ELGY GILLESPIEtakes two girls, who are theme-park aficionados, to Disney World to see it all through their eyes
DISNEY ISN’T meant for sour old moi but I wonder at the gorgeous naivety of parents who come to Disney World. Yes, they’re there for their kids, in spades. But why don’t they research ahead?
Why don’t they anticipate the elder abuse? Not the usual kind. I’m talking about cruelty inflicted by Babezillas and tots not yet open to rational discourse, who shout, “Carry me!” before noon in 40 degrees of Florida humidity and whose appetite for pizza is pitiless.
Testiness in tropical torpor with long waits? Recent immersion in the “Happiest Place On Earth” showed how brilliantly Disney senior arranged transport, marketing, snaking lines, crowd and thought control.
Kid control is tougher. Walt consulted The Hungry Caterpillar for this recipe, because all four parks, even Epcot, heave with one and two year-olds. Pity those women on the point of parturition with toddlers.
Couragio!Here's a survival guide for kids of all ages, plus tips from Disney fans Malaya Downey (10) and Aoife Cahalin of Dublin, oldest sister of four.
Birth to two: Magic Kingdom
Fantasyland and Tomorrowland work for babies; the dinkiness of Main Street and old-timey rides put it well inside their comfort zones. But two moms in line for It’s A Small World, with yelling toddlers, confessed they’d sworn secrecy about their trip, hoping to dump junior with gran but the older kids split on them, so here they are, in line again.
Oh how I wanted to put their toddlers into a passing gondola and send them anywhere. Wait - this is the ride to everywhere. It’s A Small World is cunningly designed to put pissed-off infants out like a light. At glacial pace, you float past dolls in national costume, all of them somehow knowing English words to that annoying song.
Even Babezillas doze off when Mexican, Dutch, and Japanese dolls start singing. This Babezilla did; I’m talking about me. Although it’s of a boredom to stun an ox, you can fantasise about what those dolls get up to by night, says Aoife. Just don’t try it on older boys – brings out the mad anarchist.
Next we go to Prince Charming Regal Carrousel. Bingo. Winnie the Pooh? Mickey’s PhilHarmagic Concert? Duh! Mad Hatter’s Tea Party? Not dizzying, if you lay off the spinner wheel.
Dumbo is from the dawn of time and Aladdin is Dumbo on carpets. All sweet. Nab a seat for the 3pm characters parade and give it a lash. The Haunted Mansion is tamed down and is now jovial (jokey tombstones). “We used it to send our little brother to sleep here. He’d curl up in a ball and seven minutes later, snoozeville, I swear.” Aoife says. On the other hand Pirates is scarier and rougher now.
At the Pinocchio Village Haus cafe toddler pasta and Cheerios rule. There are couches for feeds at Baby Care Centers, rocking chairs inside Frontierland. Zzzzzzz….
Four to 12: Magic Kingdom
If you have mini-princesses, be careful of Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. They’ll want pink princess makeovers forever and refuse to leave until you buy the place.
Toy Story is too noisy for tinies. Peter Pan’s Flight is all-age crowd-pleasing: humungous lines. Come early, grab Fastpasses, fly to Neverland. Partners can baby-switch at exit gates to swap turns.
You won’t get on Space, Splash, or Thunder Mountain unless you’re over 40 ins/102cm tall. But if you are, and like getting wet, sit on the right; you’ll get drenched. Wet jeans chafe but it’s hot so they’ll steam too. Don’t sit in the back row unless you like “getting air” – flying over your seat, aghhhh!
Town Square Theater has new characters like Russell from Up!And when mommy and daddy need Mickey's air-conditioned lounge of sofas and stiff ones back at the villa, call a siesta. The 9pm Electrical Parade is worth coming back for, if you are awake.
Five to 16: Animal Kingdom
As yet another Snow White or Princess Jasmine stamps on your foot screaming, “but I want Dinotopia” or another pair of “ears” you’ll fantasize about her hideous fate.
