Name: Saint Valentine.
Born: Italy, in the first century. Probably.
Died: Italy. In the first century. Probably.
Location of remains: Sticky one that.
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Why in the news: Tomorrow is the 14th of February. You know, Valentine's Day? I can't believe you forgot. I hate you. You unromantic moron. Sleep on the sofa, etc, etc, etc.
Most Likely to Say: Roses are red, violets are blue . . .
Least Likely to Say: What's love got to do with it?