NOTHING gladdens the Norwegian heart more than a boat trip to Denmark.
Denmark is Norway's best friend and Norwegians love to go there even if they don't get any further than the arrivals hall at Hirtshals. Overnights ferry trips bring the delights of Denmark to Norway for less than £10, cabin included.
It is not the beaches of Skagen, cosmopolitan and wonderful Copenhagen, or Legoland, although attractive in themselves, which draw the tourist to the Denmark boat. No, it's red: sausages, beer, bacon, aquavit, ham and salami.
Meat and alcohol are considerably cheaper in Denmark: than in Norway and most Norwegians share a sentimental regard for Danish pork products, with the sausage, being of a redder hue than its Norwegian counterpart, reserving a place in the carnivorous Norwegians' affections.
Beefy Bargain
Groups of friends with a reason or an excuse to celebrate, thrifty housewives on the lookout for a beefy bargain and companies in need of team building all take to the high seas in search of red sausages and fun.
It's a huge business which is beginning to aggravate the Danish authorities as more and more Norwegian tourists disdain disembarkation, having already bought Danish goodies to beat the band on the boat.
The band is usually hard to beat. Japanese country singers, Hungarian hipsters, Russian soul men and Bulgarian practitioners of boogie can all be found on the boat to Denmark singing Whitney Houston.
Norway is a leading country for ballroom dancing and the casual observer may be pleasantly surprised by the competence displayed on the dance floor by those couples who have only had one too many.
The atmosphere is similar to that at a weekend in a mountain hotel where the drink flows liberally and couples dance intricate steps to the strains of I will always love you sung in an eastern European accent.
There are some people, usually recognisable by the fact that they confine themselves to the comparatively rarefied atmosphere of the TV lounge, who are on the ferry for bona fide travel reasons and who eschew the tax free shop and the bar, but these are few and far between.
Mood Of Hedonism
The prevailing mood is one of hedonism and the joy of consumption is evident everywhere. Blues built up over a winter of long duration are miraculously banished by the sight of cheap perfume, sunglasses and gin. Demure looking couples load up their baskets with salami, whiskey and packets of rolling tobacco. With reckless abandon and complete disregard of customs limits, people normally noted for restraint scoot up and down the aisles buying bottles of Bols and Pisang, blackcurrant flavoured vodka and tanning lotion.
Food and alcohol, although the most favoured products, are not the only items for sale. Eyeglasses, clothing, souvenirs, knives, shampoo, shoes and handbags are all there for the choosing.
It's a strong will that can manage to hold on to a sense of proportion and a credit card. The next morning it dawns with a terrible clarity that there's a damn good reason why the ferry companies offer these trips at almost nominal costs.
For those who tire of serious shopping and drinking, there is the opt ion of serious gambling.
Blackjack, roulette and a wicked abundance of humble fruit machines ensure that the fool and his money bid a hasty farewell by some means or another.
Coming from a country where drinking and gambling are strictly controlled, there is a glorious naughtiness associated with being released from the ever vigilant care of Mother Norway and being let loose into the vacuum of lawlessness and moral chaos that is international waters.
Danish Boat Stories
Almost every Norwegian has a Danish boat story to tell. There is the woman who spent £30 on taxis between the ferry terminal and the nearest butchers to spend £6 on meat. The butchers in the port stay open all hours to cash in on those who do leave the boats.
She had tipped the taxi driver beyond the bounds of generosity in the euphoria brought on by the trip and its attendant refreshments.
There is the college student whose memory of the trip was so dim that it allowed his classmates to falsely persuade him that he had indulged in promiscuous debauchery while on board.
Then there's the smuggling, which is the stuff of which legends are made. You are allowed to buy 3 kg of meat per person, and if the trip is of less than 24 hours duration, you are not entitled to alcohol of any description and only 40 cigarettes.
Naturally, in the heady atmosphere of the duty free shop, such considerations are unworthy of the consumer's attention and special offers which qualify you for a free gift if you spend an excessive amount make a travesty of the regulations.
In such conditions, corruption flourishes. Last year, an official was caught unawares by a hidden Norwegian TV camera while taking a bribe. However, if you do lose your meat to customs, you can take cold comfort in the fact that the old people's homes in Kristiansand, one of the biggest departure points to Denmark, have the reputation of serving the best meat in Norway.