How to be a model modern gentleman

Debrett's 'Guide for the Modern Gentleman' is not for the faint-hearted,

DEBRETT'S, the English institution seen as the bastion of etiquette and manners for the past two centuries, has just launched its guide for the modern gentleman.

If you're the type of male who thinks chivalry exists solely in a Richard Gere film (ahem), then it should make for uncomfortable and slightly shameful reading. It probably didn't help that when I called the company looking for a copy, I was still gulping tea and eating toast. "A no-no number one," the company representative politely told me by way of introduction. It's not that we guys don't have manners any more. It's just that with so many of us conducting social and personal relationships digitally, gentlemanly conduct has gone slightly out of fashion.

For instance - do you know which socks to wear with a bespoke suit? What about the rules of engagement of social kissing? How should you act on a first date? When handling the in-laws? Dealing with an ex? How do you pack a suitcase? Survive a plane crash even?

Never fear, lads, Debrett's Guide for the Modern Gentleman has it all covered.

"Modern chivalry," the guide tells us, "is all about the natural gesture, striking a balance between treating a woman like a lady, but respecting her independence." On a date, you should never discuss salaries or exes, while the modern man still stands up to greet a woman when she enters the room and offers to open doors. Chat-up lines should be approached with extreme caution.

"Is it hot in here or is it you?" is not recommended. Neither is, "If I said you have a beautiful body would you hold it against me?" When it comes to paying the bill, "the greatest spoiler to romance is going Dutch", the guide says.

At times the guide treads a fine line between respecting gender equality and gentlemanly conduct. Or perhaps the blurring of the gender lines has somehow negated the role etiquette and chivalry has to play in modern life. At least that would be my excuse.

Half of all men Debrett's surveyed in advance of the publication said they were confused about modern manners. The guide also gives tips on how to handle yourself online, what tone to adopt in work and personal e-mails, and how to be chivalrous without appearing over-the-top. Handshakes should be firm, but never clenched, while you should always steer clear of mistletoe and dirty dancing at office parties. Damn.

Etiquette consultant Pamela Fay says we are increasingly becoming a nation of men who forget our manners and social graces. Fay, through her company Business Performance Perspectives, works with both companies and individuals looking to improve their social behaviour. She says the new guide is a welcome publication and should be essential male reading.

"I think there are huge issues in Ireland around male chivalry and etiquette and I think with the downturn these issues will now become more apparent. Whereas before people would e-mail or text, now clients will expect to be met and dealt with more personally," she says.

Some of her clients move into the world of employment straight from college, and lack the basic social grounding that would have been provided through family or community sources a generation ago.

"I've had experience of quite a few people coming from postgraduate programmes, where they don't know how to act in a business or even lunch situation - whether to take someone's coat or not, or when to pour the coffee for instance. In a survey we conducted, 80 per cent of people admitted that manners were increasingly important in times of economic change."

Often, she says, companies will take prospective employees to lunch to assess whether or not they cut the mustard socially.

"You might be the brightest spark applying for a job, but if you can't get on with people, then [companies] will be reluctant to take you on. In a survey we did recently, 75 per cent of people said they were embarrassed by the behaviour of a work colleague, so there's room there to improve. I think Irish men though are mannerly, but still there would be no harm having a look at the book."

Debrett's say the Guide for the Modern Gentleman is not meant to lecture, but to quietly inform. It's old-fashioned chivalry for the modern age dealt with in a light-hearted manner. For instance, the approach is typical when advising on the type of beachwear you should put on. Thongs should only be worn if you have "money, a private yacht, and lack of taste". You're aiming for the "Rod Stewart look" the guide advises, all the while trying to avoid "Borat comparisons".

And just to prove the guide is not without a realistic streak, in a section entitled "Eight Things Men Should Know About Women" the guide warns: "She will ask you if you fancy her best friend."

The solution? "Lie."

What not to do

Ties:Don't be extreme. Too wide and you look like a windsock, too narrow and you'll look like a country and western singer.

Buying underwear for her: Save suspender belts, teddies and items with intimate bits missing until you are very confident in your lingerie-purchasing skills and your knowledge of her tastes.

Beachwear: If you are large, don't wear skimpy swimming trunks. In fact, no matter what size you are, don't wear skimpy trunks. Not even ironically.

Business trips: Your boss is still your boss, even when he's in his trunks brandishing a cocktail. Be flexible and tolerate whatever situation you find yourself in, be it a strip club in Frankfurt, or a bathhouse in Istanbul.

Flowers: Mixed bouquets can look cheap. Never order cheap arrangements online; never buy bunches from the supermarket or the garage;