THERE IS A MYTH that young people do not suffer or grieve when someone in their family dies. They may continue to listen to their stereos or play away quietly in the corner. You may think they are unaffected by what has happened, that they don't feel the upset or pain around them.

Young people are just like other people. They simply may not know how to express what they are feeling. Youth is no barrier against grief.

Therese Brady of the Irish Hospice Foundation who spoke at a recent gathering of guidance counsellors in Dublin on "Counselling the Bereaved Adolescent", stresses the need for adults to recognise that young people are affected by grief - and that adults do not help when they try to hide the truth.

"A child can be resentful if everybody knows and he or she doesn't," Brady says. Young people "need you to be honest and open. Once you enter into lies, you shut them out. Try to see what the child's questions are. They will very often know a lot more than you think they do."

Schools and teachers have a major role to play in helping young people who have suffered bereavement, she says. "In the family of the bereaved, everybody is emotionally drained. The school offers a sense of security." With teachers, she explains, young people don't have to be afraid of saying the wrong thing. Often teachers don't know about a death in a student's family. It is important, she stresses, that they are informed for all sorts of reasons.

According to Brady, there must be an "awareness of how a death in the family can impact on children's learning, of how they react emotionally". "Many people believe that children are not really aware of what's going on." In fact, she says, children's fantasies can be "much worse" than the reality. For example, when adults use euphemisms such as "she's gone to sleep" or "he's passed away" children may be scared to "go to sleep" in case this means death. They are afraid when their mother goes to sleep that she might "pass away".

Another danger is that "parents' own grief can block them from their children's grief" - especially when the latter is "expressed in ways that are not often realised".

Young people, she explains, grieve intermittently - in short bursts.

Her advice to those dealing with young people who have suffered loss is to stay with rather than avoid the bereaved; help them to accept the reality; discuss what has happened; accept feelings of anger, guilt and blame; reinforce the belief in their ability to come through.

CHILDREN, like adults, "need to be allowed to grieve", she says. "If it's not dealt with it can lead to all sorts of consequences. Try to be in touch with the young person, with the issues that they may have, spend time with them," she advises. On the other hand, adults must accept that sometimes young people can relate better to a peer.

When death happens during adolescence, which is a time of development and deep inner questioning and philosophising, she believes that teenagers can often "shut you out". They are very self conscious and being bereaved alienates them. "They don't want to be made different," she says.

"With teenagers, you don't put them under pressure to tell you how they feel." There are physical signs when a young person is grieving - pains, headaches, bed wetting, clinging. There are also emotional, behavioural, social and learning signs, which are not always easy to identify.

Even with adults, the way they express grief can be unpredictable. The sorrow can hit people six months down the line. Children, Brady says, can "come in and out of that sadness". She cautions: "We're often too quick to remove the memories. People need to gradually let go from these."