Miriam Lord's Week

McGuinness isn’t good for you; ‘Bash the Jackeens’ line for rural base; Enda hopes there’s no mutiny on the Bounty; Fine Gael plays the love card

THERE WAS great excitement around Leinster House yesterday, and it wasn’t just because a happy syndicate of Oireachtas ushers were returning to the Dáil bar for a party after collecting their winning Lotto cheque.

Politicians from all sides were agog at the news that Jilted John McGuinness – given the elbow by Taoiseach Cowen in Wednesday's reshuffle of junior ministers – was lined up to appear on The Late Late Show.

He was over his shock by Thursday, and saying less than complimentary things about the Government to anyone with a microphone who cared to stop him.

Among politicians and handlers, news of Jilted John’s imminent TV appearance made imaginations run riot – “he’s hardly going on Pat Kenny to play the spoons” – with some deputies declaring they are now in general election mode.

As one of them put it, “the place is in flitters and it could fall around our ears at any time”.

In keeping with this column’s solemn duty to convey the latest tittle-tattle from the corridors, we heard late in the day from a very reliable source who boasts the most reliable sources: “I am told there are now 26 TDs with a grudge of some kind against Cowen. Will they hold their water if the local and Euro elections are a disaster or will they act?”

The general consensus is that Jilted John will cause trouble for the Government.

Take care.

McGuinness isn’t good for you, Taoiseach.

Shameless Nedo

Speaking of which, the Taoiseach enjoyed a relaxing couple of days in Cork last weekend when he attended the wedding of Batt O’Keeffe’s daughter.

During his brief sojourn in the Rebel County, a convivial Cowen fitted in a number of lively engagements between the wedding and a FF national executive meeting.

While relaxing by the Lee, did he offer himself as a mediator between his Cork-based European election candidates? Brian Crowley and Ned O’Keeffe are supposed to be at loggerheads, according to, er, Ned O’Keeffe.

Deputy O’Keeffe felt compelled to issue a press statement during the week denying rumours that “he is rowing with his running mate.” Such speculation is “completely without foundation,” said Nedo.

“I’d like to assure the people of the South Euro constituency that these reports are completely without foundation. There is no row between myself and Brian, we are both just interested in maximising the Fianna Fáil vote in the forthcoming Euro elections.”

And if that means trying to peddle a Maireád McGuinness/ Avril Doyle type rivalry to the media, so be it. After all, it worked a treat for the two ladies in Leinster last time out.

The bould Ned is shameless when it comes to trying to swing himself a few votes.

As well as issuing a pre-emptive denial of any spats between himself and MEP Crowley, he also came up this week with a nice “bash the Jackeens” line for his mainly rural fanbase. Nedo rushed out a press release condemning a proposal to close down one-man Garda stations as “a hare-brained Dublin scheme”.

Moneygall CIA alert

Among those Garda outposts listed for possible closure is the one in Moneygall, Co Offaly.

How can this be allowed to happen? What will all the Secret Service people think when they land in Moneygall with Barack Obama and find no police station? We’ll be the laughing stock of the civilised world and the safety of the president of the United States will be seriously compromised.

If word of this reaches The White House, we fear that a visit by Obama to his ancestral homeplace may be knocked on the head by the windy CIA.

Bounty for Enda

Barack Obama gets a new dog called Bo and, hot on his heels, Enda Kenny gets a new dog called Bounty.

The Fine Gael leader stresses that his decision to get a family pet was not an attempt to copy the most important and influential politician on the planet. “Fiver, our much loved family dog, died a year ago at the age of nine and we were all very upset. We decided to get another little dog on his first anniversary, which fell on March 31st,” explains Enda.

They went to the local dog shelter and adopted a black collie/ terrier cross, which Enda’s three children promptly named “Bounty.” If Deputy Kenny wasn’t happy with their choice, he said nothing, although thoughts of Mutiny on the Bounty must have crossed his mind.

“She’s a lovely gentle little thing, only 4½ months old. She didn’t have the best start in life, so it’s great to be able to give Bounty a warm and loving family home.” Aaaah.

“But I’ll never forget old Fiver – I bought him at a fair for that amount. He used to patrol up and down at the garden wall until I came home, and he had to get into every family photo that was taken.”

