IRELAND'S EU Commissioner, Mr Padraig Flynn, yesterday assured a British audience that "red buses, the rules of cricket, the pint of beer, prawn crisps, and the round strawberry" were all quite safe.
Mr Flynn, who is fighting an uphill struggle against British government opposition to his social policy plans, said there was nothing to fear from Brussels.
"Haven't slow and steady progress in social policy and our achievements in employment policy put paid to the idea that the social chapter is a socialist Darth Vader intent on the destruction of employers?
"The agreement on social policy is a device, not a sinister plan to terminate businesses."
Mr Flynn, addressing an EU social policy seminar in London, said the aim was to allow the EU to make progress on social legislation, even if the UK wanted to lock itself out of the legal coverage.
The plan was for greater use of qualified majority voting, but with unanimous agreement still required for EU-wide legislation on sensitive areas such as social security.
Even more sensitive issues - such as pay, the right of association, the right to strike and lock-outs - were beyond the scope of EU laws altogether.
"The extent to which the social chapter is being used to spread fear and loathing of the Union by tabloid coverage in this country is mysterious.
"I know that simple-minded and flatulent rhetoric has a commercial value in terms of selling copies. But it is the rhetoric that is a destructive and negative force, not European social policy."
He went on: "The `Euro myth' of the British tabloid press has suggested unnecessary worries on the part of their editors about a continuing supply of nursery food, virility and adequate sanitary arrangements.
"British toilets were reported as being under threat from cheaper, less acceptable Spanish and French models. The navy would be banned from using wooden oars to stir their Christmas puddings. All fishing vessels would have to carry condoms. Fishermen would be forced to wear hairnets. Saucy seaside postcards would be banned. Pizzas, astonishingly integrated into the British diet, would be standardised. Valentine cards would be banned."
The Commissioner declared: "Please be reassured. This is plain rubbish. Red buses, the rules of cricket, the pint of beer, prawn crisps, the round strawberry - they are all quite safe." Mr Flynn said the social chapter was not "the late 20th-century version of the Black Death".