DÁIL SKETCH:Biffo bids to stay sunny but negative onslaught suggests he may be just too semi-detached

GUTEN MORGAN Kelly! As we like to say around these parts.

Cheers us all up of a winter’s morning.

Ah yes. Good ol’ Morgue, as we like to call him. It always gets a laugh because Morgan says the Irish economy is heading straight for it.

The UCD economist didn’t hold back in this newspaper on Monday when he sharpened his scythe and got stuck into the tangled mess of the national finances. His prognosis was not good. The handcart is pulling into Hell and our flat-lining economy is in the back, declared Prof Kelly.

He hasn’t been wrong yet, which is the reason his column made for such grim reading.

It was the talk of Leinster House, which isn’t saying much as the place was eerily quiet yesterday afternoon.

To make matters worse, the ink had scarcely dried on Mystic Morgue’s grim assessment of the future when the dreaded Angel of Debt swept into town.

The weather turned cold. The only thing missing was a thunderclap.

For it was Olli Rehn, EU commissioner for stupid governments.

Olli is a mild-mannered Scandinavian. Do not let that fool you.

From where exactly does Olli hail? If our expiring economy were a silent movie, one word would be flashing up now in capitals on the screen: “FIN”.

This is not good. It is awfully hard to keep the spirits up when things are so awful. Although Frank McBrearty, Labour’s outspoken candidate in the Donegal South West byelection, might prove promising when it comes to adding to the gaiety of the nation.

Judging by Vincent Browne’s show the other night, the rest of the candidates could bore for Ireland. Frank, on the other hand, showed definite potential.

The impending byelection was mentioned in dispatches in the chamber, as was Morgan Kelly.

Eamon Gilmore wanted to know if the Government would publish its four-year economic plan before or after the vote. Taoiseach Brian Cowen, being as helpful as possible, ventured the information that the plan would be made public either before or after the byelection.

Or to put it in Biffo-speak, the Taoiseach “indicated” an “indicative timeframe”.

Was it the scary presence of Olli Rehn in the country – the Finn didn’t fly off until teatime, or was it the frightening verdict of Morgan Kelly that induced such an air of stupefaction in the chamber?

Few deputies managed to make it inside for Leaders’ Questions and there was barely a squeak out of those who did. The torpid TDs sat in silence while Enda and Eamon went through the motions and Brian read long, tedious chunks from his prepared answers.

The Fine Gael leader referred to Prof Kelly’s article, which warned that a mass default on home mortgages would be the next disaster to hit after the bank bailout catastrophe.

Had the Government any strategy prepared to assist the many thousands of people who find themselves in difficulty, having been “seduced” by financial institutions into buying homes? Biffo resorted to his script, reading a list of initiatives that have been put in place by the Government in recent years. As he rambled on about establishing the Mortgage Arrears and Personal Debt Expert Group and the low rate of repossessions, it was difficult to concentrate.

Next to him, Mary Coughlan, Mary Harney and Dermot Ahern appeared to have slipped into a coma.

In fairness, the Taoiseach wanted to look on the bright side of our situation.

“We need to articulate and identify the strengths,” he said to the near-empty chamber; his three Ministers displaying all the perkiness of a row of lettuce left too long in the vegetable patch and his Opposition yawning and scratching themselves.

But his response to Enda’s questions on the mortgages problem was an example of how Brian Cowen always manages to put a damper on proceedings.

He could have shown some empathy with the thousands of people worrying about losing their homes. He might not be able to do much for them, but at least could have tried to sound interested.

He couldn’t do it.

In the years of the boom, when Bertie was the boss, he could do the semi-detached taoiseach thing and nobody really cared. It was almost endearing.

My, but the money you could get for a semi-detached taoiseach during the bubble years!

Bertie became fully detached when the madness reached its peak, and people laughed when he told the Dáil he was worth his huge salary and entitled to a rise because he didn’t have planes and country palaces and caterers like the president of France.

The country threw money at the taoiseach back then, even when he stood back in the chamber and marvelled at all the things happening in the country – he was Bertie the bystander.

But now that the banks are bust and the economy is down the drain, people aren’t willing to entertain a mortgage for a semi-detached taoiseach anymore. Brian Cowen is getting no latitude.

Only consolation for him is that Bertie Ahern’s reputation is now in serious negative equity.

Not that anyone has any sympathy.

They should have listened to good ol’ Morgue.

And a Guten Morgan Kelly to you too, as we like to say . . .