In Fine Gael terms, that would make the late, lamented Fiver the canine equivalent of Deputy Paul Connaughton. When it comes to jumping into photographs, Paul would give Donie Cassidy a run for his money.

Rumblings in FG

Enda took himself off to Israel and the Gaza Strip this week for a few days of peace and quiet, miles away from the explosive parliamentary party meetings favoured these days by Fine Gael and its barking puppies.

But just before he left on his fact-finding mission, Enda had to endure another noisy meeting when Tipperary North TD Noel Coonan launched a broadside against former GAA president Seán Kelly, who is one of the party’s candidates for Munster in the Euro elections.

Deputy Coonan was very annoyed by Kelly’s attendance at last weekend’s bash in Tipperary to celebrate Michael Lowry’s 21 years in national politics.

Lowry, a FG star before he fell spectacularly from grace and joined the ranks of Independent TDs, still has a formidable political operation behind him.

First-time TD Coonan is fighting a constant battle against the Lowry machine and he says he needs the full support of the leadership in his efforts to keep it at bay.

He was incensed when he heard that Kelly, whose candidature is enthusiastically pushed by headquarters, attended the Lowry function. The fact that Lowry – a considerable vote- getter – endorsed Kelly’s Euro campaign angered the Roscrea-based TD.

At Wednesday’s meeting, he informed Kenny of his views in no uncertain terms. By teatime, a happy Enda was on his way to the Gaza Strip.

(He flies home today, after a meeting with President Abbas.) Arriviste Kelly has riled some of the old Blueshirt brigade, who take a dim view of “celebrity” candidates and also mutter that Kelly seemed awfully friendly with Bertie Ahern and John O’Donoghue in his GAA days.

However, Enda is all for embracing political waifs and strays to the bosom of Fine Gael – particularly if it might secure them a few more seats. He tells his parliamentary party members they must welcome former PD members, among others, to the fold.

This is all very fine in theory, sniff the old guard, but not if it puts any of their positions in jeopardy.

Kelly fought his corner on local radio, saying he went to the function to support a friend from the GAA. His running mate in Ireland South, sitting MEP Colm Burke, then took to the airwaves to express his displeasure at his colleague’s actions.

Back at headquarters in Dublin, a party spokesman wasn’t too bothered by the latest outbreak. “On the Beaufort scale, this one was well down the ratings,” he remarked.

‘Grass-margin’ Brian

A colleague who lives in west Dublin answered a knock on his door a couple of weeks ago and was greeted by a local election candidate, leaflets in hand, canvassing his vote.

He chatted for a while to Niamh Moran, a solicitor based in Dublin 15, who is contesting the Mulhuddart/Blanchardstown ward for Fianna Fáil. In the course of the conversation, our friend mentioned that residents in his estate were hoping the council would erect a fence along a ditch facing their homes. Ms Moran, a first-timer, took out her notebook and jotted down the details.

Last week, our friend received a bar-coded Oireachtas envelope in the post. It contained a typed letter on Department of Finance headed notepaper. He got a bit of a fright, at first, then he read on: “Niamh Moran, who is a candidate in the local elections, has been in touch with me on your behalf regarding the need for railings on the hedgerows in front of your house.

“I have raised this matter with Fingal County Council and I will be in touch with you when I have a response.” And the letter was signed by none other than Brian Lenihan, Minister for Finance.

There can’t possibly be enough minutes in the day for Minister Lenihan – one minute, it’s all bank bailouts and budgets, the next it’s grass margins in Mulhuddart.

But what would the Standards in Public Office (Sipo) people make of the Minister for Finance’s dig-out for his party colleague, courtesy of the taxpayer? Earlier this month, Sipo said it was completely inappropriate for TDs and senators to allow party colleagues running for election to use the free-post entitlements given to elected representatives.

Sipo said the service was for public information purposes and not party-political electioneering.

“Oireachtas facilities such as free pre-paid envelopes are provided at public expense to assist members in the performance of their functions as public representatives, and the relevant codes of conduct require that such resources are used only for the purpose for which they are granted.”

However, clever-clogs Lenihan probably escapes on a technicality. While the letter is a blatant election plug for Ms Moran, it is disguised as local TD Lenihan performing his function as a public representative and assisting a constituent.

