A wager too far for benevolent Lord Rock-Gamble

NEWTON'S OPTIC:ON THIS day in 1831: It is reported in the better papers that Lord Rock-Gamble of Cavan and Fermanagh has staked his fortune at the gaming tables and all his great estates may now be forfeit.

Those present at the fateful game of chance, which took place at the notorious K-Fire Club, were Lord Ross of Dunboyne, Lord Thorncastle of Dundrum, Lord Gammon-Pineapple of Ryder and certain other fine gentlemen of Anglo-Irish society.

This journal understands that Lord Rock-Gamble placed his entire legacy on the turn of a single card, before shouting “Best of three! Best of three!” and challenging the bailiffs to a duel. News of the event has caused a sensation among all people of quality.

Yesterday, tenants of His Lordship gathered in the fields and markets to bemoan their unhappy circumstance.

A Mr Paddy O’Serf of Ballytownland, speaking to our correspondent, said: “What shall become of us without the care of our Lord and Master? Who will bestow upon us such tokens of kindness as a potato at Christmas and another slightly smaller potato at Easter?

“Who will provide work for myself, my wife, our 12 children, our 22 brothers and sisters and their 264 children? We will all surely starve through no fault of our own and certainly through no fault of His Lordship.”

Standing beside him, a Mr Mick O’Peasant of Ballynewtown said: “Lord Rock-Gamble loves us as if we were his own children and we love him in return. But more than that, he loves Ireland. Indeed he loves Ireland so much that he pays us a shilling a day to dig bits of it up and sell them abroad, so that people in far off lands can have a piece of Ireland too.”

Standing beside him, a Mrs Mary O’Servant of Ballynewtownland said: “In all the time he has been our protector Lord Rock-Gamble has always paid his debts, even if he had to sit up all night at the card-table sustained only by Lord Sandwich’s strange bread and meat refreshments.

“Given the chance he will repay this debt, should we have to work for the rest of our roughly 45-year lives.”

Standing behind all three was Lord Rock-Gamble’s agent, who gaily bid us to pay him no heed.

Although there is affection for His Lordship among the lower orders there is also anger at the rapaciousness of his creditors, who are thought to include several persons of foreign extraction such as Baron Matthaufeld the Elder and the Count D’Argent de Bruxelles.

“Who do these people think they are, coming over here and taking our Lords and our jobs?” a Mr Keith O’Ned shouted while milking his donkey.

“This would never have happened under the Normans.”

Should Lord Rock-Gamble’s estate be broken up it will also be most injurious to the pastoral way of life, according to the romantic movement, which is currently fashionable among many Ladies and Dandies of the town.

“His Lordship has kindly indulged our rustic pastimes and customs,” said Rourke O’Drift of the Turnip Throwing Association. “We do not wish to see him ground down like gravel or hunted like quarry.

“Now, in his honour, we will gather the common folk together for a traditional Irish forelock-tug of war.”