MIND MOVES:Dropping out of college was an enriching experience, writes BECCA KEEGAN
I HAD always thought that dropping out of college was a sign of weakness and laziness. But the past year in college – my first – has made me think again.
Shortly after I started, I realised that half the people I’d gone to school with had either not gone to college at all or had already dropped out. As if they had all been hit by some unavoidable epidemic.
I was determined to stay in college. When I began to dread Monday mornings, I reminded myself that at some stage everyone feels this way about going to work or college.
But after I had been feeling like that every day for a month, I began to wonder. What if I wasn’t just being lazy? What if I just really didn’t like my course? It got so bad that when I finished on Thursday afternoons for the weekend I was already so upset that I couldn’t enjoy my time off.
I struggled to make sense of what was happening. Maybe it was having to commute four hours a day; maybe it was the boring course work; or the fact that I was getting no sleep.
Before long I was having arguments with myself on a daily basis about leaving. One minute I would think “You’re so unhappy: just leave,” but the next minute I would remind myself “I don’t want to be a college drop-out; I’m stronger than this.” I didn’t want to be there but I didn’t want to seem weak, especially since I had been very angry with a friend who had left my same course after just a week without giving it a chance.
Back and forth it went, over and over, to a point where it started to ruin my whole life.
For about two weeks at the start of December I took nearly every day off college, and made up endless excuses. The only course requirement I never missed was a work placement on Fridays, which was near to where I lived. Except that one day I found myself not wanting to be there and becoming very uneasy. I sent a text to my mother asking her to ring me and say I had to come home to babysit.
Walking home from placement that day was when I decided I was not going back to college. Even though I had made the decision, I kept it to myself for another week while making up some more excuses to miss days.
The decision to leave gave me mixed feelings; I was relieved, but I was also disappointed and anxious about how other people would react.
My mother was very supportive when I finally plucked up the courage to tell her I wasn’t going back. She understood that I had not been myself the past few months. I know how lucky I am to have a family as supportive as mine. They always let me be myself and make the decisions I think are right.
I learned so much from the experience: not only by dropping out, but in the time that followed. I realised that sometimes people leave a job or a course because it’s having a negative impact on their mental health, not because it’s too hard or because they’re lazy. I also learned how difficult it can be to keep busy when I didn’t actually want to do anything. Thankfully there were nights out with my friends and hanging out in my nanny’s house with my family to keep me distracted.
I also realised that I did want to go back to college, but to do something different. I was still unsure of what I wanted to do with my life and that made choosing a new course very difficult.
Because I had been volunteering the previous year with two youth charities, I decided to try for a course in some way related to the work I had been doing there. So I applied for a youth and community work course, which I got accepted into and started last September.
It turned out that I loved the course and everything about it. I noticed that instead of taking days off, I was making an effort to be in every day even if I wasn’t feeling very well.
I was very lucky to find something I loved on only the second try. Some people never find anything they love doing and even though I’m still not sure where I will end up, I know I’m heading in the right direction.
At times I felt like I was wasting a year of my life but I’m grateful for the experience and I know it was part of my journey. I’ve learned that if you don’t make mistakes you can’t learn from them.
Becca Keegan is a youth adviser with Headstrong – The National Centre for Youth mental Health ( headstrong.ie).
Tony Bates is on leave.