NEWTON'S OPTIC:THOUSANDS OF runes inscribed onto the hide of a particularly fat Irish monk have provided us with this fascinating chronicle of life in Linn Duachaill, the recently discovered 9th century Viking settlement known to its inhabitants as Dundjork:
Sundag
On this day did Martin son of Guinness encounter the son of his enemy, slain some years before.
“We shall sing of old battles and make peace together,” said Martin son of Guinness, “although I was not at that battle myself, nor do I know who was, nor am I clear on exactly what happened, nor am I disposed to sing at this precise moment.”
Moondag
On this day did Bertie Bloodaxe, friend of King Tony, sail for the Spanish land of Basquediaxxx, where there was much strife over whether it was actually Spanish and also how many x’s there were in Basquediaxxx. “I will bring peace to their land as I brought peace to our land,” Bloodaxe swore. “Once I’ve cost them everything they own, they won’t have anything left to fight about.”
Tyrsdag
On this day did Whitehair Wallace claim his longhouse was worth all the gold that would fit into a longboat. The other men of the village agreed, because it meant their longhouses were worth almost as much, even the ones without an en-suite cow byre. But then a small boy asked to see some of this gold and suddenly everyone’s longhouse looked very short indeed.
Odinsdag
On this day did the people usually hold a parliament, called the Thing, although its powers had been given away to a much larger parliament over the sea called the Allthing.
So when people went to the Thing to get things done, they found they had to go to the Allthing to get anything done. Many were so angry about this that they jumped up and down. This was called “Allthinging and dancing”.
Thorsdag
On this day did the younger and less muscular men of the village gather outside the great hall where the plunder of precious metals from the fat monks was kept. There they made a camp and spent much time talking about how the precious metals were obtained, stored and distributed. Then they went home, leaving the precious metals in the great hall exactly as they had always been.
Freydag
On this day did the people traditionally gather around their hearths until late, late into the night, to be entertained with songs, stories and perhaps even a few captured foreigners dragged in to perform some humiliating spectacle before them. But every Freydag fewer and fewer people bothered, until some began to wonder if late, late entertainment was really a tradition that would go on forever.
Saterdag
On this day did Bono the minstrel offer himself as a sacrifice to protect the village. “The end times are coming, the final battle of Ragnarok approaches,” he said. “But fear not, for I lead the greatest Ragnarok band of all time.”
And hearing this, the people did turn to Odin’s wife and say: “Oh for Frigg’s sake.”