ASK THE EXPERT:A change of carer in your child's life can be a dramatic event for them, writes DAVID COLEMAN
I HAVE a two and a half year old daughter who has been with an amazing childminder since she was six months old. Unfortunately, she can’t continue so I am starting her in a creche two days and phasing her in to full-time care over one month. She had incredible freedom and was part of the family in the childminder’s house. I am very worried that she will be upset by this change. How can I make the adjustment as easy as possible for her?
It is great when our children experience really consistent and warm care. There is no doubt that they benefit from the security of regular rhythms and having their needs met in a loving way. Whenever we have to introduce a change to that care we can expect that it will disrupt them somewhat.
Change usually brings uncertainty and it is this uncertainty that can raise anxiety in our children. At two and half years old it is unlikely that your daughter will be able to express her worry or anxiety effectively and so she is much more likely to show you, through her behaviour, that she feels disrupted.
It may be that you will see increased clinginess or tantrums. It may be that her sleeping or eating will become unsettled. However, any such disruption to her behaviour is likely to be temporary.
As she becomes settled with the staff in the creche and begins to find the rhythm of the creche day it will give her an increased sense of security and comfort.
No doubt you have chosen the creche carefully and you are confident in the people who are there who will be providing care for your daughter.
Many carers who work in creches have long experience of children and will anticipate that a toddler will experience an adjustment while they settle into the creche environment.
It sounds like you and the creche have a good plan in place to make the transition easier for your daughter. By allowing her shorter visits, initially, she can get used to the creche and the people working there so that it isn’t such a great shock to her system.
Hopefully the creche can provide one person who can be consistently there for your daughter in those initial stages to allow her to make a strong attachment to a secure and constant figure.
Even if the shift pattern of the creche doesn’t allow for the same person to be available, the strong routine and rhythm of the day in the creche may well be enough to give your daughter that sense of security.
The other factor in change is that when change is thrust upon us we can often resist it strongly. Because your daughter did not choose to move from her childminder to the creche, she may put up a protest to indicate her unhappiness that the change is even occurring.
If this kind of protest occurs, it is most likely that it will be shown by a reluctance to go into the creche or by other signs of acute separation anxiety (such as major distress every time you bring her in to the creche and try to leave yourself). If this occurs, don’t panic!
Stick to your plan and have faith in the creche staff that they will be able to offer the comfort and understanding to your daughter to help her to regulate these distressing emotions.
Any protest at the change in her circumstances is also likely to be short-lived and will diminish as she begins to settle and to realise that the creche can be fun too.
Alongside the planning for the physical transition, you can support your daughter emotionally by recognising that she is experiencing a big change. Once you recognise that this is a turbulent time for her, you will be understanding of any changes in her behaviour.
It would be great to be flexible, if work allows, to be available for your daughter if she needs that extra bit of support. This is very much a temporary arrangement just during the transition from one carer to another.
You can empathise with her (even at age two and a half) and name the worry or the anxiety that you guess she might be feeling about settling into the new care environment and also having to say goodbye to her previous carer.
So if you do see disturbed behaviour such as the emergence of tantrums or unsettled sleep then talk to her about the fact that it can be hard to meet new people and to get used to a new place. Guess out loud to her, and on her behalf, that it can be upsetting to miss her old carer and that life might seem a bit more unpredictable for a short while.
Remember too that she does still have the constancy of you, her dad and her home. Because these things don’t change, you may find that this provides her with the consistency she needs and so the transition may, in fact, not be troublesome at all.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster with RTÉ television
Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. E-mail questions to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com