Kofi 'eyes' may fall on deaf 'ears'

Another crisis is looming for the United Nations and for Kofi Annan. This time Kofi is in big trouble. He survived the inquiry into his conduct during the Rwandan genocide when he insisted on withdrawing UN troops precisely when the genocide was getting under way.

There were also questions about his handling of the oil-for-food programme in Iraq. He got out of that one. This time, big trouble. There is no way out, except . . .

I have got a proposal which might assist him, otherwise, calamity.

Apparently Dermot Ahern is to be Kofi's "eyes and ears" in Europe. This is in connection with UN reform proposals. Kofi wants super-sleuths to tell him what the world is thinking, and Dermot has been sent to the capitals of east and west Europe to find out and come back and tell Kofi.

It was poor, innocent Dermot Ahern himself who made the announcement about the "eyes and ears" adventure. The United Nations made the usual high-falutin' announcement on Monday, but Dermot let the cat out of the bag.

The official United Nations statement had spoken of how their "excellencies" (four of them, the other excellencies being the former foreign minister of Indonesia, Ali Alatas, the former president of Mozambique, Joaquin Chissano, and the former Mexican president, Ernesto Zedillo) were to be envoys for the secretary general in the run-up to the UN summit next September, when decisions will be taken on proposals made by Kofi Annan on the reform of the United Nations.

The UN statement said their excellencies had "vast political experience [ and] profound knowledge of international relations" and referred to their "excellencies" as "prominent world leaders" (prominent Dundalk leader would be stretching it).

It's the "eyes and ears" bit that brings disaster for Kofi, the United Nations and the world community. Just at a time when we lose Pope John Paul II, can we afford to lose Kofi in the same week?

It was cruel that nobody at the United Nations tipped off Kofi about Dermot's previous outings as an "eyes and ears" sleuth.

Yes, far back in June 1997, when Bertie asked Dermot to be his (Bertie's) "eyes and ears" and go to London to ask Joseph Murphy jnr of JMSE whether JMSE had given Ray Burke money in 1989.

Off Dermot hot-footed to London (very good at hot-footing, to be fair, and excellent at going forward). Actually just to Heathrow, but no matter. A few hours of intensive investigation there and back Dermot came with the joyous news. JMSE had given no money to Ray Burke.

A few days later, Joseph Murphy invited Dermot to lunch in Fitzers restaurant in Dawson Street. Dermot Ahern asked Bertie if his "eyes and ears" services were required again (never one to go on a frolic of his own). Bertie said he gave him his riding instructions and off Dermot went, returning again with the news: definitely JMSE gave no money.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

JMSE had given £30,000.

No, it is neither here nor there that Dermot had been sent on a fool's errand in the first place, since Bertie had known all along that Ray had got £30,000. And had sent him on a fool's errand in the second place. No matter. What matters is Dermot made a pig's dinner of the investigation.

As an "eyes and ears" man Dermot is a disaster. Almost brought down the Government, it did. Had not Mary Harney done the patriotic thing and stuck to ministerial office come what may, it would all have come undone.

The question is: why do this to Kofi? There are several people far better in the "eyes and ears" business than Dermot who could have been seconded to Kofi. People who would have told him for sure what the Moldovans think of UN reform.

Several names flock to mind. There is that great former statesmen, now lolling on the back benches, Michael Smith. He was expecting a distinguished international posting after his service in Cyprus and Liberia. Why not him?

There is Mary O'Rourke who could be spared from Longford-Westmeath. Gerard Collins who ended the civil war in Lebanon. David Andrews who saved Africa from famine. Albert Reynolds who brought peace to Northern Ireland and who would tell it as it is.

I have an even more inspired proposal. Someone whose background is in the "eyes and ears" business, someone who, serving the nation as minister for justice some time ago, brought that expertise scintillatingly to bear. Who has the world record for taps after Michael Flatley.

The man whose investigative process brought down a government of which he was a member and a government of which he was not a member. Who gave inspired leadership to the Seanad for years.

Step forward, Seán Doherty.

It's been tough without him at the centre of our political affairs, but we have managed and, given our commitment to the United Nations and all that . . . Oh come one, let's be generous, let's give Kofi Seán Doherty.

And Kofi, go for it.