When Dad reigns through terror

The exhortation not to "upset your father" is different to the one discussed last week: "For peace sake don't upset your mother". Generally speaking, not upsetting your father is a clever, protective means of not provoking his aggression.

I deliberately say aggression rather than anger because anger is a powerful feeling that cannot hurt anyone, but aggression is an action that can have devastating effects on those children and adults who are on the receiving end.

Anger is a feeling that gives you energy to mobilise your own intellectual, emotional and social resources. Then, you can take responsibility for and act to safeguard any of your rights that are being violated.

Aggression is a verbal, non-verbal or physical action that attempts to force others to meet your needs. Depending on its frequency, intensity and persistence over time, it can trigger equally intensive reactions of terror, fear, passivity, suicide, counter-aggression and murder.

The "don't cross me" prohibition in not just found in homes; but in classrooms, workplaces, communities and on sports fields. Such behaviour can reveal a deep vulnerability to rejection on the part of those who perpetrate the aggression. Nevertheless, its effects can shatter the lives of children, spouses, families, communities and society in general.

When male aggression and dominance is present in homes, it is frequently the case that the female partner colludes with it by "keeping the peace", over-pleasing, being passive and encouraging the children to engage in the same sad protective ploy. The result is that the only voice that is heard in the family is father's.

The inner voice of truth that is within each other member of the family gradually becomes weaker or is totally silenced. Individuality and creativity are suppressed and father's voice must not be contradicted.

The "peace" that is attained through generating fear is a pseudo-peace. No one in the family is at peace, least of all the father. For real peace, each member of any social system must be valued, respected, treated as an equal. He or she must be allowed to express his or her innate individuality and difference.

The mother in a family held to ransom by the father's aggression has a responsibility to herself and to her children to find help and support to confront her partner's dark behaviour.

Thankfully, more and more women are asserting their right for real peace in relationships. However, in some situations, the risks can be great, not only to the woman, but also to the children. It is for this reason that the social and legal structures to protect people from emotional and physical intimidation have to be strong, accessible and compassionate. Too often such structures fail in their social brief.

The father who wields the weapon of aggression has hidden fears, even terrors and, subconsciously, needs someone to confront his untenable behaviour. Like us all, he needs to be seen and valued for himself, but he seriously doubts his worth. He requires help and support to resolve his co-dependency on his partner, children and others. Such a process is only possible when he begins to accept his protective aggression is a means of immature control of others and to access his own worth.

It is not often acknowledged that while couples are likely to form a co-dependent liaison, parents too tend to create a co-dependency with their children. So, the father who aggressively forces his children to conform to his ways and values is dependent on them for recognition.

In order to survive, the children wisely yield to his control and, more often than not, continue to do so into adulthood sometimes even into old age.

Some children rebel during their adolescent years. There are young people who may physically and verbally "beat-up" the parent who mistreated them. It is in this context that the saying "like father, like son" has poignant meaning. However, the young person's rebelliousness maintains the co-dependency, as the aim is still an attempt, through aggressive means, to gain the father's recognition. Thus the cycle of aggression is perpetuated, not because of genetics, but because nobody within the family, across the generations, has resolved the source of aggression.

Salvation for those young adults who have been victims of an over-powering parent is to break the cycle of co-dependency by moving towards independence and love of self. When you find the solid ground of your own vast and sacred interiority, nobody can exclude, exile, demean or lessen your presence. Salvation for children entrapped with a father who employs aggression rests with the other significant adults in their lives to take the actions required to confront the threatening situation and protect children from violations of their physical, emotional, social and spiritual rights.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of The Family: Love it and Leave it