O’Keeffe roadshow

After his torrid Easter at the hands of the teachers’ unions, Minister for Education Batt O’Keeffe went on a PR offensive last Wednesday, cutting ribbons and making good news announcements at schools around Mayo. Unlike their colleagues at the conferences, the teachers who greeted Batt were the very soul of courtesy, but not everyone was happy. “It was the worst I’ve ever seen in the life in politics,” fulminated FG deputy Michael Ring. “It was like one of those television shows, where someone goes around handing out loads of money to people. It was a disgraceful PR job in advance of the local elections, with the Minister dragging candidates in and out of schools to have their photos taken.

“ ’Twas scandalous, so it was, a scandalous Fianna Fáil roadshow,” he told us.

“I gave up running after them after a couple of schools. I went back down to the Dáil, where there was real work to do.”

Ring got back to Leinster House in time to congratulate his Mayo colleague Dara Calleary, who was elevated to the ranks of the junior ministers on Wednesday.

Dev Óg baffled

In Galway yesterday, Taoiseach Brian Cowen was unable to shed any light on who will be Fianna Fáil’s replacement candidate for Ireland North West after MEP Seán Ó Neachtain’s shock retirement.

Among the local politicians squiring their smiling leader around the city was Minister Éamon Ó Cuív, who appeared baffled by all the talk of him being lined up for Europe and a head-to- head battle with Declan Ganley of Libertas. “I’m not going anywhere,” declared Dev Óg when asked about his intentions.

It is understood that Ó Cuív is not exactly mystified as to where this rumour started. Not that he was saying anything.

But did anybody think of asking Éamon’s dear constituency colleague Frank Fahey who was recently spotted whispering sweet nothings into the ear of a very interested looking local hack?

Leinster romance?

In a tactical about-turn in Leinster, Fine Gael is trying a new approach to retaining its two European Parliament seats.

While feuding candidates always do well in the publicity race, accounts of rows between rivals in the various parties are becoming a little old hat.

So this time, FG is playing the love interest card. Senator John Paul Phelan holds sway in the southern half of the constituency, while sitting MEP, the redoubtable Maireád McGuinness, rules over the northern end. Director of elections Big Phil Hogan is keeping a watchful eye out for any incursions by either party into enemy territory.

We hear that John Paul – a strapping 6ft 3in young fella – is currently romancing a FG local election candidate who lives in the heart of Maireád McGuinness country in Meath. JP launched Catherine Yore’s campaign in Kells a number of weeks ago, and his distinctively branded election four-wheel drive has been spotted in the country by McGuinness spies.

Both young politicians are saying nothing, but we hear that the text messages are flying between the Senator and the attractive teacher, who is a singer of note and has appeared on two television talent shows.

Phelan’s driver, who rejoices in the name of Paddo, also tells us that John Paul has also become a hit with local ladies in his native Kilkenny. “When they see his jeeps, they write their phone numbers in lipstick on the wing mirrors. If found, the best thing for removing them is Cif.”

Singing Independent

Deputy Finian McGrath is performing at a charity concert in aid of the Salvation Army this week. The concert for the homeless takes place at St Luke the Evangelist Church in Kilbarron Road, Kilmore West, on Wednesday, April 29th at 8pm.

The irrepressible Finian will be performing with Tony Kenny, Nicky Byrne snr, Derek Keyes, Mary Lynch and a full big band.

Mayo hits multiply

Labour party activist Keith Martin, who is director of elections for Nessa Childers in the Leinster constituency, points us towards a brand new political website called Kildare Street.com.

The site is a joy for political anoraks. “It has a great function that allows you to search the Oireachtas debates and find out how many times a particular word or phrase has been used, and by whom,” he tells us.

Type in “Tallaght” for example, and predictably, Charlie O’Connor tops the table with 696 mentions since January 2004. Michael McDowell, surprisingly, comes in second, with 251 mentions.

But Charlie was shamed by Michael Ring’s amazing performance. Search for “Mayo” and Michael tops the poll. He managed to say “Mayo” 1,993 times since just January 2006. That means he said “Mayo” on average six times on each sitting day in that period.

Eight times as often as his constituency colleague and party leader.