When all else fails to entertain us, we have, thank God, the courts to turn to, our comfort and our staff when the world seems predictable, orderly and boringly sensible. Are there words to describe the proper joy which fills the average human chest at what happened in the Circuit Court the other day? I suspect not. You have not heard? Ah. So let me begin.
Four years ago, part of the ceiling of a damp Dublin Corporation flat fell on a four-month old baby boy, Jamie Burke, cutting his ear. In 1996, after it had been discovered that Jamie had hearing loss, Corporation officials offered £10,000 compensation. Jamie's counsel declined the offer pending further specialist reports. But these showed conclusively that Jamie's hearing problems were not related to the injury to his ear, and were purely coincidental. The Corporation then withdrew its offer, though Jamie's counsel, Declan Buckley, told the Dublin Circuit Court this week that he thought the offer was to remain in being. Thus, his argument was that the compensation being offered by the Corpo - namely you and me, dearest reader - could only go up, regardless of the findings of the further medical opinions he had sought.
£10,000 damages
In layman's language, heads he wins, and tails he cleans up. Which is what happened when the Corporation, after consultations, finally agreed to withdraw the withdrawal and offered to pay £10,000 damages, plus legal costs (lawyers have to eat too, you know) to Jamie. Quite what the £10,000 damages are for, I am unable to ascertain. Deafness? No, that's ruled out. A cut ear? We should all have one - in fact, I feel one coming on this very second. Post-traumatic stress disorder? No mention of it - and after all, little Jamie was four months old at the time. Yes indeed, not surprising that Mr Justice Smyth complimented Jamie's counsel, Declan Buckley. Clearly a clever fellow, and if ever I'm in a spot of bother, he'll be the lad to turn to.
In the meantime, I trust he tells little Jamie never to take up scutting, the practice of hopping on and off the backs of trucks and vans at traffic lights. Not uncommon in Dublin, and certainly not in the Cork Street area where four years ago, Brian Duff, aged five, fell while scutting on the back of Gerry Buggles's ice-cream van. In this accident, Brian superficially injured his face, shoulders and arms, as well as encountering some old friends of anyone who goes limping to the courts - yes indeed, will you stand up and put your hands together for the one and only Post-Traumatic Stress Symptoms!
Ice-cream van
We all know that what happens these days when children break the law is not that the parents are brought before the courts for failing to mind them, but that someone is sued for the consequences of that illegality. In this case, it was the fair Mr Buggles, who was sued on Brian's behalf for failing to keep him, Brian, off the back of the Buggles ice-cream van - though I'd have said you'd need a rear gunner with a lot of courage and even more ammo for that daunting and demanding mission.
What complicates the story here is that that excellent fellow Buggles, purveyor of fine ice-creams, was actually not insured, so the Motor Insurers' Bureau of Ireland - i.e., you and me, once again, the Aunt Sallies in all such matters - paid the price, which was £7,500 in damages to Brian Duff, scutter. And in words which will ring down the ages with their sonorous sagacity and their percipient understanding of human nature, Mr Justice Smyth, in approving the Motor Insurers' Bureau offer, said he hoped that it would not entice other children to take up or continue what was a highly dangerous activity.
An offer of £7,500 damages causing children to take up or to continue scutting? Lord bless my soul, and God save your innocence, your Honour, you need have no fear of that. Oh dear me, no. Quite the reverse. It will have a deterrent value, Sire. Henceforward, whenever children gather at street corners to discuss To Scut Or Not To Scut, the one decisive factor which will cause them to abandon their careers in scutting is the famous Smyth ruling, in which poor Brian Duff got a measly £7,500 for falling off a Bugglesmobile. £7,500? That's hardly worth getting out bed for. Shag it, let's go to Sunday School instead.
Ginger and Algy
Nonetheless, I was happy to hear old Buggles is still alive. Obviously not going as well as he was, selling ice-creams from an uninsured van; but still. Quite the hero of our scutless childhoods, with his chums, Ginger and Algy, bashing the dreaded Hun and fiendish Jap from the skies, rat-tat-tat. His exploits were, as you know, carefully documented by his fearless amanuensis, Capt W.E. Johns - Buggles in the South Seas, Buggles in the Jungle, Buggles in Borneo, Buggles Defies the Swastika.
And now, another new golden Buggles era dawns! Would you were here with us, W.E., to record it. Glorious new chapters in the Buggles saga await to be written: Buggles and the Cornetto, Buggles Defies the Scutters, Buggles Hits the Motor Insurers' Bureau of Ireland For Six. These are happy days indeed. Ooh, my ear hurts.