Dreamtime for Greens as FF energy efficiency wins out


Newton's Optic:There is evidence that FF is above the laws of planning and thermodynamics, writes Newton Emerson

Fianna Fáil has sealed a deal with the Green Party after last-minute improvements to its energy efficiency. "It used to take Fianna Fáil several years in power to burn a junior partner but it's managed to burn Trevor Sargent already without losing any power at all," environmental expert Jeremiah Sandal said.

"I'm not even sure how this is possible. Apparently, Fianna Fáil is above the laws of planning and thermodynamics."

Under the programme for government secured yesterday, Fianna Fáil has agreed to move from dirty coalition to clean coalition if the Greens agree to drop their definition of "clean".

Initial negotiations broke down in confusion last Friday after Trevor Sargent reportedly "went nuclear" before reverting back to spinning in the wind.

"The hardest part of any environmental strategy is to get the energy mix right," Mr Sandal said.

"Think of Fianna Fáil as a conventional boiler, the Progressive Democrats as an experimental reactor, the Independent TDs as a fossil fuel reserve and the Greens as Bertie Ahern's personal composting toilet.

"Together, that should probably be enough to keep the lights on.

"With Greens to the left and PDs to the right, Fianna Fáil can power ahead whichever way the tide turns," explained Mr Sandal.

Trevor Sargent is particularly keen to take co-responsibility for whatever eventually happens to co-location hospitals. He originally insisted that Mary Harney could not remain as Health Minister but then relented when Harney would not budge and the Taoiseach agreed with Harney.

"This clearly shows the ecology of the new political food chain," Mr Sandal said. "Apparently, to the Soldiers of Destiny, sergeant is the lowest rank."

The Green Party had also campaigned for a moratorium on motorway building, protection for the Hill of Tara, an end to US military flights through Shannon, a ban on corporate political donations, no cuts to standard or higher rate income taxes, binding emission reduction targets, a school modernisation programme funded by obligations on developers and a complete overhaul of the planning system.

Fianna Fáil has agreed to none of these demands. In return, the Green Party has been offered no guarantees on ministerial posts or portfolios plus a private promise to introduce a carbon tax at an unspecified rate in an unspecified time.

"We'll wait until we can put enough pressure on the carbon to turn it into coal," a Fianna Fáil spokesman said. "Then we'll burn that as well."

Although its election manifesto appears to have been completely incinerated, environmental activists still believe that the Greens' political philosophy can ultimately help it to deal with the Taoiseach.

"What goes around comes around, even on Bertie's wheel within a wheel," Mr Sandal said, while taking an enigmatic sip from a mug of herbal tea.