Back to school

`Would I Say `yes' if he wanted to do another four-year course? Absolutely not, no way," says Sheila.

When Sheila's husband wanted to go back to college at night to do a four-year degree course four years ago, the couple discussed the issue. The pros were that getting this degree could be good for his career - and he would enjoy doing it. The cons were the strain his extra commitment might put on family life - they have four children.

Four years later, Sheila - who does part-time shift work herself - can't wait for his last exam to be over later this month. They and their children found the four years much tougher than anticipated.

"Once you've made the decision to support them, you can't whinge, you just get on with it," she says. But "getting on with it" meant, effectively, shouldering pretty much all of the burdens of family life herself, from helping children with homework and doing all the "chauffeuring" to taking her little girl out at weekends to keep the house quiet.

For four years, her husband had lectures on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays from 6 to 9 p.m.; thus he would leave the house at 7.30 a.m. for work, arriving home at 9.45 p.m. He had to study at home on Monday nights, weekend mornings and Sunday nights.

The children - ranging in age from 14 down to six - "do and don't understand", says Sheila. The youngest minds his absences the least - because she grew up not expecting him to be around. The older ones, two boys and a girl, often want him, sometimes for help with homework, sometimes just to talk to and play with - "and he's either not around, or has to study. They'll pass smart remarks."

The strain mounted: Sheila had to work at weekends for part of this time, and for two night-time shifts during the week, and the strain mounted. If there were problems with the children, she found herself not discussing them with her husband "because he was too tired". Now both of them wonder if it was worth it. "He wouldn't want to do it again. It was a very tough four years, an awful lot out of his life."

THOUSANDS OF ADULTS, mothers as well as fathers, are going back to part-time education for personal fulfilment, career advancement - sometimes simply to keep up in an competitive work environment.

Of course, "part-time" often simply means that they are doing a full-time third-level course at night while holding down a full-time job during the day. But even a less demanding course can put strains on a family - especially a family where parents have had lots of time for each other and the children.

That more benign life is what Maeve, her husband and three children under 10 enjoyed - until last year, when he embarked on a one-year course to broaden his technical skills. The work is done by "distance learning", and tutorials are just one morning a month, on a weekday. But he has to study two or three nights a week and at least one weekend morning or afternoon.

"I feel I have to stop the kids annoying him. They do understand, but they miss him," says Maeve. "It's `Oh Daddy, you're not going to do homework again, are you?' "

Maeve works full-time in the home, and hasn't got used to the idea that her husband is "in the house, but he's not there".

In fairness, she says, "he does try his best, and will do his work late at night if the children are upset or want him." The worst part of the year was coming up to February exams, when he had to work most nights to prepare. He'll have to do the same this month, "but there's light at the end of the tunnel, and three months' breathing space before he decides if he'll carry on with the course next year." Part of the problem, Maeve says, was that they didn't anticipate what his course would involve. Next year, if he goes ahead, "we'd all be more prepared. When you're going in blind, it's a big change."

It would be a mistake to see this as a mother's problem: like fathers, Many mothers - often mothers already working full-time outside the home - take on third-level courses at nights and weekends. There are courses which involve working all Friday night, all day Saturday and going to tutorials during the week. It can place a tremendous strain on parents and children, even if it's rewarding for the parent involved. But Frances Fitzgerald TD, Fine Gael's spokesperson on equality, says it would be wrong to see this trend as "a problem".

"I do believe that happy parents make happy children," she says. The issue of parents working at night is like the issue of a woman going back to full-time work, she suggests; families get used to one lifestyle, change can be difficult and there can be a lot of resentment on the part of the parent "left behind".

But children can cope, she says. "It's never easy to explain to them when you're limiting their options, but basically if both parents adapt, they can adapt too. "Of course there have to be limits," she agrees. "In working life, parents deal with this all the time. And you have to avoid the `sanctification' of the person studying. The partner not studying shouldn't have to sacrifice everything."

Just as some parents might use work as an excuse for escaping some of the demands of family life, others might use study. The point is that the partner providing the support has to be acknowledged - and his or her need for extra support or time out should be addressed.

"That means planning," Fitzgerald says, "not taking the other partner for granted. If the children are very young - say, under six - you have to ask `Is this the most appropriate time to do this?' And a couple would really have to address the issue of `Who is this development for?' Is it for one partner only? What are the assumptions about, say, a husband's future prospects and a wife's future life? The point is, there can be an unfair balance."