he hoped the competition would “stimulate interest in the political process and help each student find their role in our democratic system”.