This is when you remember to come midweek in mid-term. Otherwise, things get hectic, you lose each other, you’ll look for each other all day. This happened to me the second we walked in. There’s a reason for those matching scarlet T-shirts saying “Garcia Family Reunion” with numbers. Put everyone in bright colours and write your mobile number onto kids’ arms.
Lines are interminable. Come early for Fastpasses to Kali River Rapids (African animals in Serengeti settings, corny driver jokes) and Expedition Everest (Yeti alert, train runs backwards).
Fast-food places are overrun with desperate moms and kids, all on the verge of meltdown. Prepare for megadeath glares. You’re on their last nerve. Luckily, mellow and mature Malaya (10) found me, and set about getting tiny terrorists their juice and making them grin. The lesson is to a) wear scarlet T-shirts and b) bring Malaya.
Ten up: Hollywood Studios
Smaller and choicer, this lures imaginative pre-teens longing to be terrified. Three times I was dragged up Malaya’s favourite Tower of Terror (40ins/102cm). We went through an elaborate Twilight Zone set-up, only for me to wimp out. We gave it one last shot, then dropped 13 stories into a fifth dimension yo-yoing crazily, then fell out hi-fiving like looneys.
High as kites, we hit Rock ’n’ Roller Coaster (48ins/122cm), a thrill ride that twists and loops upside down. I shut my eyes, sobbing, “never again.” It’s sponsored by Hanes, folks who make underpants, and I know why.
I don’t advise Disney solo but if you’re a movie fan it’s got Walt’s memorabilia.
Dining is fun: the Hollywood Brown Derby has stylish 1950s-food. We also liked Play Dine at Hollywood ’n’ Vine, dining to clips and music: “Fun!” declared Aoife.
We came back for Fantasmic, a laser-and-fountains musical on the lake which ran until 11pm. Then Malaya took the Tower of Terror again.
Tots are us at Epcot
I’d rather drink lighter fuel than take a strong-willed toddler to the Epcot area, I reflected as we snoozed in a padded clamshell at Under the Seas with Nemo.
Epcot bores babies silly but if you brought one by mistake, dozing with Nemo is your best bet.
Afterwards, the Coral Reef offers fine dining inside an aquarium with cute Little Mermaid décor, and they serve booze.
Mission Space is the big tomboy G-force turn-on but too lastingly scary for most – even Malaya, though it has a milder option.
Taking this, I piloted to Mars, ably crewed by 14-year-olds who’ll be pilots one day. Test Track draws their low-riding, car-crazed brothers. Older girls get passports to the World Showcase’s mini-countries to shop.
But Malaya, photographer dad Mark and I doted on Cruisin’ – hang gliding in gondolas over a giant dish projecting the Golden Gate, Big Sur, Russian River, Yosemite. It made us homesick.
Later, we hit Disney Boardwalk and had a fine time watching Illuminations, a sophisticated fireworks extravaganza. Okay, so I had a ball. Just don’t stick that snap of me dancing with Goofy up on my page.
Go there
Aer Lingus (aerlingus.com) flies to Orlando, where a twinkling lady will tell you to “Let the magic begin,” as she pointsout the free Magic Express hotel bus.
Once there, free monorails, buses and lake ferries whisk you around; free guides abound. So don’t rent a car unless going somewhere else.
Where to stay
Accommodation includes the Contemporary Hotel (futuristic, for families), Grand Floridian (nightly marshmallow roasts, al fresco Disney screenings) and Polynesian Hotels (South Seas romance). You can even camp. disneyworld.disney.go.com
Dos and don'ts
Disney World will make your kids happy, and you too if you remember to:
- Bring strollers and wheelchairs; you can rent but it’s cheaper.
- Sunscreen is a must, and hats on tots: burnt scalps itch.
Don’t go if you’re pregnant, especially if you have other kids. Don’t go if you’re on your own with kids; team up with someone else.
- As well as writing your mobile number on children’s arms, point out what employees look like so they can ask for help.
- If you have different aged children, research who’s tall enough for certain rides. If one doesn’t pass the height test, distract them with bribes: “You and me are going on this ride,” or “Let’s get chocolate.”
- Budget for lots of water or fill bottles at the hotel at the start of the day.