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MEDICAL MATTERS: "The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease"– Voltaire
IN DEFERENCE to Voltaire and in the time-honoured tradition of the column after the August bank holiday, this week’s Medical Matters is devoted to another batch of medical jokes. Enjoy!
- A man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”
“There’s something wrong with my penis,” he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”
“Why not?” he asked.
The receptionist replied, “You’ve embarrassed people in this waiting room. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.” The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”
“I can’t pee out of it,” he replied.
- At an 80-year-old woman’s next check-up, her new doctor told her to bring in all the medications that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realised she had a prescription for the pill.
The young doctor said, “Mrs Smith, do you realise these are contraceptive pills?”
“Yes, they help me sleep at night,” she replied.
“Mrs Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep,” said the doctor.
The lady then reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee and said, “Yes dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old grand-daughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”
- Then there was the 85-year- old couple who had been married for 60 years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
They were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
But their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare foreign holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to heaven.
They reached the pearly gates and St Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to heaven. This will be your home now.”
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in heaven . . .”
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
“What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man.
“This is heaven,” St Peter replied. “You can play free, every day.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
“Don’t even ask,” said St Peter to the man. “This is heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
“That’s the best part,” St Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is heaven!”
The old man pushed: “No testing my urine for sugar or checking blood pressure . . .”
“Never again. All you have to do here is enjoy yourself.”
The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your bloody bran flakes. We could have been here 10 years ago.”