When the honeymoon is over

Some 5 per cent of newlyweds are not happy, counselling service claims

THE WEDDING industry sells the ultimate emotional high - fairytale romance for the day of a lifetime.

Often, the high turns to a low before the honeymoon is over. Every year, at least 2,000 Irish newlyweds become deeply unhappy and when you count those who are merely suffering the inevitable mood dip after the elation of a wedding, the figure is probably far higher.

"It's natural for newlyweds to feel as down after the wedding as they felt elated before it. They're running on empty and their batteries are flat," says Lisa O'Hara, counsellor with the Marriage and Relationships Counselling Service (MRCS). "They're coming down from a highly emotional time. After the honeymoon when they return to their apartment exhausted, with huge financial debt and the same boring routine, many feel 'what now'?"

The couple's sex life may have ceased to exist because they redirected the energy they previously invested in sex into wedding preparations. On the wedding night itself, twin beds may not be out of the question and, even on the honeymoon, they may be too tired for romance. Around 50 per cent of marriages are not consummated on the wedding night, says O'Hara.

Newlywed ennui is so common, that it's acquired its own acronym - PNB (post nuptial blues). And an increasing number of newlyweds are seeking counselling to sort things out.

"I think the children of Ireland are waking up to the reality that in relationships, there are no givens," says John Farrelly, author of The Good Marriage Guide (Veritas) and director of counselling at Accord, the Catholic marriage and pre-marriage counselling service.

Some 5 per cent of newlyweds are unhappy, according to Accord research. That may not sound like a lot, but, as Farrelly,points out, there are 20,000 weddings every year involving 40,000 brides and grooms, which translates to 2,000 unhappy newlyweds annually. Not quite enough to merit their own post-wedding downer magazine, but enough for anyone who has PNB to know they're not alone.

The shock of being married is a factor. Says O'Hara: "There's a psychological change you experience when you say 'I do' because you've made a commitment to live together forever. How much have you thought about it, or have you drifted into it? Or it may be a bit like climbing Everest, you've achieved this high but now you don't know how to get back down to normal life."

In pre-marriage courses, MRCS counsellors warn couples: "Don't be surprised if you start feeling differently about each other."

O'Hara says that many newlyweds have subconscious ideas of what a husband or a wife is supposed to be, unspoken expectations that surface after the wedding.

These days, around 50 per cent of couples live together before marriage and often own a home together, yet the very fact of having a marriage certificate somehow alters their view of each other.

And after the wedding, there's one more mountain to climb: having babies. "Since I began counselling in 2000, I'm struck by the fact that a lot more couples are having babies quickly after marriage. For many couples, marriage is about the commitment to start a family," O'Hara says.

Increasingly, marriage is a couple's final task before parenthood. Bride and groom may begin to view each other as parents, rather than just lovers, without ever talking about their expectations of one another.

These expectations can take newlyweds into a place of primal fear. O'Hara explains that as babies, we expect our mothers to fulfil all our needs and when we realise that our mothers can let us down sometimes, we experience panic and anger.

Partners feel the same sense of panic when they feel let down by their "other half", even if they cannot articulate precisely how.

"Then the baby comes along and suddenly the couple finds that communications is limited, sex is limited or non-existent and there is a tendency for each to withdraw into him or herself, with very little warmth or connection," says O'Hara.

Couples tend to feel ashamed that marriage doesn't seem to be working out for them, which makes them less likely to turn to family and friends for support and advice.

Farrelly believes that this PNB can be avoided with thorough preparation before marriage and with full understanding of what the phrases "in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer" really mean.

For people who haven't lived together before, the shock can be acute in terms of daily routine. "It's not a separation issue, but it does cause tension," he says.

Farrelly is a firm believer in what he calls, "The Princess Phenomenon", in which the moody bride who has been tolerated, pampered and admired by all suddenly finds herself, after the accomplishment of the wedding, living in reality. The daily life of her marriage becomes her next project.

Not necessarily so for the groom, says Farrelly:

"The guy thinks that he's arrived. He's thinking, 'I'm married now, I can relax' and he goes on autopilot. The woman is expecting change, her life is just beginning. This is why we always try to impress on couples that marriage is a journey, not a destination."

Research by Accord has uncovered the particularly interesting fact that while the bride may be feeling dissatisfied, the groom tends to be oblivious. "For the man, the chase is finished and he goes into 'deep-freeze love'," says Farrelly. "After 10 years of marriage, the wife may look at the husband and ask, 'do you still love me?' and the husband's answer is to look at her quizzically and say, 'if there's any change, I'll let you know'."

Farrelly believes that seeking counselling in the first few years of marriage shows a "maturity of approach". The institution of marriage is in flux, he thinks: "We're a nation of people who are not necessarily happy with the status quo."

This is especially true for brides, he believes.

In 80 per cent of separations, the woman has initiated proceedings and men are having difficulty keeping up. "You are talking about a change in the female mindset. For women it's get married, grow, be happy. Men want those same things, but their emotional intelligence may lag behind."

Men are more likely to see marriage as the destination, rather than the departure lounge.

The traditional roles of wife and husband have changed, with many women looking at their own mothers and saying, "that's not going to happen to me", Farrelly adds.

"You can feel isolated and alone being married. Marriage is not a magic wand that will make you feel whole. After the beautiful wedding, you'll be back in the apartment and things will change.

"You've led a single life looking after your own property, safety, security and now you are taking a risk, putting all your eggs in one basket. Even the most happy events and beautiful experiences can cause stress and distance," says Farrelly.

So much for happily ever after. It's more a case of being happy as long as you work at it.