Up to the age of six or seven, gender is not usually a defining factor in friendships. Girls and boys play happily in both mixed and same-gender groups.
"This peaceful co-existence doesn't last for very long," writes Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer in her new book Making Sense of Your Child's Friendships.
“By the age of seven or eight, and certainly by nine, girls and boys have become more sensitive and more loyal to their gender, largely because this is the time all children recast their identity and accept their gender as a defining feature.”
A strong “us and them” divide develops and they tend to take on the stereotypical characteristics of their gender.
“Only when their hormones kick in to clarify their differences, and they feel thoroughly comfortable with their new identity, will girls and boys be able to get back together,” she says.
“So if you are worried that your daughter has become a pea brain, obsessed with painting her nails, celebrity boy bands or creating hair styles when friends come over, to the exclusion of almost everything else; or if you are anxious that your 10-year-old son has morphed into a lout, aping the manners of macho street culture when milling around with his mates, don’t be. It won’t last!
“This phase is generally temporary and the child you thought you had will reappear after a while.”
Eight-year-old Rachel Seaman includes Ben Condell, also eight, among her circle of BFFs (Best Friends Forever), at St Andrew’s National School in Lucan, Co Dublin.
“In a couple of years things may change,” says her mother, Karen, but with two much older brothers, aged 21 and 18, Rachel is very sociable with everybody, young and old.
With no young children living close to their home outside Celbridge, Co Kildare, playdates have to be arranged. It’s noticeably different when Ben is over to play, compared with when it’s some of Rachel’s other friends.
When it’s girls together, “you know they are going to have umpteen arguments during the afternoon and you just let them get on with it. I try not to interfere,” says Karen. “There’s none of that with Ben.”
He and Rachel would be out in the garden exploring, setting up dens and camps, explains Karen. They are also both big into the story of the Titanic at the moment, reading about it and making models – but they have only seen snippets of the film so they are not re-enacting the Kate Winslet-Leonardo Di Caprio moment at the bow of the ship!
If Rachel has a girl friend over, the play is more likely to involve putting music on and singing and dancing.
Although boys and girls have different styles of play and friendships, friends are equally important to both sexes for affirmation, identity and safety.
“Girls generally make a bigger fuss about their friendships and are more worried about whether they’re in or out of favour,” says Hartley-Brewer. “But boys love and need their friends just as much and value similar qualities – reliability, trust, loyalty and kindness. It does not follow that boys’ looser style of play leads to looser bonds.”
Finally, don’t worry if your child’s behaviour doesn’t seem to fit a gender mould, she adds. Any distress you feel about unexpected behaviour could be your problem rather than the child’s.