THAT'S MEN:People vary in the amount of space they need, writes PADRAIG O'MORAIN
THEY JOGGED along the South Circular Road in full running gear, a man and woman in their 20s. Nothing unusual about that except that as they jogged they held hands. It was an unusual display of togetherness – the sort you usually only get in the first flush of infatuation.
As a curmudgeon, my first reaction was, that won’t last long – he’ll be disengaging his hand as soon as he can get away with it. My second reaction was that it was extremely sexist, genderist, etc of me to assume that she and not he had initiated the hand holding.
Whoever initiated it, they were right up there with a couple I have mentioned before and whom I observed eating a burger and fries off the same plate.
They, I have to say in contradiction of my theory about infatuation, were wearing wedding rings and seemed to have been married long enough to dress the same way – their clothes were woolly and they gave a general impression of woolliness like two sheep who had decided to take themselves off to Captain America’s for the afternoon.
I don’t know why two obviously married people were behaving like this. Perhaps they had been to a workshop on rejuvenating your relationship.
I realise I may need some therapy around this whole issue of closeness, but I am one of these people who needs space and who would cringe at the thought of jogging along the street while holding hands with my nearest and dearest.
People vary in the amount of space they need. According to Dr William Glasser’s Reality Therapy, we have a genetic need for both belonging and freedom, thereby setting the scene for conflict.
Two people with a high need for belonging might indeed hold hands while jogging and eat their dinner off the same plate (yuck!), while two people with a high need for freedom might take their holidays separately and even spend their evenings in separate rooms.
But Mother Nature, I am afraid, has a way of hitching us up with our opposites, so that one can “complete” the other – the psychobabble explanation – or, more likely I reckon, to provide a varied mix of genes for the offspring.
So then the awkward question arises: how do you organise your life so that one gets enough belonging and the other gets enough freedom?
I’m afraid this can be a messy affair, involving fighting and sulking, leading eventually to one of a number of outcomes. These can include each one tolerating the other, the subjugation of one by the other or the break-up of the relationship.
Life would be better, I suppose, if we all enjoyed holding hands and jogging at the same time, but unfortunately Mother Nature is an even worse curmudgeon than I am – so no joy.
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Should gay men delay disclosing their sexuality to avoid being stereotyped? The answer probably depends on ethics, situation and other factors, but a small experiment reported in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychologysuggests that timing matters.
Heterosexual men were asked to listen to an audio tape of an interview with a man they were told they would meet as part of an experiment in social interaction. In some cases, the man mentioned early on that he was gay; in others he made his disclosure at the end.
Heterosexual men who heard the disclosure early on felt more negative to this man and to gay people generally than those for whom the disclosure was delayed. It was as though the early disclosure meant the rest of the interview was judged in terms of the man’s sexuality.
Knowing something about the man before the disclosure that he was gay seemed to greatly reduce prejudice and stereotyping.
Researchers David Buck and Ashby Plant at Florida State University said they hoped their findings would not encourage gay men to conceal their sexuality but that it would “help to advance a culture in which people will not feel the need to hide”.
Padraig O'Morain (pomorain@ireland.com) is a counsellor accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His book, Light Mind – Mindfulness for Daily Living– is published by Veritas. His mindfulness newsletter is free by e-mail.