Hardcore economic anoraks delight in test drive of Nama SPVs

DÁIL SKETCH:How many property investors can you fit in an SPV? Lots. Pile in, lads!

STEP INSIDE the stunning Nama SPV and prepare to be taken for a ride. Choose from the Master SPV and the Mini SPV – it’s passed every test imaginable in the Department of Finance, except the crash test. Which is a bit of a worry.

How many property investors can you fit in an SPV? Lots. Pile in, lads! Just remember, you’ll need a (bad) loan to get your hands on one.

Brian Lenihan launched his new generation of Special Purpose Vehicles in the Dáil on Tuesday night. He was still showing them off in the chamber yesterday.

The Opposition is confused. Shouldn’t we be calling them SPiVs? wonders Joan Burton, further muddying the waters. Does she have in mind the investors, or all the little SPV companies the Minister plans to establish to ensure that Nama’s toxic loans don’t show up on the national balance sheet?

Some TDs and one Senator had the sense to take off from Leinster House and play a charity football match against a team drawn from a number of embassies around Dublin.

Deputies Niall Blaney, Frankie Feighan and Michael D’arcy, and Senator Mark Daly togged out with Oireachtas staff for the five-a-side, held to highlight the need to fight racism in sport.

The politicians hammered the foreigners by 10 goals to three.

Back in the Dáil, the likes of Joan Burton and Richard Bruton, George Lee and Pat Rabbitte, Kieran O’Donnell and Kathleen Lynch slugged it out over Nama.

A stoic Minister Lenihan sat through the barrage, expression going from best-boy to bewildered and back again. Joan, in particular, was slowly, and methodically, torturing him.

While the committee stage of the Nama Bill was wonderful fare for the hardcore economic anoraks in the Dáil – and thank God we have them – it was torture for everyone else.

“It does feel as if we’re living in the South Sea bubble,” declared David Norris in the Seanad, which was a relatively Nama-free zone.

“SPVs – I don’t terribly like the sound of them,” said David, calling for a “rolling debate” on the economy.

Senator Ann Ormonde (FF) agreed. Not only should they hold a debate on the economy, the House should debate “society in general”. It’s changed enormously, you know. Ann is interested in the “whole concept of work . . . how people work today . . . Is it a nine to five job . . . what do they think of it?”

The Seanad is sitting this week – they’re all very proud of this sacrifice. Normally, both Houses rise for the October mid-term break. But Senators convened at half-past two yesterday afternoon, and will sit again this morning, for a few hours.

Don’t talk to them about work.

Camillus Glynn (FF) brought proceedings seamlessly on to the Derelict Sites Act, without a hint of irony.

At least Liam Twomey (FG) was a ray of light. “Only six weeks to the most horrendous Budget we’re going to see in the history of the State,” he said brightly before moving on to swine flu.

Senators like to think they flex their muscles by demanding various cabinet ministers be hauled before them to explain policy. Mary White (FF) wanted the Tánaiste to come in and say “what is the plan for getting us back as a competitive country”. Senators are nothing if not optimistic.

“It’s a huge pity that the Government is all over the place on the Budget,” said Joe Reilly (FG), making his pitch for membership of the hardcore economic anorak club. It was left to Paul Coghlan (FG) of Killarney to introduce a note of reality. Paul has been a tireless campaigner for the jarveys of Kerry and their ongoing horse nappy problems. “I would ask that the blockage be lifted pending mediation,” he said.

Perhaps he meant medication.

Whither the Seanad? pondered Jerry Buttimer (FG), who has been most thoughtful in his contributions of late, only sporadically erupting. He wanted a debate “on the role of politics and politicians in Irish society”. In the Order of Business, calls were made to haul in the Minister for Education (“crucifying retired teachers” – Joe O’Toole), the Tánaiste and the Ministers for Transport, Health and Justice. What usually happens is that Martin Mansergh – or Seán Haughey, at a pinch – is sent in to humour them.

House leader Donie Cassidy was hugely impressed with Tuesday’s “huge hall”. We thought impresario Donie was talking about a new venue. In fact, he meant the haul of cigarettes from a boat in Greenore.

Then he moved on to drink-driving. “I was stopped twice on Saturday night,” announced tee-total publican Donie. “In fact, I was breathalysed on one occasion. The good news is that I was lightly concerned, but as I had no sherry trifle, the reading was zero.”