Socks? Hankies? Eau de toilette? If you still think these are the Christmas gifts men like, you need to read this, writes
Conor Pope
A calligraphy set? Seriously? For an adult with the manual dexterity of a small, clumsy child, a high-end, ink-based writing kit is about as welcome as a tax audit, and it is hard to smile through the disappointment when you find such a thing in your Christmas stocking.
What compounded this particular Christmas morning sadness was that the fancy pens sat under the tree alongside a Chieftains cassette.
Now, no disrespect to the Chieftains, they’re a fine band, but a cassette? In 2009? Several years after the world’s last tape deck had found its way onto the scrap heap? The sad truth is I had no one to blame but myself for this shocking haul.
Whenever I am asked what I would like for Christmas, my mind goes as blank as a Buddhist monk in a perfect trance. “Oh, I dunno, surprise me,” I hear myself saying.
And then they do. Big time. Not this year. This year I have been asked to come up with the presents men really want, so when – or indeed if – I am asked , I will simply hand the asker this list.
The reality for many men in their 30s and 40s and beyond is that the present they most desire is to be in their early 20s again when they had few responsibilities and could spend the days leading up to Christmas in the pub with their mates and the days just after it in bed with their, well, whatever . . . Unless a time-machine is invented pretty sharpish, this present will remain an impossible dream.
“Experiences” are big and can make for a brilliant present. Not only are they fun they can give a man a bit of space. Golfers of all abilities would be delighted to find a voucher for a class at the short-game school of Dave Pelz in Killeen Castle under the tree this year.
While most golf lessons focus on the big hits, these classes deal with shots of 100 yards or less.
Pelz, a former Nasa physicist, is the leading exponent of the short game and has coached Phil Mickelson, Vijay Singh to name just two. His first school outside the US in Ireland has three-day, two-day, one-day and half-day programmes that can be booked from url.ie/dh12 or by calling 01-6893030.
Okay, this won’t suit every man – particularly those who were lucky enough to have one first time out – but a Sodastream might be a good idea for the poor latchkey children like this one (not really) who were denied this height of 1970s luxury back in the day.
They cost €49 in Argos, the concentrates which will make around 12 litres of fizzy goodness cost a fiver andthen the spare gas costs another €25. Admittedly, it could quickly find its way into a cupboard to grow old and die, but we think it’s a chance worth taking.
Okay, so it rains a lot here and is cold and very windy, but Ireland is still the perfect place for outdoor activities such as mountain biking, hill walking and surfing.
Surfing is addictive, and while it used to be an incredibly cold pursuit, improvements in wetsuit technology means it is now possible to spend hours in the raging waters off the coast of Donegal or Sligo without dying of hypothermia.
Rather than rushing out and buying all the kit, classes with surfworld.ie in Bundoran can be had for as little as €30 and that includes all the gear.
The worst thing you can buy a man, incidentally, are vouchers for clothes. You may as well give him a big ball of stress wrapped up in a bow because the last thing he will want is to be sent out into the post-Christmas sales, to shop for himself.
If you must, you can buy him actual clothes – he’ll just be glad that he doesn’t have to go looking for them himself.
A really good quality leather duffel bag is a pain to wrap but will be appreciated for a number of reasons.
It’s super cool, ultra practical and will allow the recipient daydream about exotic overseas adventures that may long since have passed them by.
Weir and Sons on Dublin’s Grafton St has some of the finest leather bags you will ever see, but they don’t come cheap.
Massimo Dutti stocks more wallet-friendly versions.
Getting the sounds right in your car can be immensely frustrating, but if you manage to get your car to talk to your phone and your phone to talk back you can improve your driving experience immeasurably – apparently.
Novero’s “The Truly One” Universal Display Bluetooth Car Kit looks pretty good to us. It costs around €200 – fitting will be extra – and making and taking calls is easy, it syncs with your ipod or iPhone and has all manner of echo cancellation technology. See team.ie.
Is there a better time to give someone a set of chef’s knives than at Christmas where there is a mountain of gratifying carving that needs doing? Global Knives, which come from Japan, are widely considered to be among the best chef’s knives in the world.
A block of six can be bought for around €300 and they can be found in Brown Thomas or at cooks-knives.co.uk To paraphrase Jane Austen, it is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of an iPad must be in want of an iCade, the cool retro device which turns your tablet into a suite of arcade games from the 1980s.
You just slide your tablet into this desktop-sized cabinet and before you know it you’re playing Asteroids or Millipede or any one of a huge range of classic titles. €93, firebox.com.
Speaking of cool, the Bose SoundDock looks great and sounds amazing. This latest version has an infrared remote so you can switch back and forth between playlists without getting off your couch.
It also comes with an auxiliary jack for bringing the Bose sound to your DVD/CD player, MP3 player or other portable devices. €249 at bose.co.uk.
Reveal your inner Clooney by asking for a Nespresso machine. They make great coffee without the palaver of the more high-end machines, are easy to maintain and come in all manner of shapes and sizes and prices. Brown Thomas do a great line in them but they can also be tracked down elsewhere, and entry-level machines can be had for less than €100.
If you plan to get this as a present, do not forget to buy coffee pods. A Nespresso machine without coffee pods is as useful as a Chieftains cassette without a tapedeck.
And what they reallly don’t want ...
There are some things that make for useless presents. Let’s face it, unless you live in Downton Abbey and are somewhat concerned that that sniffle you have is about to turn into Spanish Flu, you probably have no need for a hankie.
It doesn’t matter if it is monogrammed or designed by Paul Smith, it really, really is a terrible present and will be of use to absolutely no-one ever.
Pharmacy-bought toiletries are almost as much of a no-no. Yes Old Spice did a sterling job of reinventing itself with a funny advertising campaign a while back and Lynx gift sets are probably not so bad but both will need to do a whole lot more if they are to become Christmas presents that say anything more prosaic than “I have no imagination and don’t really like you enough to put much thought into your present”.
Or “I am five-years-old and you are my dad”. Novelty anything – socks, jumpers, it doesn’t matter – are also a complete no-no. Just ask yourself: what do the first two letters of novelty spell?