Zealots blamed for heckler's protest

Capernaum, AD30 - A possibly dangerous situation was pre-empted in Capernaum yesterday when a protester began shouting at the preacher Jesus as he spoke in the synagogue. The protester shouted: "What are you doing here, Jesus of Nazareth? Why are you annoying us. Are you going to destroy us with your nonsense?"

A woman, standing nearby, said to her friend: "The devil is in that fellow". John ("the word") was very angry. He told his brother James he believed the interruption was deliberately timed to cause Jesus maximum embarrassment. He believed the protester was a Zealot. "They should all be locked up", he said.

But Jesus was not embarrassed. "Be quiet," he ordered, and with such force it took the protester by complete surprise. He began to shake violently and fell to the floor shrieking. "I told you the devil was in him", said the woman to her friend.

Soon the man was still. He looked around like someone waking from sleep, and was helped to his feet by people standing nearby. He was calm. "God . . .", said the woman to her friend, "he [Jesus] can even order the devil around".

Later that day three young men, the Sadducees Philip and Nathaniel with their Pharisee friend, Bartholomew, were passing through Capernaum on their way home to Bethsaida, north of the lake, when they saw Jesus. They were in high spirits as usual.

Philip recognised Jesus from the time he saw him baptised in the river Jordan by the preacher John. "Yo, there goes the son of God", he said. Nathaniel lay against a fig tree. "Bartholomew, here's your chance. Ask him has he any sisters," he said.

Bartholomew, on hearing Jesus described as the son of God, expressed surprise that God "got up to that sort of thing" and then wondered whether he had any daughters.

"Hey, it's Simon", said Philip, recognising Peter, "and And rew", Peter and Andrew also came from Bethsaida. "Yo, Simon", Philip shouted as they came closer. ". . . Peter", said Peter. "Philip! You eejit. Don't you recognise me, for God's sake?" asked Philip. And Peter explained he did but that his own name had been changed by Jesus and how he was now helping Jesus with his campaign.

Nathaniel was disgusted. "If `Simon' is good enough for Bethsaida it's good enough for anyone from a kip like Nazareth", he said. But Peter did not want a row. He said he would bring them to meet Jesus. "Yeah, I've always wanted to meet the son of God", said Nathaniel.

Peter ignored the mockery and said: "We're all sons of God."

"Sure. . . brother! . . . Peter!!" said Philip, putting his arm across Peter's shoulder.

As they went towards Jesus, Peter told the three about the scene in the synagogue and the protester shouting. ". . . every son of God gets a bit of hard luck sometimes . . .", sang Bartholomew, from a song by their friend Loudan. ". . . especially when he goes around saying he's the way," continued Nathaniel, referring to Jesus's favourite saying, "I am the way."

As they got closer, Jesus came towards them and said: "Ah, Nathaniel . . .", and he turned to the crowd. "Here is one true son of Israel with not a wrong bone in his body. He's as honest as a drop down."

Nathaniel was stunned. "How do you know me?" he asked Jesus. "I saw you over there under that fig tree with Philip . . . planning things . . ." and he laughed. All three young men were totally shocked. How could he have known? Noticing their reaction Jesus said, "don't be surprised at this. It's nothing. Ye'll see far greater things I tell you."

Philip, Nathaniel and Bartholomew later joined with the rest of the band of friends who now go everywhere with Jesus.

Apology

In last week's Jesus Report, serious doubt was cast on the character of Peter. This newspaper wishes to dissociate itself entirely from those comments. We are satisfied that Peter is a man of the highest integrity and a most loyal, dependable friend and relative.

By agreement with Iscariot and Iscariot (Capernaum) Solicitors, a substantial sum has been donated to the Galilee Fishermen's Provident Fund.