IT'S A DAD'S LIFE:THE LEAVES outside my window are turning gold. It can mean only one thing – the X Factoris in our lives, writes ADAM BROPHY
The X Factorstarted out as my sister-in-law's drug of choice. Laurie is 20 and special. She is the only person with special needs I know, and her take on reality has long been the barometer of sanity in our lives. There is no nuancing with Laurie – joy is joy, anger is anger.
She can move from one to the other at speed, and she has few qualms about expressing exactly how she is feeling at any given time. It’s a trait I admire greatly.
Cheryl Cole is her favourite X Factorjudge, but Simon, Louis and Dannii are also held in the highest esteem.
At the outset, it is hard to understand how positive feelings towards these people are possible, but a little time spent with Laurie changes that. She loves them. She doesn’t just like them, she really loves them.
She would leave us all and move in with Cheryl in the morning. Bad example, I’d do that myself, but you know what I mean.
She waits for her weekly instalment with breath caught in her throat. She hangs on each pronouncement and lives each performance. It’s not entertainment for her, it’s the pinnacle of living.
You can't be caught up in the whirlwind and not get involved. I survived a couple of seasons breezing around Laurie's life until one day, about two years ago, X Factortendrils reached out and drew me in.
Now, I quiz her on predictions for the winner, probe her on her favourite songs and press her for thoughts on the new format.
All as if I don’t care and I’m pandering to her interests. The reality is I need someone to talk to about this. She and I, we share the same fervour.
She insists on a weekly diet of Heatand Now!magazines to fill the void between X Factorweekends. These, too, are not for entertainment – they're educational. Lose focus for a minute and you might miss a Cowell/Cole/Walsh/Minogue- related incident out in the world.
We in the extended family regularly pick up her fix whenever we happen to be in a newsagent, to keep Laurie happy of course. Not to feed our own ever-growing hunger. I now visit the in-laws not as a matter of matrimonial duress, but for research.
Y’know, it wouldn’t be wrong to say that, thanks to real-time talent show freaks and preening, slimy, egomaniac judges, life has new meaning for me.
Laurie’s enthusiasm has spread. I am in the throes of addiction, the kids are getting there. They’re not as heavily involved yet, but it’s in the post. In drug terms, they’re smoking, but they haven’t touched a needle.
The missus is the only one possessed of a sort of steely detachment. As winter rolls in and the emotional drama intensifies, it may fall on her to keep our own show on the road as the TV one threatens to take control of every part of our lives.
I have no problem with this. Back in the day (the day being the 1980s) Dallaswas the glue that held my own family together. It was the fulcrum of our week, a single hour when all five of us would sit and wonder at JR's scheming, and myself and the old man would silently marvel at Pam's shapely thighs as she slid behind the wheel of that Mercedes SL.
Dallas, Mikado biscuits and milky tea. The cornerstone of the 1980s family. Now it's the X Factor. The missus jokes she's entering next year. I'm seriously considering it. I rock, in case you didn't know.
I tried out a version of Jet's Are You Gonna Be My Girl?on the elder. It included air guitar, facial contortions and some bending of knee. She told me it was good but needed work.
“Are you really going to enter, Dad?” she asked.
“I think so. It could be our key to fame and fortune.”
“Please don’t,” she said.
For a minute she looked upset, proper upset. She wouldn’t tell me why. I had to wheedle it out of her.
“It’s just if Simon said ‘No’, I’d be sad for you.”
Ah, and there is the difference. Back in the day, you didn’t get to take part in a storyline with Bobby, Sue Ellen and Miss Ellie. They performed while you watched.
Now it’s the other way round. And my daughter doesn’t want to see me hurt by any kind of pantomime villain.
I still think though, with a little tweaking, Laurie and I could rock the party.