'Mammy's gone to heaven'

A mother's death must be discussed and aired for the grieving child if they are to move on with their own lives

YOU SHOULD never judge a book by its cover. Then again, some covers speak volumes - and the photograph on the cover of Anne Tracey's new book is one of them. It's a holiday snap taken on a beach. In the middle distance two kids are paddling, supervised by their mum. Standing much closer to the camera is a third child. She has a bucket in one hand and a spade in the other, but she is totally still, her little arms spread at an unnatural angle.

The image is familiar, yet oddly disorienting - highly appropriate for a book about the impact which the death of a mother can have on a young child.

"The emotional wound that comes with the early loss of a mother is very, very deep," says Tracey, a lecturer in the school of psychology at the University of Ulster and long-time bereavement counsellor.

"It impacts at all sorts of levels. It filters into every single part of life - school, relationships, milestones such as birthdays and anniversaries. Everything is affected."

The book is based on a study in which 26 Irish women, most of them from the North, talk about their experiences. The women ranged in age from 25 to 77; all had lost their mothers between birth and the age of 11.

Tracey discovered that, although their stories were very different - one mother died in childbirth, another in a car crash, while a third was shot dead in her own back yard - they all agreed on one crucial point. "Mothers became a closed subject in their lives," she says, "because there was such a silence over the loss. It wasn't talked about.

"As children they bottled up a lot of feelings because they had no idea what to do with them. And those feelings led to a lot of fear, worry and anxiety because nobody explained what had happened to their mammy."

The problem is compounded when "life goes on"; a child who has not properly come to terms with early mother loss is in no position to deal with subsequent life changes such as a new school, a new house or a new step-parent.

Although there is a wealth of literature on early mother loss in the UK, US, Israel and Australia, this is the first book on the topic to be published in Ireland, according to Tracey. She hopes it will give healthcare professionals, teachers and those who work in the social services an insight into the world of bereaved children.

She believes it's also important to document this grief, which our culture has never expressed. "It gives a voice to women whose bereavement has been, in a sense, disenfranchised," she says.

"I hope I've managed to highlight the depth and breadth of their experiences. Some of the stories were very touching - particularly of daughters who suffered violence and beatings or who felt that there were, maybe, different rules for them and their step-siblings."

But she doesn't set out to point the finger of blame. She recognises that adults try to protect children from pain by keeping them away from mothers who are very ill, or by not bringing them to the funeral.

"Of course it's a family decision as to whether a child goes to a funeral or a wake - but if the child is kept away they may not fully understand what's happening. The child is subject to what the family imposes on it, in a way. They don't have much choice. But the child needs a choice. It's unimaginable, to some of us, that the person who gave birth to you cannot be talked about."

Talking about grief is, of course, difficult at any time but the death of a young mother throws family rhythms and relationships into total disarray.

The bereaved father is himself struggling to come to terms with the death; other family members want to help, but are fearful of doing more harm than good. It's probably no accident that Tracey's interest in the subject of early bereavement was piqued by her own family history. Her grandmother died when her mother was six; her father also lost his mother when he was just 14.

Tracey says the traditional formulas which are offered to very young children are, at best, inadequate. For example, a toddler may be told that her mother has "gone to heaven to be with the angels".

This simply raises a further series of questions in the child's mind. Why does mammy want to be away in heaven instead of here with me? Is heaven a more beautiful place than here? How long do people stay there? When will she be back?

There is no ideal way for a family to deal with the devastation of early mother loss. But the best approach, Tracey insists, is to explain what has happened simply and clearly, in age-appropriate language.

For some children, the death of a pet may provide a reference point for grief and loss; for others the explanation may be centred on how the body works, pointing out that the heart stops, the organs no longer function and so on. "Children have a right to know," she says. "And they need accurate information if they are to learn to trust."

• Surviving the Early Loss of a Mother: Daughters Speakby Anne Tracey is published by Veritas at €10.95