Many couples whose relationships have broken down are being forced to share a home because neither partner can afford to move out, writes CHARLIE TAYLOR
THERE HAS BEEN a sharp rise in the numbers of couples who have split up but are having to continue living together because they can’t afford to fully separate, according to support organisations.
Groups which provide counselling for couples say they are struggling to cope with a massive increase in people seeking assistance from them, and claim that even relationships which would typically be able to successfully weather any storm are struggling as a result of the recession.
With the property market at a standstill and the number of people losing their jobs continuing to rise, many couples are finding it difficult to keep their relationship on an even footing, even if they have yet to feel the full impact of the downturn.
Support organisations say they are attempting to cope with the rise in requests for help from couples in crisis by offering additional programmes, but have warned that the situation may worsen as the recession continues.
They also contend that there is little, if any, real support for couples who are in the process of ending their relationships but find themselves forced to stay together for financial reasons.
“Financial stress and the subsequent problems that come from worrying about money have become more of an issue for many couples who are struggling to adjust to having less money,” says Lisa O’Hara, a counsellor with Marriage and Relationship Counselling Services (MRCS).
“Some of the couples who are seeking help may not even have been made redundant, but their jobs might well be under threat, which is causing them concern. In many relationships right now, tolerance levels are down while stress levels are up,” she says.
“In families there are roles which everyone plays and someone’s identity may be caught up in their role which may have changed dramatically. For some of those who have lost their job, or even worry that they may do so, there is often a sense of loss and with that goes anger, feelings of rejection and anxiety.
“Such emotions leave people feeling powerlessness and defensive which can contribute to problems in relationships.’’
MRCS has responded to the demand for assistance through the launch of a new programme entitled “Minding your Relationship in a Recession”, which offers couples a one-off counselling session, allowing them to find the space to talk about the impact of the downturn on their relationship and the family unit as a whole.
“The idea of the programme is to help couples to think about the resources they have and to look at how they have got through difficult times before, and help them focus a little bit on how to manage the situation they find themselves in,” says O’Hara.
“Many of the couples presenting to us feel powerless and vulnerable, so this is aimed at assisting them to take a bit of control back, and to strengthen what they have already, so that they can get through the situation. Some relationships are really starting to wobble and we’re hopeful that this might ensure that they don’t tumble,’’ she says.
Some support agencies are concerned that relationship problems are only just beginning to surface, and that things may well get worse in the not too distant future.
“Judging from previous recessions, marital discord often doesn’t really truly emerge straight away,” says Des Farrelly of the Cork Marriage Counselling Centre.
“There may be a bit of redundancy money around to help people manage, and perhaps mortgage protection insurance as well. But when the money starts to run out, an element of hopelessness can quickly creep in, which can then create huge difficulties for families,” he says.
“Family are usually able to develop a mechanism which allows them to deal with a crisis and brings them closer together, but if they haven’t worked out ways to deal with issues then a major crisis such as unemployment can really tear them apart,” says Farrelly.
“What makes things particularly tough right now is that when there was the Celtic Tiger if couples split up there was at least some money around to help them back on their feet again, but that’s all gone now,’’ he adds.
Accord, the Catholic marriage care service, says it has also witnessed a significant rise in the number of couples attending counselling as a result of financial pressures and the impact of unemployment, and is preparing a new programme to help those under stress find practical ways to cope.
Recently released figures from the agency reveal a huge rise in the number of couples attending counselling for recession-related problems between 2007 and this year.
The number of Accord clients identifying finances as a problem affecting their marriages rose from just 20 per cent for the whole of 2007 to 31 per cent for the first six months of 2009.
Accord, which provided more than 30,000 counselling sessions last year, says that in 2007, just 3.9 per cent of its clients were unemployed, a figure which rose to 7.5 per cent at the end of the first quarter of this year.
The statistics show that men have been particularly affected. In the first quarter of 2007, only 4 per cent of males attending counselling at the agency were unemployed, but this almost tripled to 11.5 per cent for the first quarter of 2009.
Anne Coleman of Accord’s specialist marriage education service says that increasing stress, caused by reduced incomes, higher taxes, unemployment and the decline in property prices is taking its tolls on couples.
“There are an awful lot of people who don’t know where to go – they’re in a twist. Some people have no idea that there are options for them, that there is help out there,” says Coleman.
“They feel like if they are made unemployed that that will be the end of them because the recession is so bad and obviously the knock-on effect of this on the family can be devastating.”
As part of its efforts to respond to the need from clients for help, the service is running a series of free evenings under the “Take Heart” banner which are intended to offer practical advice to people struggling as a result of the recession.
The programme, which focuses on areas such as loss and planning for change, is aimed at showing attendees that they do have options. Among the organisations who will have stands at the evenings are Money Advice and Budgeting Service (Mabs), Fás and the Irish National Organisation of the Unemployed (INOU).
“We are in no way trying to lessen the fact that some people are in a dreadful situation right now, but the evenings are meant to show that while things may be tough there are also opportunities for people to upskill,” adds Coleman.
For some people, the programmes and workshops offered by support organisations may be well meaning, but unfortunately they come too late. Many agencies say they are witnessing an increase in the number of couples choosing to end their relationships.
While they are hesitant to solely ascribe the breakdowns to the recession, some say that financial difficulties have served to heighten problems that may have already existed.
While relationship breakdowns are always hard, economic difficulties mean that in some situations, former couples are having no choice but to continue living together, a scenario which is damaging for all concerned, particularly if there are children involved.
“There are a number of people who have separated but are continuing to stay in the same household and the feedback we’ve received suggests that those who are in this situation feel they have no support at all,” says O’Hara.
“This is a devastating place to be because it is very difficult to separate emotionally if you can’t separate physically. You cannot properly mourn the end of the relationship or consider beginning a new one while the other person remains present, and there are a whole lot of other boundary issues that need to be negotiated,’’ she adds.
While support agencies are doing their bit to help couples in crisis, many are concerned about their own futures as funding becomes more of an issue. Most have gone on record to voice their opposition to abolishing the Family Support Agency (FSA) as recommended in the recent McCarthy report.
“A decision to abolish the FSA would make it more difficult for voluntary organisations to assist couples and would mean that those people who are already in a difficult situation would be left with very little support to help them get through the crisis they find themselves in,’’ says Farrelly.