IN A previous article I explored the effects of saying yes too easily and too often. I would like to consider the other extreme of the yes/no equation, the excessive use of "no".
Living at either end of the yes/no spectrum can cause us major problems, limiting our experience of life, often causing immense unhappiness.
There are two stages of life where the exaggerated use of the word "no" are both understandable and important for the growth of personal autonomy.
Most parents know from experience that "no" is by far the most common word uttered by their offspring during the terrible twos. This practice is an important aspect of the child's process of separation from parents, towards the development of a separate, independent identity.
During adolescence, young people again resort to "no" as they strive for independence, identity and separation from parents. Both phases generally settle into a balanced usage of the yes/no equation once the person feels they have achieved what they set out to do.
However, some people continue to use "no" instinctively and excessively throughout their lives. A man in his mid-40s attended me, having been diagnosed five years earlier with depression. For as long as he could remember, he experienced ongoing very high levels of anxiety.
From an early age, he had major doubts about himself, his acceptability and his capability. Doubting his ability to cope with risk, uncertainty and change, as a young man he habitually said no to new ideas,
opportunities and experiences.
His confidence level had been so low that for him, the only way to feel safe and in control of his environment was to minimise his exposure to it. As he looks back now, he sees how this approach to life certainly protected him, but also greatly limited his capacity for growth and achieving his full potential in life. Out of fear, he said no when offered significant opportunities to develop his
considerable potential at sport.
He said no to many other opportunities in life, believing that he would not be able to cope with the risks involved. This pattern contributed significantly to his ongoing high anxiety levels and his diagnosis of
depression.
By instinctively and repeatedly saying no to opportunities, he unwittingly deprived himself of a crucial component of self-confidence and personal empowerment - the accumulation of an inner track record, an inner well of self-belief in one's ability to learn and grow by doing, a philosophy embraced by Maria Montessori in her approach to the education of young children.
Saying no in this manner over time resulted in the continuous erosion of his already tenuous belief both in himself and his ability to embrace change. It contributed to the gradual diminishing of his circles of life
and contact as the years passed.
This pattern became so ingrained over the years that it had become second nature to him. One of the key aspects of our work together has been for him to become far more aware of this habit on an ongoing basis in his life.
With his antennae now raised to notice this pattern when it occurs, he was taken aback by the frequency with which he employed it. He has committed to addressing this issue. When tackling habits of a
lifetime, it is often best to deal with them one step at a time, baby steps.
Changing one's response from the familiar "no" to "yes" is a daunting prospect, therefore accompanied by heightened anxiety initially. There is nothing wrong with introducing the concept of "maybe" or "perhaps I could" as a stepping stone in this process in the early stages.
Over a period of months, he has said yes to many possibilities to which he would previously have said no. The very fact that he has options regarding how he responds has been a revelation to him. Though he naturally still has a long way to go, he is excited and energised by the fact that he now sees himself, others and the world in a different light, an awakening which empowers him considerably. Provided he keeps this up, balancing the yes/no equation has the potential to transform
his experience of life.
Being able to say no to others when we need to is a key aspect of assertiveness, promoting autonomy, enhancing wellbeing, leading to more realness in relationships. We also need to know when to say no to
ourselves, when the situation requires that we prioritise the needs of others.
Balancing the yes/no equation is the key. When, like this man, we continuously say no to ourselves, we are the big losers, greatly restricting our possibilities in life. For many of us, this may appear to be the only way to get through life. But as this man is experiencing to his surprise, if we address this issue gently and gradually, our lives become more interesting and invigorating.
Our self-confidence and mental wellbeing increases. We feel more empowered. Anxiety diminishes.
New worlds gradually open up, richer in fulfilment and enjoyment than we
may ever have thought possible.
Dr Terry Lynch is a psychotherapist and GP in Limerick
